Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Oh those wacky Brits. When they’re not donating large portions of their economies wealth to a group of worthless figureheads called The Royals, they’re making over the top gory horror movies featuring aliens with three titties. Wacky Brits.

The story is simple enough I suppose as Cat (Jennifer Evans) and Angelo (Eden Ford) are getting it on in the middle of an open field between some Stonehenge looking type rocks when they are abducted by a team of aliens. Well if you’re an alien and you have access to a human, what are you going to do? Probe them of course! So I knew I was in some trouble with this flick as we get an extended shot of Angelos naked butt while a drill inched closer and closer to his asshole. Naturally I was certain that the camera would turn away and we would just get a look at Angelo’s anguished face while a drill entered his ass, but director Jake West was like ‘oh no bro, check this out!’ And sure enough we, the audience, get to witness Angelo get anally violated as a putrid mixture of blood, guts and feces shoots out of his ass while the drill goes in. So there you go. This is what you are in store for if you don’t hit the eject button on this flick, slip it back into its Netflix sleeve, drop it in the mail and send this film back into the hell that it has erupted from. But if you do that, you won’t get to ogle the lovely host of some crazy UFO television show Michelle Fox (Emily Booth – who I’m told is a sexy host of some show over there for real) who is reporting on some fake abduction which apparently her audience has tired of watching as her ratings have dipped into the negative range, despite the boobilisciousness of her attire. To avoid being sacked Michelle has found an interesting story about a Welsh woman, Cat, who has been impregnated by ‘E.T.’ and on the urgings of her boss she gathers her team of A/V techs, UFO experts and re-enactment actors and heads up north for some alien knocked up investigating.

On the island, UFO expert Gavin (Jamie Honeybourne) senses some odd activity with his UFO sensing equipment, but he is largely dismissed as the geek that he is as these disbelievers set about interviewing Cat, who is certainly pregnant though she was active less than a week ago, and dealing with her insane country brothers. But the aliens aren’t done yet as these cats have obviously not come in peace and have set about the business of dismembering animals and humans alike, making true believers out those previous non-believers. Our humans are trapped on the island and have no course of action other than to fight back and hopefully stop the brutal alien incursion.

I don’t quite know what to tell you about this ‘Evil Aliens’ flick as director Jake West, who also wrote and edited his fllm, didn’t seem all that interested in the actual writing aspects of his movie as most of his energy seemingly went into thinking of different ways to make things gush blood and feces. And if this was his goal, as I will assume that it was since he’s created a group of the most forgettable movie characters ever, he has succeeded because West has created a series of quite memorable scenes of horrific violence. Whatever filmmakers use to make fake blood in England, there was a whole lot less of it available after this movie was done, let me tell you. Aliens burst out of humans, the always popular stake going someone’s butt only to erupt out of there mouth, I don’t think a single character made it with all of their limbs attached, if there was a windshield on a car in this flick, there was blood splattered on it at one time or another, if there was a window on a house in this flick, there was blood splattered on it a time or another, and on it went.

I assume the next logical question would be ‘well, bloodshed aside, is this movie any good?’ That’s a damn good question invisible person, because it’s barely a movie to start with quite honestly. It seems to have a beginning, middle and end, but hell if I know what the aliens were hanging around for. Or I suppose a more accurate term would be I don’t know what their ‘motivation’ was. The actors were fine and there performances were more than passable for this kind flick, though it wouldn’t have upset me in the least to see Emily Booth buck naked, but alas it was not to be. It was kind of humorous, well as humorous as watching some guy beat off against a wall can be I suppose, but for the most part it was a technical showcase for Mr. West’s team of prosthetic craftsmen and squib makers. There’s entertainment value to be had here for sure, but as a comedy about violent aliens, it ain’t exactly ‘Mars Attacks’. But that might be a moot point because you might not even make it past the anal probe scene, and this I would completely understand.

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