Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Today we’re going to take a walk on the dark side of extremely low budget horror with the extremely low budget horror flick ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’.  A mouthful to be sure.  Yes, ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’ was pretty lame, and that’s taking in consideration its low budgetness as I tend grade the flicks I see that have 20 to 30 bucks to work with on a curve.  That being said, ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’ wasn’t without charms.  It did have its fair share of hotties floating about, though none of the hotties blessed us with any nudity.  No, the only nudity in this flick was provided by a 300 pound goth chick who also gave us the extra treat of being spanked by her boyfriend a couple of times as well.   And even though I’m certainly no fan of this particular genre of music, the first band who were supposed to be the main rivals to the Gothic Vampires from Hell – it’s the name of the band in the movie – were pretty good.

The movie opens with some dude on the phone to the star of a movie, Draven (Micheal Anthony Panella) who is the leader of the goth band of rockers, Ghothic Vampires from Hell.  This some dude is tripping out and whining on the phone about how evil some chick he’s been dating is, while Draven implores him to get a hold of himself and stop being such a beast.  Then from dudes point of view something swoops down on him from the sky and bites his neck or something.  This something also put a plastic tube in dudes neck so it could literally pump out gallons of fake blood.  Since I’m no make-up artist I have no clue on the complexity of making fake blood spurt, but rarely do I see a tube sticking somebody’s neck in the large number of movies I’ve seen so I’m going to assume these cats did something wrong.

Anyway it turns out this chick that dude was dating is one Amanda Nightshade (Gina DeVettori) who by day is the CEO of the Nightshade record company along with her thin, hot accomplices, but they moonlight as bloodsucking freaks by night.  Amanda has taken a keen liking to the ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’, and Draven in particular, and go so far as to eliminate the Gothics main competition and offer them a big old fat record deal.  It would seem, however, that Amanda has other plans for Draven that don’t include being on American Bandstand, but instead has Draven being like the king of the blood sucking freaks.  It would seem that Draven has a bit of a decision to make:  Does he sign on to be the king of the blood suckers or does he resist and continue to ROCK HARD!  Air guitar motion begins.

I’m not going to be too hard on ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’ because it is fairly clear that filmmakers did the very best they could with what they had to work with.  This of course doesn’t mean the ‘GVFH’ is a good movie.  Far from it.  The story got a bit unwieldy as the film went on and often lost its focus, branching to weird dream sequences or some really odd stock film looking party scenes, including the aforementioned 300 pound Goth chick and her boyfriend who would pop in and out of the film without warning – and I could have seriously used some warning. The film also had some fairly lame 3D animation sequences which didn’t seem to fit the film altogether too well, including one scene where one of the thin cute hotties was looking at a nude 3D woman dancing for what seemed to be forever, with this particular scene having little bearing on the already fractured narrative.  And of course the tubes sticking out of folks necks pumping out gallons of kayro syrup didn’t help matters either. 

But on the plus side the acting in GVFH wasn’t too bad considering the cast was completely made up of total unknowns, the music was pretty good, but you’d have to ask someone who truly gets down with kind of groove as to how good it really is, and the women were pretty damned good looking.

A for effort but probably a D+ for execution, ‘Gothic Vampires from Hell’ is a flick that is best recommended for fans of this kind of music, and fans of 300 pound Goth chicks and their ugly boyfriends.

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