Deep in the jungles of Africa, even though I
saw some cars driving through an expressway in the distance so
I'm thinking this was more along the lines of an animal
reserve somewhere in France, the Amazons ride free and
topless. And they are all white women. Who knew
the Amazon's practiced Jim Crow? Regardless, some dude
has stumbled upon where the Amazons live, a place where even
the chains that bind you are made of gold and he steals
some. Amazons don't like it when folks steal their gold,
even though they use it for absolutely nothing, so they find
where this guy lives and straight murder him and his wife in
plains sight of their six year old daughter Liana.
Eventually Liana (Joan Virly) will grow up and she will seek
her revenge by making a trip to the 'Golden Temple of the
Amazons'… and she will do it topless! Yay!
Completely ignoring the passage of time, because in the span
of two seconds Liana has gone from a grieving six year old to
a gloriously overdeveloped twenty-two year old roaming the
wilds of Africa playing with her pet monkey. Apparently
Liana has blocked out what happened to her folks that fateful
day, until some guy came looking for her parents. Note
that her parents have been dead for almost twenty years so
this guy probably should've figured out a long time ago that
something was wrong, but we will casually ignore that.
This guy finds Liana's fathers diary, reads it aloud to her
since Liana is all illiterate and stuff, Liana remembers what
happened that day and it's off to get some
vengeance. But before Liana can do this thing,
she's kidnapped by the tribe leaders, who from this point will
be known as the Frightened Brothers of the Amazon, because if
she does this there's a chance she will bring the wrath of the
Angry Topless White Women down on the
Frightened Brothers. Can't very well have that.
The thing is, since Liana is all friendly with the Frightened
Brothers and considering they helped raise her, they probably
didn't have to throw a net on her and kidnap her since a
simple invite would've sufficed, but then her left titty
wouldn't have conveniently popped out of her loincloth.
Eventually the King of the Frightened Brothers allows her to
go, as long as she took the shaman Koukou (Stanley Capoul) who
will be Mister Funnyman in these proceedings, in a movie that
really didn't comic relief to be honest with you since the
entire production had that covered. Along the way Liana
and Koukou will meet some adventurers who will be tagging
along for the ride, a couple of them being a husband and wife
team, with the wife wasting no time in getting naked and
captured.
Yes, the Amazons are now aware of that Liana is gunning for
them and they are not happy. Especially their female
leader Rena the Enraged One Eyed Bitch as played by the
legendary Lina Romay. She's afraid that her leader, the
completely wacky white man Uruck (William Berger) might choose
Liana over her. Hell if I know how she drew that
conclusion, but there it is. Eventually these two women
will fight, it will be lame, torture will ensue, it will be
lame, and a rescue by a disinterested, poorly trained monkey
will be required and it will be lame.
Yes, we enjoy us some bad 80's Italian styled exploitation
here at the FCU, but alas even we have our limits. This
what you get when you combine the erratic talents of Jess
Franco… a dude we love and respect but a man that one could
argue has never made a decent film in his lengthy career,
along with porno director the late Alain Payet. Note
that the movie Payet directed before this one was something
called Anal Debauchery and the one after was a compilation of
Bridgette Lahie's porno scenes so I'm guessing he was still in
porno mode as far as setup and staging was concerned for this
one, just without the sex. Does that sound like
something you want to see?
I'm thinking with titans of sleaze such as Payet and Franco,
and recognizing that they probably threw this movie together,
conceptually speaking, over a night of drinking cheap French
wine, they would've focused more on their god given gifts,
that being sleaze, as opposed to the attempts of making a
topless Indiana Jones knockoff. Yes, there's
plenty of nudity, but there's so much of it that it actually
just blends into the scenery thus forcing the viewer to focus
on the adventure elements of the film, and the adventure was
kinda lame.
For beginners there's our star, with very little about the
soft, curvy, baby faced Joan Virly screaming 'Action
Hero'. Woman of Leisure, maybe. Sex Toy,
definitely. Queen of Adventure, not really. But
all of the action was a struggle to get through, not just the
scenes with the lovely Ms. Virly. We're not even going to get
into the story, as it were, which was the very definition of
scatterbrained nonsense, but we did like the poorly trained
monkey. The actors must've had to wait for days for that
monkey to finally make it to the spray painted gold chains to
set them free. It probably would've been better just to
use a guy in a monkey suit.
Yes, 'Golden Temple Amazons' is awful, and we don't even have
much of a disclaimer to throw in there, such as it was so bad
that it was good. Even we have our limits.
