Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So I’m watching this movie with a friend of mine who lives in Los Angeles and is back in Detroit visiting the family and taking care of some legal business.  This young man (not so young actually) is on the verge of becoming a Hollywood movie producer and tells me that movies are about getting the film done, making some cash, and screw all of that art nonsense.  A few deals that he has in the works have actually fell through due to some director insisting on some niggling detail that he won’t budge on, and now instead of this director getting his film made, he’s back on fries.  So ‘Decoys’ is about to start as he comes by, and he grabs a chair, some fried chicken and some Red Pop and sits down to view.  During this film, he would occasionally drop his head in dismay at the overall lameness of it all, and once even left the room.  Once when he dropped his head, I grabbed him by his hair twisted his head towards the screen and yelled ‘Watch Bitch!  These are the movies you want to make!  You Watch!’  I think he started cry, but continued to watch and realizes what he is about to do an unsuspecting American Public.  He is still planning to make crap movies, but maybe just a little less crappy.  No need to thank me.

And hell, ‘Decoys’ really isn’t all that bad so he’s really going to have problems.  Coming from Canada, where I usually expect to see slow moving character studies as opposed to horny alien movies, comes ‘Decoys’.  Luke (Cory Sevier) and Roger (Elias Toufexis) are college freshman.  One’s an underwear model, one’s a doofus.  You know the routine.  While doing laundry they meet a couple of insanely hot, blonde, buxom upperclassmen in cousins Lilly (Stefanie Von Pfetten) and Constance (Kim Poirier) who are quite amorous and come on real strong.  Lilly leaves her quarters in the laundry room prompting Luke to drop them off at the girls dorm room.  While

putzing around their incredibly chilly apartment and sniffing their lingerie, the girls come back forcing Luke into a closet where he thinks he sees Lilly’s chest opens up and release a bunch of blood sucking tendrils.  Regardless, Luke makes it out okay and tells his friends he thinks the hotties are aliens, which they of course scoff at.  Luke apparently scoffs at it too as he develops a big crush on the ravishing Lilly with the tendrils in her belly, but alas, he is rebutted as Lilly chooses the campus jock instead.  This is, of course, is a good thing for Luke in the long run as Lilly freezes the jock from the inside out with those evil tendrils of hers.

Luke knows there’s trouble now and, along with the cute girl shy girl that REALLY loves him (Meghan Ory) is going to expose the evil aliens.  Problem is his best bud Roger is in love with Constance, and considering Roger’s heart problem, Luke may not be able to save him in time.   So it’s a race against time and we watch and see if Luke will save the day!

As the movie ended, my friend Pete asked my how do I manage watch these movies night after night after night.  Particularly when I told him that comparatively speaking, ‘Decoys’ wasn’t so bad.  It ain’t easy folks.  ‘Decoys’ isn’t so bad, and neither is it so good.  What ‘Decoys’ has going for it is a boatload of incredibly good looking women, a little humor, a nice slick look about it, a halfway decent pace and special effects that are pretty good too.  What ‘Decoys’ lacks however is any hint of originality, a lot of unintended humor and some of the lamest, weakest, insipid, uninspired dialog to ever come out of an actors mouth that I’ve ever heard.  The only thing worst than bad dialog coming out an actors mouth is bad dialog coming out of a bad actors mouth.  Not trying to name names here, but I was curious as whether this was supposed to be a parody in some parts due to the behavior of some of our stars in this one.

I will admit the only reason I acquired ‘Decoys’ was because I have a copy of ‘Decoys 2’ that I’m plan to watch tonight and wanted to get the subsequent back story involved.  ‘Decoys’, sadly suffers from being too mediocre and middle of the road to recommend to almost anyone, despite the large number of beauties it has bopping around.  This doesn’t fill me with a lot of hope for ‘Decoys 2’, as you might imagine, asking one to question again, how do I do this night after freaking night.

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