Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

It is hardly a requirement for me to watch a film and have the entire plot spelled out for me, ala the talking killer that we see so often in films (Please see Twisted). I actually prefer my endings to be a little open ended, leaving it up to the viewer and his or her buddies to possibly discuss whatís actually happened. But donít try and tell me that completely forgetting what the hell your movie is supposed to be about, and then call it Ďopen endedí, is supposed to be cool. Oh hell no. This is what we have in this little Direct to Video, Elizabeth Shue vehicle, ĎFirst Borní which is a haunted house, demonic baby, voodoo horror flick... allegedly... but is actually just some long winded tired garbage consisting of unconnected scenes leading to a compendium of dissatisfaction. That's what this is, my friends.

The bountiful Elisabeth Shue is Laura, a creative dancer of sorts since Iím pretty sure that the style of dance her body double was performing during the presentation wasnít ballet, at least not classically. After the performance Laura starts to throw up leading us and her dance partner Samantha (Anne Wolf) to surmise that she must be pregnant. Off to the quickie mart goes Laura to buy out their entire stock of pregnancy test, uses them, and then lines them up on the living room table waiting for the results. Yes she has essentially peed on all of these things and thus lining them up on the living room table is just plain nasty. Nastier still is when her damn dog, apparently attracted by the heavenly smell of urine, grabs one in his mouth and flees through the house. I should also mention that on the subway ride home some crazy looking girl leaves a filthy bald demonic looking baby doll behind on the subway, after pretending it was her baby. This is relevant because Laura picks up the demonic doll and takes it home, I guess because she figures all of the Toys Rí Us dolls are filled with Chinese baby killing lead.

Overjoyed at the news of the pregnancy, Lauraís super busy husband Steven (Steven Mackintosh) decides to buy his new burgeoning family a house on the outskirts of the city. Always always always beware of a house thatís worth a couple million but has Ďmotivated sellersí ready to move it for 19.99 plus shipping and handling. But wait, thereís more. The dog knows something is wrong with the doll and buries it outside, next thing you know Laura sees a mouse and buys some rat poison which even a person with Alzheimerís knows is a no-no with a pet running around, and kills the damn dog. Distraught, a bawling Laura asks husband Steve does this mean she will be a bad mother? Well, not necessarily, but it does make you one incredibly stupid ass person. Soon the baby is born and Laura is Post Partum like a mofo. Concerned, Husband Steve hires Mrs. Kaspersian (Kathleen Chalfant), the most demonic looking house keeper he could find, to help Laura raise his child. Laura eventually is convinced the Mrs. Kaspersian is trying to kill her and her child with voodoo witchcraft. Laura soon goes completely off her rocker leading our SHOCKING CONCLUSION.

The reason this film sucks so bad is all in its narrative and editing as the cinematography, lighting, acting and atmosphere are all decidedly above average. The checkout girl at the super market informs us of Jenny who used to live in the house and has even left behind a diary. Laura even tries to reach her. Why, we arenít told. Whoís Jenny? We arenít told. Whatís in the diary apparently itís not relevant. The evil baby Doll is some kind of voodoo doll. Who was the girl that left it behind? We donít know. Why does she wish to curse Laura? We arenít told. Why does Laura take dirty baby dolls home, other than the fact sheís a cheap ass, we are left to wonder. On top of the voodoo doll it seems the house is haunted as some mystical force opens the laundry door so the silly dog can eat some delicious rat poison. Other than that, the haunted house is soon forgotten. We are left to assume the house just hates dogs. Mrs. Kaspersian is a voodoo mistress we must assume. Why did husband Steve hire a house keeper and fail to inform his wife that she starts work like today. Why is Mrs. Kaspersian placing voodoo spells or something on Laura and the baby. And why is she trying to help or hurt Laura and the baby? We donít need to know. Steveís wife is suffering from Post Partum syndrome, has just had a C-section, has the vapors, and has just ripped open her C-section stitches and yet he verbally abuses her because sheís not looking hot enough at some stupid ass company party. Come on Steve, or should I call you Adolf? Even Iím more compassionate than that and I'm a terrible husband.

There is more but my fingers are tired, and it all leads to our shocking conclusion which clears everything up in the way dirt clears up muddy water. I wonít put too much blame on director Isaac Web since it appears the distributor cut a full 30 minutes off his movie which completely fits in to the incredibly hole ridden narrative that we have had the misfortune of witnessing. Unfortunately, having suffered through this jumbled mess of a journey through the mind of PPT woman, I donít think I could stand a directorís cut version though ĎFirst Borní is badly in need of something to help fix what is an incredibly broken film.

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