3.6%.  That is what I’m guessing is the combined body fat of the five svelte, lean, and beautiful female starlets in Stainless Steel’s entertainment’s new horror movie ‘A Brush With Death’.  -49.7%.  This is the combined entertainment value that I got out of watching this exercise in extreme tedium.

Amber (Sienna MacDonald), Megan (Missy Sturges), Samantha (Lily Vu), Candace (Ali Thurow, and Hilary (Nikki Cordell) are five silly college age hotties who are planning a weekend away at one of the girl’s uncles remote country house.  We are privileged to see them load up the jeep and drive down the road for a good fifteen minutes while they talked about absolutely nothing that anybody could possibly give a damn about, and then the jeep runs out of gas.  In the first of many strange and nonsensical events in this film, the stranded hotties are met on the side of the road by a lecherous gas station operator and his young stuttering apprentice Caleb.  It seems this gas station owner is some kind of serial killer rapist as we are treated to a flashback of two slackers entering the gas station, the male slacker gets blown away and the female slacker gets taken to the back room while the letch forces the mentally challenged Caleb to pose the unconscious woman in all kinds of odd positions while he snaps away with his camera.  Then he sticks her in a freezer.  And that’s pretty much all we will hear from the serial killing, raping, photo snapping evil gas station owner until a brief scene having nothing to do with anything later on in the movie.

Anyway, after licking his lips a lot and trying to fondle the girls, the evil gas station owner gives the ladies some gas and they are back on their way.  They pass an old abandoned house, cue creepy music, then on to their palatial estate where they will swim, wear lingerie, and talk about nothing that anybody could possibly give a damn about.  Enter Rankin the hunk who claims to live down the street.  He hangs out with

the girls, plays truth or dare with the girls, swims with the girls, fantasizes about doing the girls and always leaves frustrated.  Caleb, the stuttering gas station apprentice is hanging out around the house too, peeping through the windows.  Oh and there is a flashback to 1955 where two brothers, one evil and one functioning in super slow mo are doing stuff that I didn’t quite get.  Don’t forget the creepy abandoned house either, cue creepy music, because the girls have decided to hang out there and spend the night or something, despite Rankin telling them that people who go there disappear forever.  Now how would Rankin know this information?

I admire writer / director Brad Weibe for getting his film made as finishing film with a microscopic budget is one of the more difficult things to do in life.  Trust me on this one.  This doesn’t mean that Mr. Weibe’s film is any good because it’s the polar opposite of good, but I still admire his ability to get it finished though.  I would have a few questions for the young director however, the first being ‘What the heck happened to your script?’  I know everyone starts out with a masterpiece, then situation and circumstance forces sudden changes, and if this was the case, they were unable to recover from those situations and circumstances because a lot of ‘A Brush with Death’ just didn’t make any damn sense whatsoever.  From the murderous gas station attendant, to the flashbacks to 1950’s, to the creepy house and the dude that lives in the creepy house and his confusing purpose in life, to the stutterer and the hunk and the hotties, nothing ever connected in a way for the audience to understand what in the world was going on.  Pile on to that the extremely lame dialog delivered by a group of actors, who though nice to look at, oft times struggled with timing and delivery.

Probably the most egregious crime committed by ‘A Brush with Death’ was the total lack of nudity.  Now if the five pretty female actresses in this confusing mess had gotten nekkid and stuff, it wouldn’t have made the movie any better.  But since they were in the movie, and they were so pretty with such glorious figures, and since they did lounge around a lot in bathing suits and lingerie, one did tend to feel cheated that they didn’t just go ahead and pop a few out for us. Not that we encourage this kind of thing.  But it would be getting a better review from me, that’s for damn sure.  Truthfully, the character of Rankin showed more skin than our five lean hotties, and that’s a crying shame.

With no naked women, an incomprehensible story line, poor acting and a very choppy pace which made this seventy-five minute film seem way longer than it actually was, sadly I can find little to recommend in ‘A Brush with Death’.  Remember, when all else fails, show some tits.  It’s a rule that’s always worked for me.