Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I guess my first question would be, before I actually get into the nonsense that was the Sci-Fi Original Movie ‘Mongolian Death Worms’ would be why doesn’t Sean Patrick Flannery look like Sean Patrick Flannery anymore? I had just seen this movie back from 2005 called ‘Demon Hunter’ starring Mr. Flannery, in which he looked like he normally appears, then the next day I see the trailer for ‘Boondock Saints II’ and I’m getting a little upset because it looks like that Sean Patrick Flannery isn’t in that movie. What’s up with that? Until they show his name over some dude that bears a resemblance to Sean Patrick Flannery. Damn. Did my man have a nose job done, Botox injection or maybe he was sick or something? I don’t know but it is a little disconcerting to expect a dude to look one way and then have him look like someone else. At least he’s still hanging on to that wacky ass Goku style hairdo.

Anyway this doesn’t have anything to do with anything other than the ‘new look’ Sean Patrick Flannery is in this awful movie ‘Mongolian Death Worms’ and quite honestly I’m just sitting here trying fill up space because there’s not a helluva to say about this one.

Daniel (Flannery) is a treasure hunter of sorts on the run from some bad dudes here in Texas which is masquerading for whatever Asian nation Genghis Kahn is supposed to be buried in. Seems these thugs need the information that Daniel has but yet they are trying to kill him. Note to bad guys: Getting information from dead people is difficult. At best. Fortunately for Daniel he runs into his good friend Timur (George Cheung) the local sheriff which makes the bad guys stop shooting at Daniel for the moment and go away.

Soon we will also make the acquaintance of Dr. Alicia (Victoria Pratt) and her associate Phillip (Nate Rubin) who are trying to get to a village to deliver some life saving meds. Unfortunately their ride is busted and they need some assistance which will introduce them to Daniel who sticks them up for 300 bucks to ferry them to their destination.

We also have the project manager at an oil extracting water plant named Patrick (Drew Waters) who is desperately trying to move some valuable goods in between doing his job as a plant manager, a job that he is screwing up badly because of the failing pumps and the frequent earth quakes.

What does any of this have to do with giant worms eating people? In the grand scheme of things, not much really. These worms have been given the task of guarding Kahn’s tomb, which as it turns out they were really shitty at, so now they’re just roaming the country side eating folks and messing up the water supply. So worms are like everywhere but the good thing is that Daniel has a worm detector on his person. It’s like a Geiger Counter but for worms. I have no clue of the tech behind this wonderful device. Also cool is that these worms are total bitches. One bullet placed anywhere near one of ‘em and they are done. So I guess we’re waiting to see if Daniel will find his treasure, and if Dr. Alicia will deliver the meds and if the worms will eat Outer Mongolia. It didn’t seem like anybody really cared if any of this stuff happened in the movie so I don’t know if we should either.

Imagine you are seeing a twenty foot, thousand pound worm for the first time. Would you be shocked? In awe? Or would you be like… ‘look, a thirty foot giant worm. Huh. Go figure.’ For a monster movie there wasn’t a lot of monster stuff going on. In fact there wasn’t a lot of anything going on. The whole exercise was covered in a glaze of blah.

It isn’t like there weren’t enough exciting elements to choose from though. On one hand it looks like it’s going to be an adventure thriller with Daniel being chased by mercenaries who want the treasure, but they are killed off kind of quick so that didn’t really happen. Then it looked like it was going for the whole ‘Romancing the Stone’ type angle but Victoria Pratt and Sean Patrick Flannery seemed to nix that early and I think the most intimacy they showed each other was a high five. Of course if anybody watches this movie they want to see worms wrecking stuff but the worms were almost an afterthought since they were fighting for screen time between the stilted romance, the treasure hunt, the sick villagers and the evil power plant operation. The only good part, and this is a SPOILER, but the good part was watching the sheriff risk his life, kill every single worm he could, save hundreds only to get eaten in the end. What was cool about this was even though the sheriff was dead and he gave his life so Daniel and Alicia could live, they didn’t give a F@#K. Seconds after the sheriff was eaten, who was Daniel’s best friend, the plant blew up, the treasure rained down and Daniel and Alicia were filled with joy. How about a moment of silence for that dead bastard who just gave his life for you clowns? Damn.

Oh well. I was hoping with the glory that was the craptastic ‘Mega Piranha’ that we could get some craptastic overflow with the Sci-Fi Channels ‘Mongolian Death Worms’ but alas my friends all we got was crap. And some guy who looks vaguely like Sean Patrick Flannery.