It is hardly a requirement
me to watch a film and have the entire plot spelled out
for me, ala the
talking killer that we see so often in films (Please see
actually prefer my endings to be a little open ended,
leaving it up to
the viewer and his or her buddies to possibly discuss
happened. But donít try and tell me that completely
forgetting what the
hell your movie is supposed to be about, and then call
it Ďopen endedí,
is supposed to be cool. Oh hell no. This is what we have
in this little
Direct to Video, Elizabeth Shue vehicle, ĎFirst Borní
which is a haunted
house, demonic baby, voodoo horror flick... allegedly...
but is actually
just some long winded tired garbage consisting of
leading to a compendium of dissatisfaction. That's what
this is, my friends.
The bountiful Elisabeth Shue is Laura, a creative dancer of sorts since Iím pretty sure that the style of dance her body double was performing during the presentation wasnít ballet, at least not classically. After the performance Laura starts to throw up leading us and her dance partner Samantha (Anne Wolf) to surmise that she must be pregnant. Off to the quickie mart goes Laura to buy out their entire stock of pregnancy test, uses them, and then lines them up on the living room table waiting for the results. Yes she has essentially peed on all of these things and thus lining them up on the living room table is just plain nasty. Nastier still is when her damn dog, apparently attracted by the heavenly smell of urine, grabs one in his mouth and flees through the house. I should also mention that on the subway ride home some crazy looking girl leaves a filthy bald demonic looking baby doll behind on the subway, after pretending it was her baby. This is relevant because Laura picks up the demonic doll and takes it home, I guess because she figures all of the Toys Rí Us dolls are filled with Chinese baby killing lead.
Overjoyed at the news of the pregnancy, Lauraís super busy husband Steven (Steven Mackintosh) decides to buy his new burgeoning family a house on the outskirts of the city. Always always always beware of a house thatís worth a couple million but has Ďmotivated sellersí ready to move it for 19.99 plus shipping and handling. But wait, thereís more. The dog knows something is wrong with the doll and buries it outside, next thing you know Laura sees a mouse and buys some rat poison which even a person with Alzheimerís knows is a no-no with a pet running around, and kills the damn dog. Distraught, a bawling Laura asks husband Steve does this mean she will be a bad mother? Well, not necessarily, but it does make you one incredibly stupid ass person. Soon the baby is born and Laura is Post Partum like a mofo. Concerned, Husband Steve hires Mrs. Kaspersian (Kathleen Chalfant), the most demonic looking house keeper he could find, to help Laura raise his child. Laura eventually is convinced the Mrs. Kaspersian is trying to kill her and her child with voodoo witchcraft. Laura soon goes completely off her rocker leading our SHOCKING CONCLUSION.
The reason this film sucks
bad is all in its narrative and editing as the
lighting, acting and atmosphere are all decidedly above
checkout girl at the super market informs us of Jenny
who used to live
in the house and has even left behind a diary. Laura
even tries to
reach her. Why, we arenít told. Whoís Jenny? We arenít
told. Whatís in
the diary apparently itís not relevant. The evil baby
Doll is some kind
of voodoo doll. Who was the girl that left it behind? We
Why does she wish to curse Laura? We arenít told. Why
does Laura take
dirty baby dolls home, other than the fact sheís a cheap
ass, we are left to
wonder. On top of the voodoo doll it seems the house is
haunted as some
mystical force opens the laundry door so the silly dog
can eat some
delicious rat poison. Other than that, the haunted house
forgotten. We are left to assume the house just hates
Kaspersian is a voodoo mistress we must assume. Why did
hire a house keeper and fail to inform his wife that she
like today. Why is Mrs. Kaspersian placing voodoo spells
something on Laura and the baby. And why is she trying
to help or hurt
Laura and the baby? We donít need to know. Steveís wife
from Post Partum syndrome, has just had a C-section, has
and has just ripped open her C-section stitches and yet
abuses her because sheís not looking hot enough at some
company party. Come on Steve, or should I call you Adolf?
Even Iím more
compassionate than that and I'm a terrible husband.
There is more but my fingers are tired, and it all leads to our shocking conclusion which clears everything up in the way dirt clears up muddy water. I wonít put too much blame on director Isaac Web since it appears the distributor cut a full 30 minutes off his movie which completely fits in to the incredibly hole ridden narrative that we have had the misfortune of witnessing. Unfortunately, having suffered through this jumbled mess of a journey through the mind of PPT woman, I donít think I could stand a directorís cut version though ĎFirst Borní is badly in need of something to help fix what is an incredibly broken film.