Dario Argento's 'Dracula' opens with a CGI
fly through an old village. The level of CGI on this
scene was something that would've have owners of the PSOne
complaining about how subpar it this was. I'm a little
concerned. And around the time Dracula (Thomas
Kretchsman) turned into a giant praying mantis and lopped off
a dudes dome, my concern was validated as it was clear that
Dario stopped giving a damn about his movie and just let the
chips fall where they may. And this is the way one
should approach 'Dracula' as it is fairly horrible as a movie,
but in the right frame of mind, it is still campy fun.
Is that what Argento was shooting for? I don't know, but
that's what we got.
It's the night of the darkness in gothic era Italy, I guess,
and all the doors and all the windows must be shuttered
because evil lurks about. However Tania (Miriam
Giovanelli) is feeling a little randy and needs to head out
visit her man. I imagine somewhere in this town a less
shapely, more homely young woman might also be feeling randy,
but where's the fun in filming that? So my man handles
his business, but doesn't even have the common decency to walk
the girl home. Jerk. Next thing you know, Dracula
and his amazing powers of shape shifting swoop down on poor
Tania and now the world is short one crazy hot, overdeveloped
young woman of questionable moral value. At least for a
little while.
Now say hello to Jonathan Harker (Unax Ugalde) who has just
gotten the plum gig as Count Dracula's personal
librarian. And odd job to be sure, but the count does
have a lot of books. At the castle there are some
strange things about The Count that have him a little
concerned. He never comes out during the day, he doesn't
eat, and he doesn't seem to cast
a reflection. Odd. And Tania's
back and becoming a vampire has sapped what little moral value
she used to have. The strangest thing however, even
stranger than the count not casting a reflection, is his
fascination with Harker's wife Mina (Marta Gastini) who hasn't
even gotten into town yet. Sadly, Jonathan Harker will
learn that being Dracula's librarian… worst gig ever.
And now Mina is in town, greeted by her best friend Lucy (Asia
Argento). Mina just wants to see her husband, but it
seems everybody in town is trying to divert her from this
simple desire. Well, not everybody in town.
Apparently some people in town have grown weary of Dracula and
the deal they made with him. Note to self, do not try to
alter a deal with Dracula on the fly. He doesn't like
that. But he does like Mina. A lot. Mina
however fears the worse for her poor husband and on the advice
of a local priest summons the mysterious Van Helsing (Rutger
Hauer) to help investigate. The situation, as it shakes
out, is worse than anything Mina could've ever imagined.
Because there's a dude walking around looking like a giant
praying mantis lopping dudes heads off. And this dude
loves her. Why a praying mantis? Hell if I
know. Ask Dario Argento.
As a bad B-Movie, 'Dracula 3D' has crossed its T's and dotted
its I's. Suspect digital effects, stiff acting, a choppy
narrative, and an over flow of bloody goop and gratuitous
nudity… including yet more shots of Dario shooting his nude
daughter which makes me a little uncomfortable. I know
that Asia has never been the shyest girl in town, and as a
true professional, once she steps on set she stops being your
daughter and just becomes another actor… but still. But
back on point, if you had a check list of things you wanted to
see in a bad movie, including an increasingly haggard and
bored looking Rutger Hauer and a man behind the camera who had
to be equally as bored, 'Dracula 3D' is your movie.
But of course, in our warped universe, it is this mix of
substandard elements which do have the proper mix to make this
movie, at least to me, somewhat entertaining. Thomas
Kretschman did his darndest to make Dracula cool and
sexy. He didn't always pull it off, with more times than
not his version of The Count seeming bored and detached, but I
think that's just my man's acting style. The dubbing in
this movie was so bad that all by itself provided this movie
with unintended humor, and while this film was erratically
paced, the director did err on the side of speed as opposed to
latency. We appreciate that. And somebody getting
decapitated, scorched, gored, axed in the back or having their
head split open was never far away.
We understand that Dario Argento is considered a legend and as
such there were some grand expectations for this film, but
that legend hasn't been on display in quite a while so we here
at the FCU weren't as upset with this junk as most
others. Yes, it's terrible. But the terribleness
would've been a tad bit more forgivable is the name Argento
wasn't attached to the film. Not recommended for purist
of the genre, Oh hell no, but if you like bad movies that
entertain, this happens to be one of them. If you were
to ask me.
