Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

My question for you regarding ‘The Halfway House’ is a simple one.  Do you like tits?  If you do, and you have no desire to sully yourself with pornography, then ‘The Halfway House’ just may be the movie for you.  It starts with tits, ends with tits and has a bunch of tits in-between.

Well, you may next ask me; ‘Christopher, is the movie any good?’  To which I would have to reply ‘no’.  But it’s not ‘Basic Instinct 2’ bad, but more like Batman the old TV series bad, which really isn’t that bad at all.

So here’s ‘The Halfway House’.  A young woman is jogging down the street and I’m thinking she’s gonna be topless like real soon.  Obviously not realizing she’s in a chintzy, poorly made, shot on video horror flick she jogs behind some dumpster to rest.  A freak in a big monk’s hood puts a bag over her head and drags her off kicking and screaming.  Next time we see the cutie she’s tied down inside some sort of hieroglyphic circle.  The monk hood wearing freak rips her off her top.  Ooooh, 2 minutes in and we have tits.  He then rips off her jogging shorts.  No full monty here, but we do get to see some cameltoe.  He then opens a gate and a big, plastic, tentacled, one-eyed monster with sharp teeth and slimy tongue pops out and well, that’s pretty much the last we’ll see of that topless hottie.

Problem is that this hottie has an older sister who’s missing her.  Larissa Morgan (Janet Tracy Keijser) goes to the police to report her missing sibling, but with the exception of handsome hero Sgt. Dick Sheen (Shawn Savage) no one is listening.

Dick tells Larissa that some girls have been missing from Mary Magdalene’s halfway house for girls and Larissa figures they must know something, so she decides to go undercover at the house to get the lowdown and find what happened to her sister. But she needs Dick’s help.  Dick says no, but Larissa know just to convince him.  So Dick and Larissa engage in this rather lengthy sexcapade, but what’s amazing about this scene is that during the sex Dick and Larissa are having plot relevant dialog throughout, position changes and all.  That my friends is pure genius.  Instead of forcing us to watch some overstylized, underwhelming skinemax faux sex scene, to keep things moving, the filmmakers had the wisdom to combine fake sex AND bad dialog in one neat package.  Thumbs up gentlemen! 

Cool.  So Larissa goes undercover as a troubled girl at the halfway house, despite the fact that Ms. Keijser, despite her outstanding shapely figure, is maybe 15 years past the ‘troubled girl’ stage.  There is a place we send troubled girls her age, and it’s called Prison.  Anyways, the house is run by the sick Sister Cecilia (schlock legend Mary Woronov of DeathRace 2000 fame), sick priest Father Fogerty (Joseph Tatner) and some sick janitor dude.  At the Halfway house we’re blessed with a hefty dosage of lesbian love, shower scenes and a rather disturbing scene involving Vaseline and a small statue of the Madonna.  Oh, and also a scene where a dude gets beheaded in the throes of passion but still manages to keep going.  That scene also include the line ‘Shut up and f**k.’  Classic. 

If you haven’t figured it out by now, ‘The Halfway House’ doesn’t take itself very serious, which is a good thing.  The acting is lame, most of the scenes are overlit, the dialog and script is atrocious, but the titties are a plentiful.  I’ll admit it’s hard to give this one a hearty recommendation, but dammit, these cats know they weren’t making Citizen Kane, and this one had waaaaay more titties than Citizen Kane did.  To hell with it, if you only see one movie on DVD this year, I’d make it ‘The Halfway House!’  There.  As if I any credibility before this.

Real Time Web