Breeders

First, allow me to take this space to give a free plug to the site FrightPix. This is one of the apps on my XBOX and I decided to take advantage of it on this day. You don't need an XBOX to watch the FrightPix… a PC… a tablet… whatever. And these movies are completely free. On the XBOX I was tortured with the same three XBOX ONE ads about every twenty minutes, which got mighty annoying, but it didn't cost me nothing. FrightPix isn't giving me one red cent for this plug, just letting you know that there are a LOT of ways to legally watch free movies out there. Looking at their catalog, I've seen a bunch of the movies on their site, and almost to a movie, the ones I've seen have been pretty much horrible. That includes the movie we saw for free… 'Breeders' from 1997… which was… awful. I mean… absolutely… terrible. I mean I wanted to shut it off it was so bad. But I didn't. Because I have a mental problem.

A meteor lands outside a girls school in Boston, releasing a chick in a weird suit (the late Kadamba Simmons), and a monster with a very active upper lip. The next day the authorities, including mega asshole cop Moore (Oliver Tobias), survey the scene and do absolutely nothing, then leave. This leaves Jack the Janitor (Richard Harrington) on the scene to clean this mess up. How do I Jack is a janitor? Because he wears a green jump suit that has the word JANITOR emblazoned on the back of it. That's how I know.

Now we meet the star of our film, Ashley as played by FCU favorite Todd Jensen, one of the reasons I actually cued this movie up. Todd teaches art at this school. Kind of. He taught about 45 seconds of one class and it looks like he only did this just to get a feel for the tail he will be soon chasing down. And he also looks to be the only teacher at this girls boarding school. One that has a principle. What I'm saying here, is that while I realize that none of these actresses are anywhere close to being underage, but if this school has a Principle, and if this the United States, then this school is a high school. Writer / Director Paul Matthews probably should've made Principle Roper (Melanie Walters) a Dean. That's all I'm saying. That still doesn't make it okay for art teachers to be sleeping with their students in their on-campus housing, but at least it's legal.

This does introduce us to the object of Ashely's desire, this being Louise, as played by actress Samantha Janus… the only reason to even remotely consider watching this movie. 'Why Christopher?', you ask. I hate to be crude here, I really do, and I realize at this point I haven't said much about this terrible movie, but the reason would be Samantha Janus, now Samantha Womack's behind. It's big, and round, and thick, and has these two shapely trunk like legs attached to it… she's almost the White Serena Williams. It could be 8th wonder of the world. It's incredible. Director Paul Matthews knew this, which is why he either had this woman in a way too tight mini skirt, or way too tight blue jeans, or a thong, or nothing. He knew. He played to the strength of his movie. Gotta at least give him credit for that.

Anyway, where were we? I can't remember. I do know that certain people and a few girls turn up missing, and asshole cop Moore for some reason thinks its Ashley. Ashley is breaking law, true that, but he's not responsible for this. Moore sends a squad of cops into the sewers to search for clues. How do I know they are cops? Because they have the word POLICE emblazoned on the back of their cop vests. That's how I know. They get eviscerated, never to be heard from again, and the sewers explode. Does anybody care? Does Moore, at any time, ask why his cops haven't returned or even checked in? Or why the school exploded? No he doesn't.

What does this monster want? I'm not sure. He's not raping these women, and the chick in the space suit has told us that these women can't even give birth to future monsters because the newborns will kill each other, so he just puts eggs in them. To what end… I can't tell you. Plus the monster is invincible. It's immune to bullets and explosions. Just ask those dead cops. Until we stop it by shooting it and blowing it up.

Truly, outside of Samantha Janus' lower half, there's not a lot to recommend in this one. Todd Jensen, who we champion on this site, kind of let us down, the actors struggled mightily with just about everything, part of this being… I'm guessing… that the majority of them were British trying in vain to fake American accents, and the pacing was too erratic and when it wasn't erratic it was just slow. Of course the narrative was nonsensical, but even more than we imagined. Louise was possessed by the monster, but to cure Louise our hero just ripped off her space rock pendant. Louise is good now. Other chicks are possessed by the monster, other chicks are wearing space rock pendants, but they were greeted with shotgun blasts to the gut. What's up with that? Plus this is a movie that probably would've been better served just playing up the sleaze factor. It takes place in a girls school, we can see from one gratuitous shower scene, so we know that these girls don't mind getting naked for the camera, it has a monster that wants to impregnate them… just throw caution and good taste into the wind… ala Humanoids from the Deep… and just go for it. I'm not saying it would've made for a better movie, but it would be a movie that is better remembered than it is today, and probably wouldn't be free on FrightPix. That's all I'm saying.