Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

To all you horror movie filmmakers out there… we have got to start doing better. You know I have nothing but mad love for every one last one you clowns out there… taking what once was nothing and somehow, someway turning it into something. It is an accomplishment for every single one of you horror movie filmmakers that you have gotten your product conceived, casted, produced and distributed. BRAVO! These kudos are also extended to the ladies and gentlemen behind this movie ‘The Ghosts of Goldfield’ even though these fine people have made, quite possibly, the most generic horror movie in the history of the planet earth.

So five college aged youths are on a road trip to the Goldfield hotel to shoot a documentary on this alleged haunted house. I can’t remember where it is exactly but I do remember that is somewhere between Chicago and San Francisco. That narrows it down pretty tight. Our college-aged kids consist of Julie (Marnette Patterson), who is very pretty and doing her thesis on this haunted hotel and will serve as our producer and on-air talent. I can’t remember exactly what she’s majoring in but it’s either videography or haunted house-ology. Since she has one of those wacky EMF ghost meters I guess it’s haunted house-ology. Also along for the ride is Julie’s EXTREME JERK-OFF of a boyfriend Mike (Richard Chance). Mike can be counted on to jump out of dark hallways and do all kinds of stupid shit in this movie before his eventual comeuppance. Mike also serves no purpose in our production except to be a dick. He will take this job very seriously.

Handling the sound in our production is Mr. Uptight going by the name of Dean (Scott Whyte) who has brought along his drop dead gorgeous, but INCREDIBLY IRRITATING girlfriend Keri (Mandy Amano) along for the ride. Keri serves no purpose in this movie either except to whine and be bitchy. And I think she might be part Asian which would make her this movies minority which means her bitchy fate is sealed. Lastly on camera there’s Chad (Kellen Lutz). Chad is the NICE GUY who Julie should be with, but alas she’s with the dick.

So our kids are driving to the hotel. Someone knows a shortcut. Don’t take the shortcut kids. The kids take the shortcut. The car breaks down. If our kids had any sense they would’ve known that streets with shortcuts are bereft of filling stations. Hey, let’s call for help. Oh, there’s no cell phone service, what a surprise. Hey, there’s the spooky hotel. Let’s ask the creepy-ass bartender played by Rowdy Roddy Piper if we can stay there.

Now that we’re in the haunted hotel let’s have Mike act like a total dick and jump out of the shadows a couple times. ‘I Gotta be me!’ is what he will tell us. Now let’s have Keri whine incessantly about how scared she is, yet watch her constantly wander away from the group into basements and into dark misty rooms. And after about an hour of fake scares the ghost bitch has finally grown tired of darting in front of the camera and spookily whining about ‘where’s my baby’ and gets down to the business of killing some people. Bitch, you know your baby’s dead. Come on now.

You got it all with this one. The shortcut, the lack of cell phone service, the doomed minority, the plethora of fake scares… if there’s a tired, beat to death horror cliché that’s not in this movie then I don’t know what it is. Then there’s this scene where two of characters are having ‘sex’. The fact that the setup for this sex and them getting caught having sex is just more cliché junk tossed in our direction but it also raises another beef. Filmmakers… if you’re going to have your characters have sex either have them get naked… because people generally have sex naked… which means finding actors who will sign the nudity waiver or better yet… don’t write in a sex scene. Just have them make out. People do make out with their clothes on. DO NOT have them grind and moan with the throes of ecstasy while wearing pants, skirts, panties and pasties. Just a suggestion.

Unfortunately what you don’t have with ‘Ghosts of Goldfield’ is a movie that is very scary. Our ghost bitch is one of the least scary ghosts monsters in recent history, the fake scares didn’t work all that well, the majority of the characters were annoying as hell so when they finally got around to dying there was more relief than grief, and Roddy Piper was almost completely wasted. They could’ve got ANYBODY to what he did in this movie.

The best I can say about ‘Ghost of Goldfield’ is that it would make a great drinking game. Everybody take a shot each time a horror movie cliché popped up and I guarantee you’ll be stone faced drunk a half an hour in.