Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So I’ve never actually reviewed a porno flick before. Okay, so ‘Femalien’ isn’t truly porno but there are some who would classify it as such. For instance, I get home one day and my wife tells me ‘I threw away your porno.’ I’m a bit curious because I don’t have any porno. At least none that she’d be able to unearth due to my highly classified and complex indexing system. ‘What porn would that be dear?’ I would ask. ‘Those dirty books you have on top of the toilet!’ she would reply. Oh…. What a sweet girl. She actually considers Maxim and Stuff magazine pornography. I should mention I get these rags for free, along with a bunch of other magazines since somehow I landed on somebody’s mailing list. Cigar Aficionado? Who knew such a magazine even existed? Anyway, if my wife considers Maxim porn then she would certainly classify ‘Femalien’ in that same category. Heaven forbid she watches volume 34 of Double Anal Intrusion. It would simply kill the poor woman. But on to ‘Femalien’.

Vanesa Talor assumes the role of Kara, an alien sent to gather information and retrieve samples of human interaction and intimacy. As to why, I’m not quite sure, but I’m pretty sure they explained it though. And considering how few words were actually spoken in this movie I really should have caught it. Kara, who is now in voluptuous, silicone assisted female form beams down to her ‘domicile’ and prepares for her mission. Outside the window of her apartment, a more toned down silicone assisted voluptuous woman in her bathing suit is getting a massage from her man. Overcome by the baby oil fumes (cue easy listening Cinemax score) they get busy right there whilst Kara looks on from her domicile, pleasing her self solo style in the meantime.

Kara has now declared herself hungry and her formless adviser Dak informs her that humans need something called ‘food’. Dak also advises her that humans wear something called ‘clothes’. Now all garmented up, Kara beams down to a local diner and meets the owner of the diner, Sun (Jacqueline Lovell) and her assistant Drew

(Matt Shue). Sadly there is an evil massage shop owner who has bought Sun’s lease and is forcing her out. So upset at this dude, Sun spills sizzling hot coffee on her chest, but quick to react Kara touches her where the burn is and not only stops her from scarring but transports Sun temporarily to a magical place of solo style self satisfaction.

Alrightythen. By now Kara is on the loose gathering all kinds of ‘information’ to complete her ‘mission’. A Sapphic lingerie show, a sizzling photo shoot, some kinky performance art, a full body massage, simulated sex with Drew, a full blown orgy and finally a girl on girl throwdown between the surgically enhanced Kara and the 100% natural Sun. Roll credits.

So what in the world would prompt me to watch a twelve year old softcore sex flick? Well it had come to my attention that in this particular genre that ‘Femalien’ is the first and last word of softcore sex movies. I’ll have to take those folks words on this as I believe that this is the first softcore sex movie I’ve ever seen. A few movies that may have shown up Cinemax seem to be hazy in my memory but I think those flicks probably had a little more story and lot less fake sex than ‘Femalien’ because this was just a showcase of gyrating naked people with a few words thrown in link the scenes together. The story was about as silly as they come and the acting by pretty much everybody in this flick was terrible. However I can see where the appeal for a skin flick like this would be. Pornography, for lack of a better word, is rank. It is brutal, harsh, stank and full of stuff that only a Gynecologist could appreciate. This however is pretty tame in comparison, just really fit naked people pretending to get it on. And don’t you worry ladies because there’s plenty of full monty naked dudes in this flick as well, though I wonder how they manage to control their ‘excitement’ considering their task is to grope and grind beautiful naked women with big fake breasts and 3% body fat. I guess that’s why they’re professionals. Or gay.

Do they even make movies like this anymore? It appears that the director of ‘Femalien’, Cybil Richards, stopped making movies in 2001, and since she’s like the Robert Altman of this genre I must assume that brutal porn has now taken over. If you’re looking for a nonsensical skin flick featuring big fake breasts and the bare minimum of plot, ‘Femalien’ may be the film you’ve been looking for. Or it’s sequel, ‘Femalien 2’. I think I’ll let that one slide.

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