The end of an Era. That’s what we have here with Michael Massimo Tarantini’s semi-cannibal exploitation movie ‘Massacre at Dinosaur Valley’. I believe this is one of the last of the cannibal films to grace our shores since the Cannibal Ferox’s and the Jungle Holocausts and the Cannibal Holocausts of the world were years behind us at this point. This one, however, is a little different. It’s definitely not a hardcore cannibal movie, and is more along the lines of an ‘Indiana Jones’ knock off exploitation flick with a dash of cannibalism stuck in for good measure. If you’ve seen ‘Mountain of the Cannibal God’, imagine that only a lot more fun. A movie about a guy getting his heart ripped out and having it devoured by a crazed cannibal and a woman getting her right titty scratched up by a dinosaur claw being described as fun? Why yes it is my friend.
Say hello to international rogue and dinosaur bone hunter Kevin Hall (Michael Sopkiw). I think we are in Brazil somewhere and Kevin has just heard that world famous paleontologist Dr. Pedro Ibanez (Loenidus Bayer) is catching a charter to the mystical Dinosaur Valley to investigate some rare stuff. Before this, Kevin gets his ass kicked by two gigantic Brazilian dudes while attempting to defend some woman’s honor. You might notice that while Kevin was getting his ass severely blasted in this one-sided bar brawl he never lost that roguish grin. It’s almost as if he knew that the model whose honor he was defending was going to come by later that evening and show her appreciation in a most glorious way.
Anyway, Kevin goes to the doc’s hotel room to beg to come along on this flight. He could’ve knocked but apparently they don’t do this in Brazil. He walks in and sees the doc’s blazing hot daughter Eva (Suzanne Carvalho) taking a shower. He could look away or leave the room considering how rude this is but apparently they don’t do that in Brazil either. After a bit of playful banter Kevin convinces the doc to let him tag along and they are off on the plane ride.
Tragically the plane crashes, because Dinosaur Valley is evil and stuff, and a few of our passengers, including Professor Ibanez, don’t make it. Good thing that Captain John Heinz (Milton Morris) is on board to take charge of things because he did three
tours in ‘Nam! Sure he’s insane and can’t seem to focus, constantly staring at Eva and the other hottie Belinda (Susan Hahn) and their wet T-shirts, but he’s in charge. It’s not like he could do anything with them anyway since his harpy of a wife, and this movies WE ALL GONNA DIE GUY Betty (Marta Anderson), takes great joy in informing us of her husband’s impotence. In a few minutes she’s going to wish she hadn’t done that.
Ultimately this is going to leave Kevin, Eva and Belinda all alone to survive the cannibalistic natives. But first Eva and Belinda are captured by the cannibals and forced to wear possibly the world’s sexiest cannibal native gear ever designed. Truly these outfits are off the chain and when worn by the proper type of woman, with Eva and Belinda both being extremely proper, it’s something to see. Belinda, unfortunately, gets her right titty mutilated in a bizarre ceremony, but Kevin does manage to preserve the rest of Belinda and both of Eva’s tata’s as they make a run for freedom.
It’s all good now right? Uh, no. But first we must describe this films greatest scene. Kevin and Eva have apparently fallen for each other with their adrenaline running high after surviving the hungry cannibals. Kevin lays Eva on the ground, peels off what little she was wearing to begin with revealing her wonderful gifts that we never got tired of looking at, Eva for her part has that bored sleepy sexy look on her face… sure, she had that same look on her face for the entire film, but in this instance it’s completely working. Kevin is about to dive in and tear that up... but then he’s sees the footprint of a dinosaur. Seriously Kevin? Seriously? Self Cockblocked by a footprint? Not that it matters much I guess because the fat bastard China (Andy Silas) the evil Slave trader gem stealer has showed up, and he’s way worse than the cannibals. Kevin will be chewed on by a pig, Eva will get raped, Belinda will forced into a little girl on girl action… and that’s the good part for those guys until China eventually gets his.
Admittedly ‘Massacre at Dinosaur Valley’ is a little lightweight as far as cannibal movies go but as far as sleazy Indiana Jones rip offs go, this one is a bonafide winner in my book. This movie is wonderfully stupid, watch as the photographer gets eaten by piranha in the puddle, then watch as the ‘Nam vet and the hero jump into said puddle to fight for a little while, with these same piranha are apparently full from gnawing on that photographers leg because they didn’t bother those two at all. It’s also wonderfully sleazy considering Susan Hahn and Suzanne Carvalho spent so much time naked in this movie I felt bad they couldn’t see me naked.
High art ‘Massacre at Dinosaur Valley’ is not, but with bar fights, plane crashes, cannibals, scratched up titties, lots of nudity, fat bastard slave traders and Suzanne Carvalho looking crazy sleepy sexy… you can’t beat any of that with a stick.