Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Deep in the jungles of Africa, even though I saw some cars driving through an expressway in the distance so I'm thinking this was more along the lines of an animal reserve somewhere in France, the Amazons ride free and topless.  And they are all white women.  Who knew the Amazon's practiced Jim Crow?  Regardless, some dude has stumbled upon where the Amazons live, a place where even the chains that bind you are made of gold and he steals some.  Amazons don't like it when folks steal their gold, even though they use it for absolutely nothing, so they find where this guy lives and straight murder him and his wife in plains sight of their six year old daughter Liana.  Eventually Liana (Joan Virly) will grow up and she will seek her revenge by making a trip to the 'Golden Temple of the Amazons'… and she will do it topless!  Yay!

Completely ignoring the passage of time, because in the span of two seconds Liana has gone from a grieving six year old to a gloriously overdeveloped twenty-two year old roaming the wilds of Africa playing with her pet monkey.  Apparently Liana has blocked out what happened to her folks that fateful day, until some guy came looking for her parents.  Note that her parents have been dead for almost twenty years so this guy probably should've figured out a long time ago that something was wrong, but we will casually ignore that.  This guy finds Liana's fathers diary, reads it aloud to her since Liana is all illiterate and stuff, Liana remembers what happened that day and it's off to get some vengeance.   But before Liana can do this thing, she's kidnapped by the tribe leaders, who from this point will be known as the Frightened Brothers of the Amazon, because if she does this there's a chance she will bring the wrath of the
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Angry Topless White Women down on the Frightened Brothers.  Can't very well have that.  The thing is, since Liana is all friendly with the Frightened Brothers and considering they helped raise her, they probably didn't have to throw a net on her and kidnap her since a simple invite would've sufficed, but then her left titty wouldn't have conveniently popped out of her loincloth.

Eventually the King of the Frightened Brothers allows her to go, as long as she took the shaman Koukou (Stanley Capoul) who will be Mister Funnyman in these proceedings, in a movie that really didn't comic relief to be honest with you since the entire production had that covered.  Along the way Liana and Koukou will meet some adventurers who will be tagging along for the ride, a couple of them being a husband and wife team, with the wife wasting no time in getting naked and captured.

Yes, the Amazons are now aware of that Liana is gunning for them and they are not happy.  Especially their female leader Rena the Enraged One Eyed Bitch as played by the legendary Lina Romay.  She's afraid that her leader, the completely wacky white man Uruck (William Berger) might choose Liana over her.  Hell if I know how she drew that conclusion, but there it is.  Eventually these two women will fight, it will be lame, torture will ensue, it will be lame, and a rescue by a disinterested, poorly trained monkey will be required and it will be lame.

Yes, we enjoy us some bad 80's Italian styled exploitation here at the FCU, but alas even we have our limits.  This what you get when you combine the erratic talents of Jess Franco… a dude we love and respect but a man that one could argue has never made a decent film in his lengthy career, along with porno director the late Alain Payet.  Note that the movie Payet directed before this one was something called Anal Debauchery and the one after was a compilation of Bridgette Lahie's porno scenes so I'm guessing he was still in porno mode as far as setup and staging was concerned for this one, just without the sex.  Does that sound like something you want to see?

I'm thinking with titans of sleaze such as Payet and Franco, and recognizing that they probably threw this movie together, conceptually speaking, over a night of drinking cheap French wine, they would've focused more on their god given gifts, that being sleaze, as opposed to the attempts of making a topless Indiana Jones knockoff.   Yes, there's plenty of nudity, but there's so much of it that it actually just blends into the scenery thus forcing the viewer to focus on the adventure elements of the film, and the adventure was kinda lame.

For beginners there's our star, with very little about the soft, curvy, baby faced Joan Virly screaming 'Action Hero'.  Woman of Leisure, maybe.  Sex Toy, definitely.  Queen of Adventure, not really.  But all of the action was a struggle to get through, not just the scenes with the lovely Ms. Virly. We're not even going to get into the story, as it were, which was the very definition of scatterbrained nonsense, but we did like the poorly trained monkey.  The actors must've had to wait for days for that monkey to finally make it to the spray painted gold chains to set them free.  It probably would've been better just to use a guy in a monkey suit.

Yes, 'Golden Temple Amazons' is awful, and we don't even have much of a disclaimer to throw in there, such as it was so bad that it was good.  Even we have our limits.
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