Psst. Hey kid!  Yeah, you over there with the $8.50 in your hand.  You like to watch pick axes entering into skulls?  Yeah, you do?  Well I got the movie for you my man, Fox searchlight’s ‘The Hills Have Eyes’.   What’s it about? Come on man, does that matter?  We’re talking pick axes in skulls here!  Alright, alright… peep this.  The guvment was doing all these nuke test back in the day and needed to clear the people out the land because apparently nuclear fallout is like, bad for you.  But these wacky miners decided they loved their hometown so much they’d just a soon stay and drink down the acid rain.  Well, radioactivity plus chromosomes equal deformity where I come from and these cats get ALL messed up, know what I’m sayin’?  The radioactivity also made these dudes mad haters too.  I mean they hate anything that looks like, normal.  It also makes these cats mean, violent and hungry for human flesh too.  Radioactivity’s a mother, huh?  But forget that story dog, they spent all of about 8 seconds on that.  Pick axes in the head dude.  That’s what we’re talking about.

Who’s in it?  You joking right?  It stars a bunch of cats you ain’t never heard of and you’ll probably never see again man.  I did recognize that guy who was in that story about that thing that was on TV that one time, but that’s about it.  I guess Denzel and Meryl musta been busy that weekend, know what I’m sayin’?  Who directed it?  What are you, some kind of film school snob?  Let’s just say Ang Lee and Marty Scorcese might have passed on this one.  Can you say ‘Action’ and ‘I need more pick axes’?  Then YOU directed it, alright?  Oh here we go!  You actually wanna know if it’s any good?  Man, you don’t care if this movie is any good.  No you don’t!  Don’t give me that mess.  I told your boys a couple a weeks ago that ‘When a Stranger call’ sucked ass and did ya’ll listen to me?  Hell to the naw you didn’t.  Went to go see that crap at

at a week one take of 21 million.  Yeah, that was you.  Then there was Final Destination 3.  Yeah, I told ya’ll it was a little better than that Stranger mess, but not by much.  And what did you do?  It’s about to hit 100 mil, guaranteeing more crappy sequels.  Alright man, get off my back.  Like I said, the story is paper-thin.  Go see the ‘Saving Private Ryan’ if you want story with your blood splatter.  It starts out with some geologist cats getting pick axed in the back, just to let you know what kind of ride you’re in for, then it slows down so we can setup some implausible situations and meet our incredibly stupid naïve suburban family.  Even though I’m not one for horror flicks, they do a pretty good job with the frights in this one.  Tension is always high, an obviously no one is safe, so they could go at any time, know what I’m sayin’?  They put these cats through hell, they die horribly, they fight back… its all pretty over the top and majorly disturbing, to tell the truth.  Man, why are you making me do this?  You don’t care how good it is.  Just give the $8.50.

Violent?  You ain’t been listening to a word I’ve been saying have you?  Dude, this flick pulled a freakin’ NC-17 before they had to whittle some of that stuff down.  And it wasn’t because of the sex, because there ain’t none.  Dismemberment, deformed babies, cannibalization, bullets to the head, dogs chewing arms, dogs getting eaten, charred carcasses and of course, pick axes to the cranium.  It’s got it all.  Yeah, I thought so.  Give that 8.50 and get outta my face.  You know where I’ll be when the next one comes out.  Sucker.  Hey you… over there… you with the 8.50.  Have I got the movie for you.