Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

This is my original positive review of Dawn of Justice, before being approached by Marvel / Disney with a generous bribe to trash the film.

'Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice' opens with Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) narrating over the murder of his parents. Yes, we all know how Bruce's parents die. Yes, we've seen it in various movies, TV shows and comic books a thousand times… but this time was different and better. For starters, the Wayne's were leaving a showing of 'Excalibur', which was an awesome movie, as opposed to what they were probably leaving back in 1922… we are extrapolating that since Batman was created in '39, that's probably the year his parents were murdered… which was probably some Buster Keaton silent movie nonsense. Excalibur shits all over Buster Keaton. Regardless, this sets stage of darkness for the 2.5 hours of cinematic awesomeness we will experience in 'Dawn of Justice'.

Two years ago, Superman and Zod pretty much wrecked Metropolis and murdered most everybody in the city. Bruce Wayne tried to save the people in one of his Metropolis satellite offices, employees who didn't leave, despite the MASSIVE death destruction around them until Master Wayne called and told them it was okay to leave, because that's what good employees do. All were not saved, and Bruce Wayne, an obsessive compulsive if ever there was one, now has something to really worthwhile to obsessively compulse over. The death of the alien Superman!

What's Superman (Henry Cavill) been up to these last two years? As far as I can tell, mainly knocking off Lois Lane (Amy Adams) on the regular. And raining hell on anybody who threatens to stop that good stuff from coming his way. He totally murdered some African warlord who had a gun to Lois' head, and we're okay with that, because this is a Superman for a new generation. There were consequences and repercussions to these actions he took, but Superman doesn't care, so we don't care either.

Not everybody loves Superman however. In fact, almost nobody loves Superman now that I think about it. There's this senator (Holly Hunter) who wants a senate investigation on Superman, there's Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) who speaks in staccato indecipherable riddles and parables that don't mean goddamn thing, unless you're paying real close attention, then they actually mean a lot. I mean this a Lex Luthor for a modern generation, and he's awesome. Brian Cranston my ass. But mainly it's Bruce Wayne who hates Superman the most. Or Lex Luthor though we don't know why. But Bruce has a plan to stop Superman. If Superman doesn't stop him first. Because Superman hates vigilantes in costumes. Uh… okay. Well… It is okay, because this Superman doesn't stop crime. I haven't seen him stop one bank robbery or mugging or rape yet. He only stops disasters and stuff. And people who mess with Lois. He lets the police handle the crime I think, and since Batman didn't go to no police academy, I guess he doesn't have a right to stop bank robbers, rapist, human traffickers and child molesters. I'm with Superman on this.

Regardless, Batman has a plan to stop the potential Superman Menace, and it involves a little green rock from that Earth Terraforming device. That's still in the Indian Ocean. Though somebody, probably Superman, should've removed it from there by now. I mean it's alien technology that people are basically just f'n with. But hey, this is a Superman for a modern generation who doesn't have time for silly details like that, which would take away from his Lois time. Know what I'm saying? I'm with him on this. After his big battle with Batman, he's gonna wish he taken care of that little detail. Details like allowing Zod's death ship to sit in downtown Metropolis instead of throwing it into the sun. Stuff like that. Totally gonna regret it. Did you know that Bruce and Clark's mom's were both named Martha? I mean I knew that, kind of, but I never thought it was really relevant. Surprise on me.

