Similar to an episode of ‘Seinfeld’, here goes a movie about absolutely nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to watch every ‘Emmanuelle’ movie ever made, that is in the stead of attaining an actual damn near impossible goals such as getting out of debt, losing weight and finding a buyer for my house. I figured this goal wouldn’t be so difficult since all it requires me to do is sit on my ass and watch TV, which I’m among the best in the world at, but after sitting through ‘Emmanuelle in Bangkok’, It’s looking like I’m going out and buying a treadmill.

Despite the fact that this movie has no particular storyline, there were still images running across the screen and I will do my best to try and synopsize what these images were doing. Is ‘synopsize’ even a word?

As our film opens with the world famous hard hitting photojournalist Emmanuelle (the always lovely Laura Gemser) is in her darkroom developing some photos while some dude is hanging all over her getting in her way. It’s a wonder how Emmanuelle can get anything done. This dude by the way is Roberto the archeologist, and is played by Gemser’s real life old man, at least at this time in history as I’m unsure of the couples present marital status, Gabrielle Tinti. As will be a recurring theme in this movie, that scene has little to do with anything for next we see Emmanuelle and Roberto boarding a boat to the Orient as Gabrielle has a gig to snap photos of the king of Thailand and Roberto has an archeological dig to supervise. Mind you the movies about five minutes in and I haven’t seen Emmanuelle naked yet and I’m getting a little concerned. Fortunately no sooner than that thought crossed my mind are Roberto and Emmanuelle having fake sex amidst a montage of the pistoning inner workings of the ship they are sailing on.

So Emmanuelle is in Bangkok and hooks up with Prince Sanit (Ivan Rassimov) with Emmanuelle trying to bribe the Prince into allowing her to take pictures of the King and the royal family. The Prince isn’t interested in Emmanuelle’s money, but perhaps other things that the reporter has to offer. I’m sure Emmanuelle finds this most agreeable since a thousand bucks is hard to come by, but she will sex you up as easily as she’ll shake your hand. For real. So this movie is going on and on and on, and still nothing as far as a plot has happened, yet as we just get to see Emmanuelle get a couple of full body massages, engage in a sex orgy and watch some Thai woman at a some club show us what she can do with ping pong balls. Finally it looks the story is about start as someone breaks into Emmanuelle’s apartment and steals her camera, and then she gets gang raped. At least I guess its rape since after the rape she and the lead rapist are exchanging pleasantries. However these events only serve the purpose of forcing Emmanuelle to change locations where a lot more of absolutely nothing happens with the exception of Emmanuelle and other women getting naked some more and having fake sex. And that’s pretty much it.

As I work my through these Emmanuelle movies in no particular order, the theme of these things are fairly general with Emmanuelle being thrown in an exotic locale, gets naked and has lots of fake sex, but at least the previous ones have attempted to lay some basic story under the nudity and fake sex. Not my man legendary Italian porno Joe D’ Amato with this movie as ‘Emmanuelle in Bangkok’ is truly and unequivocally about absolutely nothing. Because this movie is about nothing it’s difficult to criticize it all that harshly, or for that matter to give it any praise. There are some good things to see in this movie as the photography is quite stunning and Laura Gemser has never looked better though I wouldn’t have been mad at her if she decided add about ten pounds. There’s lots of abject silliness in this movie like the Prince giving Emmanuelle this incredibly lame speech while they are naked and trying to have fake sex. A normal man would’ve just shut the F’up and got down to handling his business, but not this clown who was reciting Longfellow or something. I also thought it was funny when the young ingénue asked Emmanuelle ‘do you ever wear a bra?’ Uhhh…. no. I’m shocked that Emmanuelle even wears panties since that just adds an extra layer of effort for her to get naked, which has to happen early and often. There are some things that are disturbing in this movie such as the aforementioned gang rape scene since it looked like in the middle of the rape Emmanuelle seemed to take Coach Bobby Knight’s advice and just laid back and decided to enjoy the rape. There’s really no measure on how jacked up that is. Worst still is the fact that that crap that the lame Prince was droning on about earlier reappeared by way of voice over during the gang rape. Just kill me now. There was also an incredibly violent scene of a mongoose killing a cobra, which again had no real purpose in this movie, but since the movie was about diddly, D’Amato could have taken away or added anything and it wouldn’t have mattered one bit. Why not add Ninjas and Unicorns Joe.

A series of disconnected scenes and jump cuts stitched together amidst a throng of thin naked women and drawn out to a mind numbing 92 minutes is what ‘Emmanuelle in Bangkok’ turned out to be. See it for the nudity, nice photography and ping pong balls if you must. Avoid it for the erosion it will cause your brain when it eventually goes off.