Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Here you go my friends, a comedy for the morally bankrupt. This isn’t to say that ‘Hollywood Sex Wars’ is a completely tasteless comedy, at least in the sense that I don’t recall seeing any fart jokes, piss jokes, scat jokes, bestiality, and there wasn’t even as much gratuitous nudity as I would’ve expected… which is a little disappointing to be honest with you… but if you’re looking for a movie that has almost zero socially redeeming value, outside of the sage advice that you should avoid dating in Southern California AT ALL COSTS, you can stop your search right here.

Max (Dominique Purdy), who will narrate for us, along with his boys Aaron (Richard Blair) and Glen (Nicholas Mongiardo-Cooper) are a trio of Hollywood players, but they just aren’t the players they want to be. Yeah, they get to have relations with many ladies, but these aren’t the top tier ladies that they feel they should be acquiring. I’m thinking it’s because they’re broke and funny looking, and they should probably be happy with what they got, but then they observe their neighbor Johnny Eyelash (Mario Diaz) who is even funnier looking than they are… albeit with more money… but Johnny only gets the cream of the crop. Being the A+ kind of cat that he is, Johnny is about to trains these bums on the ways of the lady killing warrior. Would’ve loved to have known where the name ‘eyelash’ originated from. If I was a chick, don’t think I’d date somebody who named themselves Johnny Eyelash, but that’s just me.

Across town we get to meet warring exotic dancers Courtney (Jacqui Holland) and Gabrielle (Elena Diaz), at least until the Wendy’s showed them the error of their ways. Back in the day Big Wendy (Jenae Altschwager) and Lil’ Wendy (Eli Jane) used to be warring exotic dancers themselves, until they realized how utterly ridiculous it was to be that hot and fight over a worthless man. Thus they have formed the TOB club… hell if I remember what TOB stands for…and this is a club for hot chicks to extort as much as they can from worthless men. They also have a database as to which dudes can do what, and who to avoid, and now Courtney and Gabrielle are about to be trained in the ways of the exotic samurai.

So Johnny lays out the information for his young trainees, stuff like keep plenty of drugs and liquor on hand, on top of many other golden tips. It’s a tough go to start, but

eventually they adapt and excel. Simultaneously, The Wendy’s lay out the 411 for their fledglings, which includes informational nuggets such as get fake tits, and prorating sexual favors. You know, X amount for handjob or a car note payment for a BJ, so you can guess what going all the way will cost you. Both girls seem to get the gist of the plan, but damn if Wendy’s trainee Courtney doesn’t fall in love with Johnny’s trainee Aaron, Something both camps frown upon.

But there’s a reason The Wendy’s and Johnny frown on love. Love is not kind… it is mean and evil and spiteful. If you get nothing else out of this movie, remember that one thing. Chaos, madness, mayhem and Fabio in a hot tub shall enuse.

Strange movie, this ‘Hollywood Sex Wars’, as it was more clever than it was funny, more insightful than raucous, and probably more intelligent than it had any legal right to be. Now the downside to this, probably based on the box cover alone and an opening scene that featured naked women bent over with lit candles sticking out their butts, I kinda thought I was getting a stupid, raucous, balls to the wall type comedy… you can understand that, right? Seems like a logical assumption, but I didn’t get that. Took me a minute to redirect my psyche in the direction that writer / director Paul Sapiano was headed with his movie.

But let’s not sell Mr. Sapiano’s movie short now as it does have its fair share comedic moments, and while it’s not completely tasteless, it is still plenty tasteless. This is also that rare movie in which almost every character in this movie is an antagonist, which circles us back around to the moral bankruptcy we spoke of a little earlier. Even though there is a healthy amount of irreverence in the subject matter, one has to think that somebody hasn’t had a very good time with life and love in Los Angeles. Every single character in this movie, with the possible exception of Fabio, is selfish, self-centered, greedy, opportunistic, and has very little regard for their fellow man or woman. Even our ‘nice’ couple, who I think are being passed off as protagonist in this movie, were only nice because they were the least abhorrent. If ‘Hollywood Sex Wars’ were a traditional Romantic Comedy, this would’ve been disastrous, but since these unlikable characters and their acidic personalities were part of the movies charm, it actually works a little bit.

Nonetheless, ‘Hollywood Sex Wars’ is pretty funny, plenty raunchy, has some clever dialog and a few innovative plot points strewn across its running time, and might be an insightful, if not an irreverent view on the modern dating scene of Los Angeles California. We hope it’s not, because that would really blow for you single people who live out there, but if it is just keep lots of cocaine on standby. I’m just telling you what Johnny Eyelash told me.

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