Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I was told that this movie ‘House of Bones’ was a Sci-Fi Original and I don’t know how I missed it because I set my watch by Sci-Fi Original Movies. But here I am, all sad and stuff because I missed this movie for free… kind of… actually not all because if you’ve seen a cable / Dish / U-verse bill lately you know that there’s not gatdamn thing on there that’s free. But anyway, I missed on that opportunity and now I had to watch it on a DVD. The point is that I pay to watch this stuff my friends, just like you. Those of you that don’t steal that is, not that I’m saying anything negative about that because one thing I’ve learned in my time on these internets is that people who steal stuff are real sensitive about the stuff they steal. They will attack you in a minute. Regardless, I paid… for this. In so many ways.

The name of the show is ‘Sinister Sites’ and it is one of those Ghost Hunter type shows. Sinister Sites is hosted by one Quentin French, as played by Mr. Sci-Fi himself, Corin Nemic. I don’t believe Corin and the rest of the cast of this movie were ever together at the same time, even though there were times they were interacting with each other. Today the crew is at the House of Bones which apparently has been eating people for the last 300 years, including a stupid little boy back in 1950 which opened this movie.

Whatever, ghosts aren’t real as this crew well knows, so they set up shop. The super adorable real-estate agent (Stephanie Honore) says they can’t stay there because bad things happen to people who stay at this house, but she’s won over by the smooth talking Black Guy (Marcus L. Brown) because you know how smooth talking Black Guys can be. So our crew consists of the afore mentioned Black Guy, his Asshole Producer (Ricky Wayne), their Skittish Cameraman (Colin Galyean) and the Expendable P.A. (Kyle Russell Clements). And let’s not forget the Smokin’ Psychic (Charisma Carpenter) who feels the negative energy almost immediately.

Bad things happen from the word jump. For instance the Expendable P.A. puts a whole in a wall, and when the Black Guy investigates this hole, he finds the house has ectoplasm inside of it. Do they leave? Did they see Poltergeist? Then the Expendable P.A. observes the Smokin’ Psychic in a sexy negligee beckoning him to join her for a hot shower. If he was paying attention he would’ve noticed she was translucent when she was doing this but waddayagonnado?

But the P.A. isn’t dead, he’s just in the walls annoyingly crying out for help. The Skittish Cameraman tries to call the cops but the house reroutes the call to the adorable real-estate agent. She calls the cops. That cop is skewered. Then the house drives his car away? The agent shows up… but she’s forced to fellatio and 18-inch shard of jagged glass. The Psychic vomits a hairball while the cameraman loses an eyeball. Apparently this evil dude back in the 1700’s fed this house his dead slaves to guarantee his immortality. Through his house. Wacky, I know, but that’s what he did and it has made this house alive and given it powers over space and time.

But here’s what we do… let’s starve it because it needs bodies to feed and it’s dying. Note that it hasn’t eaten since 1951 so it probably should’ve died off a long time ago, but we will roll with it. Can it be done? Fortunately, Quentin French has finally showed up after providing us with some unnecessary road trip comic relief, to help out. But you can’t kill the house, at least that’s what the crazy member of crew is saying, you can only pacify it. Will you even care? Well, the Smokin’ Psychic and those jeans were talking to me so I did care a little bit.

The truth of the matter is that ‘House of Bones’ wasn’t all that bad really. Especially when you take into consideration that it’s a Sci-Fi Original. It was debilitatingly stupid, that’s for sure, but it had some things going for it. For starters, the concept was a solid one. I mean who wouldn’t want to see how those Ghost Hunters would react to a house that was really, truly haunted with bad intentioned spirits. I know I would. Director Jeffrey Scott Lando just wasn’t able to completely exploit this potentially fertile horror ground. Another thing ‘House of Bones’ had working for it was that the actors were grownups as opposed to stupid teenagers, and they were fairly accomplished actors to boot, but again this film didn’t fully take full advantage of their maturity or their skills for that matter, considering they still did stuff stupid kids do in movies like this.

It was amusing watching the smooth talking Black Guy trapped in the attic with one of the mangled slaves, one of the films better horror images in the movie, because you’d think the slave would’ve been a little kinder to the brother, all things considered. I mean come on Mr. Mangled Slave, stop the cycle of pain right here… we’re free! Another thing that was amusing was observing Charisma Carpenter's dropping neckline. The movie started with her undershirt somewhere along her neckline, but down the line the cleavage continuity director had that fixed since it was getting closer and closer to her bellybutton the longer the movie went on. That’s outstanding.

What this movie didn’t need was Corin Nemec’s comic relief. Is Corin Nemec so Sci-Fi enabled that these things can’t get made without his participation on some level? That creature on the box cover, don’t get excited about him either since you’re in this movie about as much as he is. And one would think that a missing crew from a national TV show, a missing real estate agent and a missing police officer might lead to some kind of investigation. One would think. And how did the house learn how to drive?

True enough ‘House of Bones’ can be insultingly stupid at times, to the point it’s almost stupefying, but… oh dang… I don’t have a but… it’s just stupid. Watchably stupid, but stupid nonetheless. Proceed at your own risk.