I believe it was just last week when I described a movie featuring erratic pacing, extremely suspect CGI and starring a middle-aged former TV star… all the earmarks of a SyFy original, but that movie was called 'Flying Monkeys' where this movie is called 'Chupacabra vs. The Alamo' with our former TV star being Erik Estrada. Erik Estrada and bad CGI dingo's posing as chupacabras. This one had potential awesomeness written all over it. It didn't happen, oh hell no, not even close, but the potential was there.
Dateline San Antonio Texas… that whole 'Alamo' thing probably gave that away. Hardcore DEA Agent Carlos Salinas (Estrada) is
What killed these drug dealers? When Agent Taylor saw the dead beast that Carlos shot, she immediately surmised it to be a mythical chupacabra, but Carlos thinks that stupid… because it kind of is. It looks like a dead, hairless dog to me, but of course Agent Taylor will eventually be proven correct with her theory.
We also have a bit of family drama to deal with as Carlos also has two awful kids to deal with in his bratty and disrespectful teenaged daughter Sienna (Nicole Munoz) and his gang banging son Tommy (Jorgito Vargas jr.). Carlos' wife is dead and stuff. The guy in the last SyFy original had a dead wife too. Apparently wives in SyFy originals are expensive so it's best to just kill them off, that way a bratty daughter can say 'Mom would've understood!' Gotta have that in there I guess.
Moving along, the chupacabras have made their way from Mexico to San Antonio through the drug tunnels, and there are like thousands of them and they are completely wrecking the whole city. The authorities have called the National Guard, but they can't make until next week or sometime. Another staple of these types of movies is the worthlessness of the National Guard or FBI or Army or whatever government body that has to arrive to save the day. Be it hairless dogs or fifty foot mechanical aliens, they won't be able to make it 'until next week'. No matter how pressing the threat.
Since the National Guard can't make it until next week and the Chupacabras are eating San Antonio today, It's going to be up to Carlos and his team, along with a little help from his gangbanging son and his crew, to find the beasts and take them out. They suck at that. Now it's time to run in terror and hide out in the Alamo. They're not much better at that either, but at least The Alamo has a bunch of explosives in it. Don't ask us why. Gangbanging Tommy also walks around with C4. Don't ask us why, just be thankful that he does. Roll the credits please.
Yes, Terry Ingram's 'Chupacabra vs. The Alamo' is absolutely terrible with its horrible CGI dogs, awful green screen effects and erratic pacing and nonsensical storyline, but if you are a veteran of the Sci-Fi original wars, and we know you are, there are nuggets of SyFy original gold here to unearth. Not enough to recommend to a non-veteran to actually watch this movie, but for you vets out there, chances are you've already seen it so you know what's up.
For instance, this movie seems self-aware. It knows what it is and instead of trying to conceal what it is, it focuses on it. The alleged Chupacabra dogs are truly awful looking, but instead of hiding the awfulness, they are always there, often in bright light, so we eventually accept the awfulness as just part of the tale, mainly because we had no choice. There was a scene where the Chupacabras ate partying high school kids… who were drinking and sexing each other on the local high school front lawn. When I was in high school we tried to drink and have sex off of school grounds, but admittedly that was a long time ago. And the bratty teenaged daughter got gnawed on a bit by the Chupacabras, who we determined early on to be rabid, but yet Carlos assured everybody that she will be okay. Uh… she's gonna die. No cure for rabies homeboy, she's eventually gonna die. Totally. And on a serious positive side, I don't think I've seen an American movie that has given this much work to this many Latin American actors since like… ever. My main man Aleks Paunovic as agent Perez… a little strange… and somewhere Danny Trejo is completely pissed off that he was left out of the loop, but that is something of note.
Yes, 'Chupacabra vs. The Alamo' is awful, no qualifying that, but it is self-aware in its awfulness and we have to give partial credit for that.
riding his motorbike to the scene of a crime. The thing that is a bit odd about this is that the majority of these shots are shot against a crappy green screen, and there's even one shot where a CGI Erik Estrada is riding his motorbike. I don't know man, but I'm thinking if there's one thing that Erik Estrada or Larry Wilcox can do, its ride a motorcycle down a city street, but what the hell do I know?
When Carlos arrives on the scene, he finds a bunch of eviscerated Mexican drug dealers, and his new partner straight from Chicago, Tracy Taylor (Julia
Benson). Okay, there's a two ton elephant in the room and we're trying to ignore it, but it's pointless. It's Julia Benson's chest. I'm pretty sure she was born with it and as such didn't ask for it, but it's always there, it enters the room minutes even before she does, and it's a distraction. A glorious distraction perhaps, we're not here to say one way or the other, but a distraction nonetheless. Accept them as part of the movie and move on.