Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Remember this, if you walk out of a movie before it ends then you have ABSOLUTELY no right say anything about other than ĎIt seemed bad so I walked outí. Thatís it. I mention this as I happened to read a few user reviews of this flick ĎHouse of Usherí, which I must preface by saying I certainly didnít care much for it. Some dude however says ĎItís a crud movie. I walked out after fifteen minutes.í Then no sir, the first fifteen minutes of this movie was Ďcrudí since thatís all you saw. Youíre opinion on this film after the first fifteen is worthless, and since any opinion worth a damn should be taken as a whole, thus youíre entire opinion is worthless. This particular individual claimed he had Ďbetter things to with his timeí than watch a crud movie. But he had more than enough time to write a worthless review and waste our time as we read it. The nerve. I on the other hand saw every single second of this movie and though my opinion may be worthless as well, it has more weight than that dudes opinion.

Izabella Miko assumes the role of Jill Michaelson who is about 82 pounds of the hottest little number youíll ever want to see. Somebody get that girl a cheeseburger. Jill spends her days as a physical therapist and her nights feeling sorry for herself, longing for her boyfriend who suddenly left her three years ago. Three years ago. Get it over it Jill. Jill gets a message from her former lover, Roderick Usher (Austin Nichols), that his twin sister and Jillís former best friend Maddy (Danielle McCarthy) has passed on. Jill drops everything and heads to the services to pay respects to her friend. At the house of Usher Jill is greeted by the evil spooky housekeeper Mrs. Thatcher (Beth Grant) who would seem happier to get The Clap than see Jill again. After the services Jill readies to go home but is begged by her ex to stay and help him cope with his terrible loss. For the love of God Jill, GO HOME!

It is not to be as Jill sticks around for the weekend. She is initially cold towards her ex-lover but once he got to splaining things about he and his sisters rare family illness, how he was actually trying to spare her the pain and hitting her hard with his mad daddy mack game, she eventually crumbles and itís time for some of the always popular fully clothed sex. Somebody sign a nudity waiver up in here, please. So Jill is back in love with Roderick but something is wrong at the house as she swears she sees Maddy, who is supposed to be dead, walking around the premises. Roderick, who is an author of horror novels by the way, is acting weirder and weirder and Mrs. Thatcher would just as soon slit Jillís throat as saying hello. One of the perils of unprotected sex, to quote Juno, is that it does tend to lead to infants which is way less than cool when the father is an Usher. Plus Jill soon learns the secret of the Usher family, which Iím still a bit confused about and then all hell beaks loose.

Iím really not sure what to make of this movie to be honest with you. The trailer would lead you to believe itís a horror movie of sorts, and it sets itself up as the narrative opens as such, but it isnít. I suppose itís a thriller, but there arenít a lot of thrills to be had. Or I guess itís a mystery, which would make some sense since the story is loosely based on a poem by Edgar Allen Poe, but once we got to the big reveal, Iím still not sure what it was. Or maybe it was just an excuse to watch a tiny cute skinny girl walk around in her underwear for little while. Beats the hell out of me. Itís too bad really because director Hayley Cloake Ė which sounds like the name of a DC super villainess Ė has created a certain eerie and ominous atmosphere which permeates throughout her film but nothing ever really happens. Seriously. About forty five minutes in I started hoping for the ubiquitous cat to suddenly jump in a window or that mysterious shady character to run across the camera to a sudden orchestra hit or swoosh sound. Anything.

It didnít help matters that Izabella Miko and Austin Nichols pretty much dominated the screen for 90 percent of this movie and neither of them made their characters all that interesting to watch or gave their characters a hell of a lot of depth. Another thing that was odd was the little ratings thing when the movie started indicating that the MPAA gave this film an ĎRí rating, despite the fact that there was no nudity, no gore, there was a little blood on the nightgown of the character around her nether regions, but she was fully dressed at the time. There was also the aforementioned sex scene, but both characters had their clothes on at the time. Peculiar.

Ultimately ĎThe House of Usherí was just a boring and dull exercise in tedium. Some good looking people doing nothing of interest, which I could see every day if I just turned a mirror my way. And I watched every single second.

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