Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Worst. Movie. Ever. But here’s the thing… I am smiling as I type that. Make sure there is no doubt my friends because Mark Stoufer’s creature feature ‘Creature of Darkness’ is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Seriously, this movie is about as bad as bad gets but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t entertaining.

Our film starts with some CGI jets flying over the landscape before one of these jets is accosted by an awful looking alien spaceship. Cut to the pilot of this ship being completely brutalized by a pretty cool looking alien who is peeling off his skin. Asshole alien.

Apparently that happened in the past so let’s speed ahead to the future where we will meet our young adults of interest who have descended upon a desert at an Air Force bomb testing range for some off road fun. Just roll with it. Chief amongst these kids is Andrew (Devon Sawa) who suffers from horrible alien infested nightmares with his good friend Mason (Dan White) and Mason’s incredibly hot girlfriend Heather (Fernanda Romero) deciding it’s time Andrew confronts these nightmares, considering these nightmares all center around this particular place. We should mention that Dan is a Black Male and Heather is a Latin Female. Also we have Black hostile Female Karla (Sienna Goines) and aggressive Amerasian Female Gina (Sanoe Lake). Oddly enough our characters ethnicity is plot relevant.

It’s not long before our alien starts hunting kids, or more accurately ‘collecting’ them. This alien, according to Andrew, is amassing a collection of different types of humans for reasons that I can’t remember even though I saw this movie fifteen minutes ago. For instance the alien grabs a blond white guy, then later grabs a white guy with dark hair because apparently his collection was missing these things. Makes sense to me. Now he plans to grab all of them, except Andrew because he already has a blond white guy in his collection. How convenient for Andrew’s friends that they are so ethnically diverse.

How did Andrew know so much about this alien menace? Well that pilot in the beginning of the movie was Andrew’s uncle and after he got free from this Alien somehow, he proceeded to bombard little Andrew with these horrible, horrible stories about how this alien f’d him all up which is why Andrew has all these terrible vivid nightmares. That uncle must be one hell of a story teller. My uncles used to tell me horrible stories too, mostly concerning heroin addicts and racists, but lucky for me I haven’t been carrying around horrible dreams about bums on the Jones.

Our heroes have a choice. Wait to get collected or killed or get ‘ingenious’ and defeat this beast. Somehow ‘ingenious’ devolved into the Black Dude chucking spears. Outstanding.

There’s a lot of craperifficness in this movie starting with a pitch that had to have been something along the lines of ‘Predator’ meets ‘Alien’ meets ‘Michael Myers’ meets ‘The Breakfast Club’ which is pretty much can’t miss if you ask me. Our alien, which has a fantastically designed head, spits goo just like the Alien from those movies only his goo doesn’t burn but instead is a fancy version of Elmer’s and just kind of sticks to you and pisses you off. Our alien hunts you like The Predator and even has Predator Vision, and he wears a hoodie just like Michael Myers. And generally speaking our characters method of communication consisted of standing in a circle and yelling at each other. All at the same time. Truly a clever move because while the dialog might’ve been awful you couldn’t make out what anyone was saying during these sessions so it completely worked.

Forgive me but the next paragraph will consist of wayward random rambling thoughts which is kind of like the movie itself. While our alien had a great looking head, when they opted to pull back for full body shots the CGI alien was probably the worst looking alien of all time. Just terrible. Actually almost everything in this movie was terrible but it was so consistently terrible that it almost all worked in a way. The story Andrew told us, that this movie was based on, was terrible and didn’t make any kind of sense and it looked like Devon Sawa was winging it for the most part, but it stupidly worked here a little bit. Observe as Andrew grabs the severed hand of the alien, mind you his hand was snagged during one of the better ‘ingenious’ sessions, and uses it to bravely enter into the aliens lair and free his girl Gina. That’s cool and all but he also could’ve freed four of his other trapped friends if he so chose, but he didn’t choose. What a dick. Earlier Gina would chastise Andrew for being a pussy and not fighting the seven foot alien with two rows of razor teeth which wasn’t very ‘ingenious’ of Andrew. But seriously, if the girl was so desperate for a fight why didn’t she go attack the alien? If we know we’re being hunted by a murderous alien how many times are we going to run off into the woods to pee or grab stuff before we realize this is a bad idea? While I probably should’ve been offended by Dan White’s spear chucking exploits, I have to admit it brought an awful lot of joyful laughter, possibly because he’s the worst tosser of spears ever. Dan White was also the best thing in this movie since he had all the best lines on top of being the smartest and coolest character in the flick, that is until he decided to pee on the alien, plus he got to constantly make out with Fernanda Romero which had to be a fantastic way to pass the time in this crap movie. In fact if I was a filmmaker I’d put Dan White in all my movies. According to Sienna Goines bio she’s 41. Is that true? There’s a lot of crazy, crazy hot women in their forties… Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman just to name a few of the many but if this woman here is 41 then somewhere there’s a painting of Sienna Goines in an attic somewhere that’s getting old as hell. And thanks for the shower scene. Gratuitous but appreciated. The last movie we saw Sienna Goines in was the movie ‘Who’s Your Monkey’ where she played an insufferable bitch just like she plays here. I’m concerned, Sienna, that you might be getting typecast girlfriend.

Man, ‘Creature of Darkness’ is awful. Just awful. But if you watch it with some friends and a couple of adult beverages then I bet you will have a great time. I know I did, even though I threw up in my mouth a couple of times.