Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

My friends, it is quite possible that we have seen THE movie that could theoretically close THE door on the genre of the Women in Prison movie. ‘Chained Heat’ is so sleazy, and so incompetent, and possesses an all-star cast that is so eclectic… with these elements combined that makes it so wonderful… that it felt like it was made just for me.

Our film starts with prison guard Stone, played by the legendary Robert Miano, giving prison guard Boots (Kendall Kaldwell), one of the more hateful figures in cinematic history, a wad of cash to rape a prisoner. This prisoner is tired of being raped and has gun and is getting out of this joint one way or the other. Bad move girlfriend because about a dozen guards with shotguns are waiting and give her the Sonny Corleone treatment. Overkill perhaps, but whaddayagonnado?

Fast forward a bit to the offices of Prison Warden Bacman, as played by late Legendary John Vernon. One would think that a Warden’s office with shag carpeting, a Jacuzzi, an exotic fish tank, a fully stocked bar and mood lighting might cause some concern with the Powers That Be, but this is how Warden Bacman operates. This particular day, Bacman is entertaining inmate Debbie, played by former Penthouse Playmate Monique Gabriel, who also possesses one of the more gloriously nude bodies that will see in any movie ever. And John Vernon was all over that. I imagine director John Nicholas had to yell CUT six or seven times to get Vernon to release that ass. Anyway, Warden Bacman, in between taping his sex sessions with his inmates, has a little cocaine business on the side, but somebody on his staff is cutting into his action. He wants Debbie to find out who this is. Say goodbye to Debbie. We are sad.

But only for a little while because we are soon introduced to the Boom Microphone who will make one of its many appearances in this movie. They had to give the Boom Mic a SAG card when this thing was over. Moving along we are soon introduced to this film’s star, Carol as played by the legendary Linda Blair, who is jail for

accidentally killing a guy with her car. And she wasn’t drunk since she doesn’t drink. Clearly Carol had the worst lawyer ever. Carol isn’t cut out for prison life as she can see from the word go, considering the knife fight that occurred over a discussion surrounding which soap opera was better, followed by the ruthless assault of a tranny. What’s up with that?

The amazing cast of this movie only gets more amazing as we meet chief guard Captain Taylor, played by the legendary Stella Stevens, who is the one cutting into the Warden’s drug trade with her slimy lover Lester, played by the legendary Henry Silva. Distributing these drugs through her network of Mean Bitches is hardcore inmate Ericka, played by the Legendary Sybil Danning. Ericka has a mortal enemy however in Soul Sista Number One, The Duchess, as played by the late Legendary Tamara Dobson. The Duchess is just looking out for her ‘people’ and doesn’t want Ericka’s nonsense contaminating her efforts. You know The Duchess ain’t one to mess with because she menacingly whispers the last word of every sentence. ‘I will bring you Doooowwwwn’ or when she told the warden ‘Bull Fucking Sheeeiiiiittttt’. And Tamara Dobson has this way of arching both of her eyebrows at the same time which literally scared the shit out of me.

So Carol just wants to do her time in peace. Whatever. Her best friend Val The Whore, as played by Sharon Hughes who is almost as hot as Monique Gabriel, tries to give the girl sage advice, but alas there’s not much she can do. Carol will be assaulted, bitchslapped repeatedly, fondled, kicked in the gut and raped. Day two was even worse.

But things have gotten so bad in this prison with the murders by the guards, the drug trafficking and the constant raping, that Soul Sista’s, Racist Bitches, Goodie Two-Shoes, Whores, Thieves and Killers will all unite as one to bring about Social Change! By rioting. While trying to avoid the boom mic. That’s outstanding.

My friends, when the credits rolled on this movie, I literally broke down and cried. If you don’t watch WIP exploitation flicks and the choice was between getting a wisdom tooth pulled or watching ‘Chained Heat’, then by all means, get that tooth pulled then opt for the optional root canal because this is one badly acted, erratically paced, completely nonsensical, completely worthless, totally incompetent movie. No value to society here my friends. In fact it’s probably a detriment to society to be honest with you.

However if do watch these kinds of movies… then what the hell are you waiting for? Nudity, drug use, prostitution, insane violence, murder, rape, knife fights, shankings, more rape, racism, corruption, tranny abuse, a little more rape, and glorious overacting by the entire cast, except for Linda Blair who under-acted as if she was hoping somebody would swoop in and rescue her from this disaster. That didn’t happen.

We could go in depth on flaws in the narrative or the occasional technical glitch but that’s all part of the magic. My only fear is that somehow you will get a copy of this movie that I’ve heard has been edited down for public consumption. That’s an outrage. I saw a VHS transfer, and while it looked like ass, comparatively speaking, I saw the director’s ‘vision’. But a version of ‘Chained Heat’ without the hook to the forehead, the omission of John Vernon showing Linda Blair his version of ‘physical love’, altered frames to get rid of the boom mic and even a reported editing out of Linda Blair’s shower scene? Good heavens, who would want to watch that? See this horrible movie in all its original glory or watch something else. Otherwise… Best Movie Ever? Well, probably not, but… it’s in the debate!