Man, this movie is great. The action is fantastic, once it finally gets started about ninety minutes in, but it's okay because we were laying the groundwork for stuff. Mainly through the device of Bruce Wayne's clairvoyant dream superpower. And can we get a shout out to Ben Affleck who has instantly become the best Batman / Bruce Wayne combo ever? Mocked it when announced… Rocked it in execution. The story Zack Snyder was telling might've seen incoherent, rambling and meandering at times, changing its focus in mid-stream, but that fits this jumbled, confusing world that we are spending time in, and it works to perfection in confusingly making everything crystal clear. Lex Luthor's motivations against superman seem unclear, I mean, why does he hate Superman, who has never done a damn thing to him as far as I can tell… but he's Lex Luthor and that's Superman. Do we really need an explanation? No we do not. Or do we need an explanation of why Luthor created Doomsday, who could pretty much end life on earth as we know it? No, we do not. He's a Luthor for a modern generation and if you know the mod gen like I know the mod gen, they don't explain jack shit why they do what they do. And Gal Gadot owned Wonder Woman. Maybe a little setup of the who and why of Diana Prince would've been nice, but hey… she's got her own movie coming out in a bit, we'll get all of that then. Henry Cavill's Superman will make you forget anybody who's ever played the role, Snyder's storytelling mastery has never been more masterful, and the integration of what will be the Justice League movie was integrated smoothly, seamlessly and crisply.

Is there anything wrong with 'Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice'? Nope. Best Superhero movie ever. Or will ever be.

But alas once I got my check from Disney / Marvel, I had to reverse pretty much everything I said in this article, except the part about Ben Affleck being the best Batman / Bruce Wayne combo ever. They shorted me a good $3500.00 on my initial $82,688 bribe fee for not going back on that, but I have a little thing called integrity. Yes I do.

Lisa's Take...

Well Folks, D Day has come and gone. The long national nightmare…is finally upon us. Let the reviewing, critiquing, analyzing, and synthesizing the divisive movie that is BvS begin in earnest. Unlike my Marvel friend, I didn't get my check. So I'm freely saying, I actually liked BvS. Believe me, no one is more shocked about this, than well me. I knew better than to see MoS in the theatre, and watched it only because I didn't want to feel left out when BvS came out. Do you remember back then, when BvS was first announced? All those many moons ago, there was talk of how terrible Batfleck would be. Change.org had petitions asking for people's heads. DC announced it would move the movie from May 2016, giving way to Marvel. Seriously, what was DC thinking, caving to then "unnamed Marvel movie" And then finding out it was Cap 3? Seriously, who doesn't think Batman and Superman, teamed with Wonder Woman couldn't take on Cap and company? Then I actually watched MoS. The rampant destruction was secondary to letting Pa Kent die, and snapping General Zod's neck. If that's the kind of superhero we need for this generation, I don't want to be a part of this generation. Coupled with the fact that Cap 2 then came out, and WHOA. This is how you do a story people- take notes! This is how you surprise an audience, give cool plot twists, and STILL blow up plenty of crap. BvS was going to be an epic train wreck, I just KNEW.
And ultimately, it may still be a train wreck. But I was entertained and surprised, and for that I enjoyed the movie.

We got Synder's take on the death of Thomas and Martha Wayne. There were the pearls. And the gun. And the blood. We see Bruce rush to save his Metropolis employees, one who is pinned down by heavy debris. He's important people, cause Wallace will be used by Lex as some pawn. There is some filler, somehow we are in the dessert, with Lois and a camera dude. Who's camera dude? Not certain, but BOOM he dead. Caught spying for CIA, had some detectable gadget in his camera. OH WAIT- was that Jimmy. RIP Jimmy, we hardly knew you. Many people were upset by this, but mostly because there was no build up, but I could move on from this (not because I'm heartless) Who was this cameraman with no lines or prior screen time? It is assumed Lois is on some dangerous Pulitzer worthy assignment, but we're kinda dropped in the middle of it, and not really given a lot of groundwork to CARE for the character, even if as it turned out, in another universe, this was Superman's best friend. Not to mention, where's his fancy Supes calling watch? You would have thought that would be more useful than some ultra detectable CIA spy ware. Nope, not EXACTLY sure what went down, half the people turn on the other guards (surprise! They weren't on the same side) People died. Lois is saved. But not before she's suspicious of what's going on, she's got evidence and is now going to dig.
And what will she uncover? There will be congressional hearings. If you were to judge by the trailers Senator Finch was going to take Supes down a peg. She gave some story to Lex about calling urine grandma's tea…not sure I recalled that line correctly, but the tea is used by Lex. Certainly for his own statement, Lex would be present? He got wheel chair man to show up, as a visual aid of all the innocents, the collateral damage caused by Superman, the earth's purported savior. We see the glass of grandma's tea…no Lex, and BOOM. Senator Finch, Lex assistant Mercy, and wheelchair graffatti guy ALL DEAD. Except Supes, who in true modern fashion, missed the bomb. And as best as I can recall, didn't save anyone. What was Lex trying to do? Make it look like Supes set off the bomb? Clearly, it was wheelchair man, all the evidence pointed to him. But therein lies the problem, don't ask the question. Just keep moving, until we get to the next BOOM.

