It's not a 'Sharknado', which would be a
tornado filled with sharks, which is kind of wacky… No sir,
it's a 'Ghost Shark', which is a translucent shark which can
appear in a bucket of water and kill you that way, which is
kind of wackier. The real question that the concerned
viewer of sub-quality cinema is probably asking themselves
would be 'Given a choice, Christopher, which one should I
watch?' Ultimately, that's crazy talk because you know
you're gonna watch both them, but to play along I could only
respond with 'would you rather die via bullet to the head or
hung by the neck from a ceiling fan?' Either way you're
dead. And either way, with either shark movie, your sub
quality shark fetish will be temporarily satiated.
One night on the Louisiana coast a couple of folks are fishing
for grouper or something when the championship fish they were
about land was eaten by a Great White. This pisses my
man off something awful who proceeds to shoot the shark with
his .45, then finish it off with a crossbow to the eye.
Unfortunately for the people in this town, this dying shark
has presence of forethought to swim to an abandoned cave
adorned with mystical hieroglyphics and die there, which will
turn into it a translucent blue Ghost Shark. It's a
little complicated how this happened, and we're not going to
even try to explain it. Just know it's a bad thing.
Now we are introduced to our films star, Ava as played by the
lovely Mackenzie Rosman from that show 'Seventh Heaven' and
Mackenzie is all grown up now. Kind of. It looks
like she's the same height when she started on that show as an
eight year old, but the other decidedly female parts of her
have certainly matured. Ava and her sister Cicely
(Sloane Coe) are a little concerned because her dad was the
captain of that chartered ship that was fishing for grouper,
and dad is nowhere to be found, just his bloody ball
cap. Then, minutes after finding dad's bloody ball cap,
some annoying teenagers are eviscerated by a blue, translucent
shark. Does local law enforcement believe this? Of
course they don't, but our surviving kids know what they saw,
and the sisters now know that their old man is all dead and
stuff. They are sad.
Now what? Well, since it's a shark
movie and all, there has to be some kind of 'Fun Event' that
must go on, this time the fun event being the party of Cameron
(Jaren Mitchell) who is having the pool party to end all pool
parties. No worries though because there's no way a salt
water shark could infest a fresh water swimming pool.
Unless, of course, it's a GHOST SHARK yo! More annoying
teenagers shall die. And that's just the beginning
because the Ghost Shark is killing kids on water slides,
killing kids playing in fire hydrants, killing plumbers,
killing bikini clad hotties washing cars in the movies best
scene… the ghost shark is off the chain. And I thought
there was some kind of unwritten rule against killing children
in these kinds of movies? Oh well, director Griff Furst
totally didn't get that unwritten memo.
So how does one kill a Ghost Shark? For that we need to
meet the town loon Mr. Finch (Richard Moll) who knows a thing
or two about that mystical cave that reanimates dead things
into murderous apportions, and all of the answers for this are
in the Ancient Book of Mystical Stuff. This is cool and
all… ancient legends, cryptic incantations, chants, mystical
mumbo jumbo... but at the end of the day, if you really
want to solve a problem, just blow something up.
Somehow, someway, that usually solves your problem.
So… does 'Ghost Shark' suffer coming so close on the heels of
'Sharknado'? It might have, say had 'Sharknado' actually
been any good. This isn't to say we weren't entertained
by 'Sharknado' but in all honesty it was pretty awful and
'Ghost Shark' by comparison is less awful, as it turns out.
The good thing about a ghost shark, just like a sharknado, is
that once the concept is introduced, at no point is it
required to start making sense. This frees up the
filmmakers, in this case the legendary Griff Furst, to
concentrate on the important stuff, and in this case that
would be gore effects and lots of women running around in
bikinis. Yes, you could ask how a dying shark
could makes its way into a cave and drop dead, the last 100
feet it probably had to walk into, but we're not going to ask
that because it's silly. We often ask while watching
hungry beast movies, 'when does the hungry beast get full?',
but a ghost shark probably doesn't actually have a digestive
system, so it will never get full, right? In the
aforementioned movies best scene where the slutty chicks were
washing cars, the adolescent in the red 'Stang felt the need
to put dirt on the car before driving it to the car
wash. Like the slutty chicks weren't going to wash the
car if it was clean already. This kid clearly doesn't
get the concept of slutty chick car washes.
Bodies get torn in half, bodies get split in two, limbs get
severed, heads get removed, and bodies get torn in half.
If you had an upper torso, there was good chance it would no
longer be attached to your lower torso by the end of this
Griff might've had us a little concerned before we fired up
'Ghost Shark' as his last SyFy shark movie 'Swamp
Shark' was lacking, but we can say he made up for that
misstep with this one. A good movie? Well,
that's pushing it of course, but it is a movie with very
little downtime, a little gore, a lot of TV safe skin and even
more total nonsense, which all added to something not so bad.