Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
The plan, as it is, was to watch every SyFy Channel original film ever made.  Let's not get into the reasoning behind this lunacy, but that's the plan.  As it turns out, as of this writing, SyFy has two 'Dungeons and Dragons' sequels they have released as originals, neither of which I've seen, but I figured since I'm going to watch them eventually, I should at least check out the much reviled original film from 2000, again which I have never seen, to have a basis of what I might see with these low budget sequels.  Well my friends, I have done some stupid things in my suspect past, but jumping in a time machine to watch this Dungeons and Dragons movie was not very bright on my part.  Good lord that was awful.  I'm generally not too hard on these movies because I recognize that it is a lot work to make a movie, but that was a turd.  What were they thinking?  And I haven't rolled and octagonal die in my life.

Our film opens with Profian, as played by Jeremy Irons who had to have been on that stuff during the entire production of this film, throwing his hands up in the air like a wide-eyed, cracked out corner store preacher.  Now Jeremy Irons is a great actor, just watch his short but amazing performance in 'Margin Call' for proof of this, but while I assign no value to arbitrarily distributed awards, say like the Oscars or even the Razzies for that matter, after watching Mr. Irons in this movie, were it not for the painkillers I suspect he was on, I would've suggested The Razzies rename their top award to 'The Irons'.  Anyway, Profian is all happy and stuff because he got some crazy staff that lets him control dragons, only to find that his fancy staff sucks ass and doesn't control jack.  Now he has to get the staff of Empress Savina (Thora Birch) to control dragons and thus sends his right hand man, the silver lipped (?) Damador (Bruce Payne) to retrieve this thing.
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Now we get to the meat of this film, that being the introduction of thieves and BFF's Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans) who decide to steal some baubles from the school of magic, only to be exposed by the fair mage Marina (Zoe McLellan)… just in time to witness Damador murdering Marina's magic professor, a crime that these three losers will be framed for.  Did I just call that award 'The Irons'?  Maybe it should be called 'The Whalin'.  Just saying is all.  And Justin Whalin has no 'Margin Call' or 'Damage' or the 'French Lieutenant's Woman' I can call upon to save him.  Just 'Super Capers' which is evidence more damning than even this movie.

Now, in theory, adventure is afoot as Marina, Ridley and Snails flee, with sage map in hand, in search of the Rod of Something Important Which Will Do Something of Note.  Profian has also dispatched Damador to retrieve this map, Damador now all infected with … hell… I don't what that is coming out of his ears. 

Now this a bit of a spoiler but in the midst of the adventure, Snails, who is Black, obviously, since he's being played by Marlon Wayans, will encounter Damador in a showdown.  At the end of this showdown the kingdom of Izmer will now have a Black population of Zero.  We aren't counting the elf Norda (Kristen Wilson) since she's not a human being, you know?  Regardless, Profian has the Rod of Something or Note, which is doing something bad that I'm not quite sure of, something involving a Red Dragon, and it's will be up to Ridley and Zoe, along with the Elf and some dwarf, to save the kingdom for the Queen.  I think. 

Whatever you might've heard about 'Dungeons & Dragons', I'm sad to say that all of those tales are true.  Terrible dialog… I mean truly awful dialog, a scattershot narrative, parts of the movie either didn't get shot or maybe it was just shoddy editing, amazing over acting and overwrought buffoonery all framed by some really pretty pictures.  True enough the movie might've been a crapfest but it was a good looking crapfest and we could see where a large portion of the forty five million dollars spent on this movie went.

But it was probably the buffoonery of the whole exercise that put the nail in the coffin of this nice looking, terrible movie.  Now when you say 'buffoonery' and 'Dungeons & Dragons' your thoughts will probably drift towards Marlon Wayans, and true enough young Mr. Wayans was quite the buffoon in this movie, but to his credit he died in this turd with some dignity.  Or at least I guess he died.  There was kind of an open ended conclusion which I imagine was going to be revisited in the sequel, but since this movie made all of 8 bucks internationally, that didn't get the green light.  The thing is that pretty much every single character in this mess outside of Thora Birch and Kristen Wilson was the source of misplaced buffoonery.  Just watch Jeremy Irons in action and tell me he's not channeling the ghost of Evil Genius from Rocky and Bullwinkle.  And can anyone tell me what's up with Bruce Payne's Silver Lips? 

But as we like say, we're all about the positive here at the FCU.  Kristen Wilson's metal cone boobs were awesome.  Some old elf dude was prattling on and on about some nonsense while reviving Ridley, but in the middle of that scene were Kristen Wilson's metal cone boob plate which made whatever that dude was saying completely irrelevant.  And anything that distracted us from listening to dialog in this movie was a good thing.  Plus eighteen year old Thora Birch rode a dragon.  You can't beat that.

A movie that upset those who cherished the RPG and failed to interest those who beat up people who played the RPG, 2000's D&D movie gave us nothing.  Except for watching Jeremy Irons like we've never seen him before, and as he probably never wants to be seen again.
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