Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I have this simple rule while watching a movie in that if it can make me laugh four times, then I’ll give it a recommendation. I’m not talking four smiles or four chuckles here, but four good solid gut busters. The film ‘Dark Queen’ from the vaults of that cherished institution of film ‘The Asylum’ managed to pull that off in the first fifteen minutes of its running time, leaving me in a bit of a quandary because while ‘Dark Queen’ was simply freaking hilarious, it was not a comedy.

Our film starts with a hottie in a bathing suit being videotaped by her nosy neighbors who think it strange that the hottie is using lighter fluid for suntan lotion. Stranger still is that the hottie sets herself on fire. Why did the hottie do this? Allow me introduce you to Helen (Tian Kitchen), a Doctor of some sort at the local U doing research on psychic ability with her graduate assistant Gary (Sean Klitzner). It seems there is a psychic serial killer named Horn (Michael Marks) who has been psychically making the trophy wives of some media magnate named Knox kill themselves. Why is he doing this? I fergit. But if I’m this Knox character I’m thinking better he have my wives set themselves on fire than me. That’s straight up good lookin’ where I come from. Anyway, the authorities have captured this crazed psychic and Dr. Helen takes an extract of his psychic brain fluid (?) to unlock his secrets.

Dr. Helen is your average six foot, 115 pound, model pretty PhD with a killer rack and bountiful fake breasts, but we’re not supposed to notice any of this because she wears glasses and keeps her hair tied in a bun. Helen lusts strongly after Gary but just doesn’t have the confidence to do anything about it which leads Helen to drink Horns brain fluid extract (!?!). The brain fluid has now blessed Helen with an S&M leather outfit, heavy eye shadow, bigger fake tits and a new name in Cassandra the Dark Queen. Cassandra is just plain mean as she makes people drink acid, chokes a Black dude, sets people on fire among other forms of mayhem and all for her king, the serial killer Horn who is controlling her by remote mental control. Cassandra and Horn have this plan to

kill everybody in the world through a cockamamie scheme that I won’t even begin to try to explain, but Gary along with his new friend, the ridiculously voluptuous Detective Carol (Sheyanne Rivers) who dresses in a fashion that is WILDLY inappropriate for a police detective, must try to put a stop Cassandra’s evil plan before it is TOO LATE!

Out of all of the movies that I have seen from The Asylum, ‘Dark Queen’ is the best by far, though that can't seem to keep it out of the garbage corner. I understand that includes films like ‘Transmorphers’, ‘Super Croc’ and ‘Snakes on a Train’ just to name a few, and as faint a praise this may be, it’s still a fact. Now compared to ‘regular’ movie of course, ‘Dark Queen’ is simply awful, but we’re grading on a curve here. When you see the evil serial killer Horn for the first time wearing the plastic contraption that ‘contains’ his psychic ability but can’t suppress his evil cackle, I dare you not to bust a gut. Or try watching Tian Kitchen go into her Dr. Jekyll convulsion and not burst out into uncontrolled laughter. By the time you get to the scene where Gary starts making out with a Cassandra induced illusion of his mother wearing a Japanese cheongsam and sporting a deep southern accent you will probably fall of your chair and decide you just can’t take anymore.

The story in this film is virtually incomprehensible as trying to figure out basic things like why are these characters doing what they are doing is a mostly futile exercise. The acting is extremely suspect at best, the editing is very choppy, and the special effects are not very special, but Director Ken LeVan does know how to convince a woman to get naked in front of his camera. Almost every single female character in this film displays their surgically enhanced boobies for all to enjoy. The Character of Gary, who in this film is presented as the second coming of Jude Law, should be so lucky to get this much action in real life. Another funny scene is where our voluptuous Detective rips off her skin tight top, as her and Gary are about to get busy, going sans bra revealing her amazing pair of D-cup fakies. In the next love afterglow scene she’s wearing a bra all of the sudden. Am I to assume krazy kids don’t wear underwear but wait until it’s time to have sex and THEN put on underwear? Krazy ass Kids.

‘Dark Queen’ really lifted my spirits with its incredibly humorous take on whatever genre it was shooting to be. In the future I will have to amend my rule in that it is required that a movie actually TRY to be funny for me to recommend it, but alas ‘Dark Queen’ came before the amendment and as such I have little choice to say: Run Out and get this slapstick laugh fest! So funny it will make you puke!

Real Time Web