Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So I saw Luigio Coggi’s cinematic classic ‘Starcrash’, and if you haven’t seen ‘Starcrash’ then shame on you since it’s considered in many circles to be the best bad movie ever made. I would place Cynthia Rothrock’s kung fu epic ‘Undefeatable’ on the top of that list, but ‘Starcrash’ wouldn’t be far behind. But anyway, after watching the epic ‘Starcrash’ I got word that there was a sequel to ‘Starcrash’ called, appropriately enough, ‘Starcrash 2’. That was a bold face lie! This movie ‘Escape from Galaxy 3’, summarily renamed in some markets to ‘Starcrash 2’, has nothing to do with ‘Starcrash’ and is blatant attempt to ride the coattails of that seminal, psychological, emotional classic. They are similar, and they do use the same props, but this movie pales in almost every conceivable way to classic ‘Starcrash’, plus it was directed by the late Bitto Albertini… who we do respect, mainly because he’s dead now… but of the half dozen or so movies of Mr. Albertini that we have seen, they’ve all been terrible. Throw ‘Escape from Galaxy 3’ into that festering pile.

Oddly enough this movie starts off pretty much where ‘Starcrash’ left off, and that’s with a ridiculously lame space battle. This time the captain of the Giant Claw space ship is Orlocon: The King of the Night as played with glorious glee by Don Powell. I was about to say ‘the late Don Powell’ but I think Mr. Powell is still with us. If you’re out there somewhere Don Powell, drop me a line so I can interview you for the blog. So Orlocon wants King Ceylon to hand over his planet so he can enslave his people, but the King isn’t having any of that dispatches his top soldier Lithian (James Milton) to enact the super experimental Galaxian Principles or something. The cool thing about this is that the King Ceylon’s control board is old Air Hockey table. Regardless, the Galaxian Principles don’t work so Ceylon sends Lithian and his scantily clad daughter Belle Star (Sherry Buchanan) to go get help. Not that it matters because Orlocon turned on his Hyper Mega Galactic Concussion Rays on Ceylon and them, and now the king and the planet INXS are no more.

Still, Lithian and Belle have to get help and barely escape the Orlocon menace by crash landing on an odd planet that we know as Earth. Now this is point where ‘Galaxy 3’ gets real boring because Lithian and Belle will spend an awful lot of time walking through the woods and doing absolutely nothing except observing the strange habits of the barbarian earthlings who populate this world. Mind you, the task at hand was to A) fix the ship and then B) get help, but these clowns completely lost focus and just walked in the woods until they eventually had their long dormant sexual powers reawakened. Sherry Buchanan, who is really pretty but also amazingly skinny, didn’t flash us a titty until the 42 minute mark of this movie so that’s an awful lot of time spent doing nothing. Also, Miss Buchanan is so thin that she’s actually much sexier with clothes on than she is nude.

As you might imagine, eventually Orlocon and his Soul Brothers of Mayhem find these slackers and drop lasers on Earth. For some reason, maybe because Orlocon is a Black guy, but almost all of his minions were Black as well. I’m thinking these brothers were probably members of Don Powell’s band doing double duty since Mr. Powell scored this thing. So to save the Earth, Lithian and Belle leave the planet and give themselves up to Orlocon, but now that their sexual powers have been activated, and the Power of Love has been locked and loaded, they have a secret weapon. And they use it, even though I don’t understand it. Seriously, I have no clue what just went down. I was hoping for a little exposition, but ‘Galaxy 3’ gave me nothing.

Yes… ‘Escape from Galaxy 3’ is terrible, no denying that, but don’t think for one New York minute that there isn’t some entertainment value to be had here though 90% of this entertainment comes from Don Powell’s Orlocon costume. Trust me when I tell you that his outfit was the flyest, dopest, Galactic Ruler outfit in ALL the universe. Bootsy Collins just sent a text to let me know that even Captain Funkenstein wouldn’t have the stones to wear that costume. I will be pulling a capture so you can see it for yourself, because words

cannot do it justice. Another great thing about his movie is the plethora of ‘galactic speak’ in this movie. They were talking some seriously heavy galactic stuff in this movie, with everything being ‘hypergalactic’ or ‘intergalactic’ or ‘megagalactic’. Lithian and Belle’s ship almost reached six thousand ‘MEGA degrees’. Not six thousand degrees, but six thousand ‘MEGA degrees’. That’s damned hot. You will also love Lithian’s curiosity as to the savages inability to comprehend that they ‘come in peace’, as he unloads laser blast after laser blast on that ass. Stupid savages.

But when I saw the ‘Dance Number’, I was pretty much done. I imagine this is Earth after the apocalypse, but the thing that these natives seemed to remember most fondly from the old Earth was the TV show ‘Solid Gold’. Again, this must be ripped for all to enjoy. Don’t watch the movie, good heavens no, but just the classic scenes.

As you can see, in regards to being a sum of its parts, ‘Escape from Galaxy 3’ might actually add up to a negative quotient, but when some of these parts are taken individually, there is magic here. I wonder did they let Don Powell keep that outfit. Instead of money, I would’ve taken that outfit. That’s how awesome it was.

Real Time Web