Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I was at work making horrific small talk with a couple of my colleagues and one them mentioned that this past weekend he and his lady went to an old theater and saw the classic ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington’. For comparison’s sake I informed this gentleman that while that Jimmy Stewart film is indeed a classic, I think my weekend foray into foreign cinema was probably more satisfying because I saw ‘Attack Girls Swim Team against the Undead’ that weekend. So if we were to take an informal poll would you rather watch some old movie with a bunch of people who are dead now or instead opt to see this movie about Japanese women pretending to be school girls fighting zombies in between taking frequent showers and making out… which one would you choose? I could tell by the look in my man’s eye that for that moment in time he wished he was me.

Sasa Hanada is the character of Aki, a dour young woman who is a new student at this particular high school for girls who is simply trying to get by and mind her own business. Something about the water seems to bug the girl though which I guess is why she’s standing by the pool looking at the water when young Sayaka (Yuria Hadaka) pushes her in. I thought that was kind of an asshole move but they all seemed cool with it plus it forced Aki to jump in the shower for the first of many times so we could observe the young woman’s healthy set of boobs. I think they’re surgically enhanced but I’m no expert on fake boobs. For whatever reason Sayaka joins Aki in the shower, even though I don’t think she was dirty, as she observes that Sayaka has the same birthmark above her right titty that she has in addition to the same mole at the back of her neck. What does all this mean?

Meanwhile there is flu bug going around the school, but never fear because the vaccination truck has arrived with a green gooey vaccine for everyone. Except for the teachers who get a yellow gooey vaccination. So this vaccine turns everybody at the

school into zombies except the swim team who for whatever reason has acquired an immunity to the zombie juice, plus now we get to witness Aki lay some serious ass kicking on some zombie ass in the process. Here we learn a little more about Aki’s ass kicking powers as she relays her life story to her new ‘sister’ Sayaka. After hearing this heart wrenching tale these ‘sisters’ proceed down a road that true sisters probably really shouldn’t travel down. I’m just saying is all.

Regardless, there are zombies to kill and of course the rest of the swim team will join into the blood filled fray and of course there are secrets to be revealed which includes a really strange dude in red pimp suit and his magical flute. It’s complicated, but I really gotta get me one of those flutes.

Well, one thing I’ve learned from watching these myriad of really strange Japanese gore fest movies is that the Japanese filmmaker will stuff just about anything into a schoolgirl outfit. And about those outfits… they do a masterful job of concealing whatever is inside of them. Talk about a box of chocolates, you don’t know what you’re gonna get when you peel one of those suckers off. But back to this movie ‘Attack Girl’s Swim Team against the Undead’… yeah… let’s first try to approach this movie with a ‘critical eye’ which is of course is silly but we’re going go ahead and do it anyway. The acting in this movie is atrocious. There were times when the narrative was veering towards making some sense but director Koji Kawano apparently was sensing this occasional drift into comprehension and quickly righted his ship back into the realm of complete and total nonsense. The film was shot on digital video and looks it since not a lot of effort seemed to go into things such as ‘dramatic lighting’ or anything of that nature. So in short this movie is complete trash and has very little social or moral value to offer.

Now with that being said, some of us out there, and I’m not saying I’m one of these people, but some of us out there may be transfixed by this little movie and find themselves unable to turn away from it. It could be the ridiculous amount of arterial blood spray and gore that juts out of sliced veins in this movie or maybe you are one of those wierdos that enjoy seeing grown Japanese women folded into schoolgirl outfits and then sit on the edge of your seat to see what unfolds out of that outfit. Freaks. Some of you out there may observe that ‘actress’ Sasa Hanada spends a lot of time getting naked in this movie but may also observe that each time she gets naked it somehow always feels like the first time. Amazing. I don’t necessarily feel that way but you might. Some of you may also wonder why the other completely healthy members of the swim team are keeping their freaking swimsuits on. What’s up with that? I mean don't I feel that way of course but you might.

There is almost nothing to recommend about this movie ‘Attack Girls Swim Team against the Undead’. Almost nothing. Now excuse my while I set my newly created Sasa Hanada montage style wallpaper to help remind me of how completely worthless this movie was. It’s an outrage.

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