We get some dream sequence in the desert, where Batman is wearing the cape and cowl, with trench coat. Cause that's what one wears to the desert. Bats is kicking butt, until the soldiers mutiny. Bats uses a dead soldier as body armor, and totally shoots up the baddies like he's in a standard action movie. Who are these soldiers working for? Some are wearing the S patch on their uniform. This is the sequence where Batman is hung up, and unmasked by Superman in the trailer. But to what end? Again, silly of us to ask. When the fairies come, we know we are in the twilight zone. We're brought back to reality. What did we synthesize? Someone saying the key to Superman is Lois. Thanks internet for cluing me in that that was the Flash, cause without the red uniform or the lightning bolt, it just looks like some random person screaming at us. But that's ok, because we've got other places to be.

Like at a Lex fundraiser. Now boo hiss to the world's greatest detective to not notice he's being followed. Boo to a Kryponian alien for not being more stealthy or discreet. Supes certainly didn't need to follow Bruce downstairs, except to tell the audience "we're all acting out of character here" And to have both outwitted by Wonder Woman? Who just wants a photograph back? That's putting them in their place! There are more dreams and destruction, Supes totally James Bonding the Batmobile. Pa Kent babbling on about guilt, heroics, and farming, not sure what the point of that speech was. But way to "revive" Pa Kent! And at no point do world's foremost heroes say hey, we want the same thing. We want to help people. We want to save the world. Nope, just more fighting, and flashbacks. And then the epic battle- Batman's special armor, to fight this alien Kryptonian. And yes, Bats does actually shoot FOR REALZ. But it is because that is the delivery mechanism of the now gaseous krypton.

Which brings me to epic end of BvS. Should I have known that with Doomsday the end of Superman was near? In JLA they fought Doomsday several times, and all lived to tell the tale. So we got the Martha connection- wait your mom is named Marth? MY MOM IS NAMED MARTHA! We're best buds now, despite the fact that we've spent the better part of the move trying to kill each other and destroy each other's home city (not being content with just killing each other) The first rule of dealing with kryptonite? Friends don't let it near Supes. Literally anyone- Wonder Woman, Batman, Lois could have taken the spear to Doomsday. But no, it was Superman. And thus- BOOM, RIP Superman. This is now how the JLA forms, to fill the void, I hope it will work for Synder. In an era where usually you can predict the twists, who did what, almost to what line the characters would say, it is quite a feat that two of the world's most scrutinized superheroes managed to defy convention and go off script. For that, I enjoyed BvS. Yes it was meandering, jumbled, and confusing. But it is only confusing because we ask for an explanation. Why did Supes allow kryptonite and the wreckage to just sit in the Indian ocean? Why would anyone be ok with the remains of Zod's ship to be in the middle of crowded Metropolis? What exactly is Lex trying to do, this isn't the typical world domination, seems personal when kidnapping Ma Kent. These are questions, of which, there is no answer. So just sit back, and enjoy the ride. And for some, wait for the checks to roll in. I don't think we'll have another movie so eagerly anticipated, critically panned, and contentious. Even Justice League won't have the same anticipation, owing to the reviews and division. Less than 600 days AND COUNTING to find out!