Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

In the grand scheme of things this new ‘re-imagining’ of John Carpenter’s 1978 classic ‘Halloween’ is pretty unnecessary as it didn’t answer the one question that still burns in the minds of people who have watched slasher flicks since such a genre was created.  Why do unstoppable, bulletproof, super stamina possessing psychopathic killers hate teenagers who have sex?  Inquiring minds want to know!

It’s been thirty years since ‘The night he came Home’ and in between that time we’ve had seven or eight sub par sequels because nobody knows how to beat a dead horse like a Hollywood movie executive.  Still not believing that the horse is dead, gore fest master Rob Zombie has decided to remake the original ‘Halloween’ with a bit of a twist by allowing us to spend some quality time with Michael Myers as a ten year old, clown mask wearing, hamster murdering, cat slaughtering, stray dog gutting young ‘un as unemotionally played by Daeg Faerch.  As you may have guessed young Mike comes from a dysfunctional family with a benevolent stripper for a mom (Sheri Moon Zombie), a profane drunk for a step dad (William Forsythe), a whore for a sister (Hanna Hall), and the infant baby Boo.  As you also may imagine, kids in school pick on weird kids and Michael is no different.  His last little confrontation lands him in the principles office yet again where his stripper mom is introduced to Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) who advises the stripper mom that her little boy is a lunatic and needs help like yesterday.  His years of training had him come to this conclusion because of the numerous pictures of dead animals that Michael carries Polaroid’s of around AND the fact that little Mike keeps a gutted cat in his backpack in a large zip-lock bag.  Fearing the jig is up, young Mike says ‘screw it’ and ends his day, Halloween as it were, by bludgeoning some bullies and slaughtering his family, except baby Boo and the loving stripper mom.

Now locked away forever in a mental institution, young Mike makes different masks and has silent sessions with Dr. Loomis whose years of training has led him to declare the boy is a psychopath, but still trusts him enough to hold a fork and instruct a nurse to sit with him while he walks stripper mom to the elevator.  Oh well.  The years pass, Mike’s loving mom is no longer with us, and he grows into a speechless, 6’6” 280 lb. freakishly strong beast of man who upon a transfer kills everybody in the hospital and heads back home where the movie now picks up where the original started with horny teenagers who are needing some killing on October 31st. 

I didn’t like this movie because it was too long, rather dull, not very scary, didn’t really give me any insight into why Mike does what Mike does – not that I cared anyway, and didn’t answer the one question I really needed an answer to.  Now, it is possible that Mike hates sexually charged teenagers because his sister was supposed to take him trick-or-treating that night and chose not to accompany the boy because she decided to have relations with her boyfriend.  However, she did tell the brat to go out by himself, which he did, and that journey yielded a plastic pumpkin full of candy corns so it seemed like a win-win for all involved.  But yet he is still hating on horny teens.  Case in point, Grown up Mike is in back in Haddonfield, slaughtering everybody in sight, heading back home looking for his baby sister (Scout-Taylor Compton).  Baby sister is baby sitting some kid, and her best friend who is baby sitting too wants to take this opportunity to have sex with her boyfriend.  So the friend takes her kid to baby sisters place and has her watch both kids while her and the boyfriend scurry off for some McLovin.  Cool, Mike has followed this friend to where his sister is and thus has found his sister so now they can be together, but no, Mike instead teleports to where the friend and the boy are and pulls the boy off in mid-stroke and kills him.  Why?  They weren’t bothering him!  He had to go out of his way to track them down and kill those people.  Makes no sense to me, unless he has a problem with unplanned teen pregnancy or something.

The rest of this new Halloween is standard slasher fare with the hero girl running and screaming and running and screaming and the indestructible psycho falling from incredible heights, taking .357 slugs to chest and still keeping it trucking.  Yes, there was plenty of blood splatter and if that’s what you want out your flicks then have at it.  Me, I need answers, and by the grace of God I’m going to find out why crazed killers hate sexing teens if it’s the last thing I do.

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