Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Editor's note:  The woman on the box cover is nowhere near this movie.  We're betting she doesn't even exist.

As bad as it is, this movie ‘Born to Ride’ isn’t the worst movie ever made. Heck, it might not even be the worst movie I’ve seen this week. However this is an absolutely awful movie and to put this in some kind of perspective for you, while it’s not the worst movie ever made, I do believe it’s the worst movie that Casper Van Dien has ever appeared in. Now if you allow that to sink in for a minute, I think you have a firm understanding at what you will be dealing with if you choose to accept the ‘Born to Ride’ mission.

Our film begins with hardcore biker Mike Callahan (Van Dien)… Yes, we know that putting a beard on Casper Van Dien transforms him into a hardcore biker the same way putting a tiara on me turns me into a beauty queen, but we’re going to roll with this. Mike at this moment is being interviewed by some guy, who actually looks like a hardcore biker, about how he brought down the scurrilous Senator Clayton (Kurt Andon). Just so you know, as you watch this movie waiting for Mike to bring down this senator and it never happens… you didn’t fall asleep and miss anything because it never happened.

You see Mike and his boy Alex (Patrick Muldoon… worst movie he’s ever been in… I know, right?) were about to go biking to some location when they saw an old guy with one leg getting beat up. Mike, an ex-marine, saves this old guy but not before the perps stab the old dude. For no reason. They probably should’ve stabbed Mike who was kicking their ass. Anyway, the old guy lost that leg in ‘Nam, and while losing a leg in ‘Nam isn’t funny in of itself, watching this old guy lay on the ground talking about taking a few in ‘Nam was high comedy. The old guy would like Mike and Alex to put this box of money for his daughter in the mailbox for him, crazy, but Mike promises to deliver it personally. Old guy then dies. Yep, this has nothing to do with bringing down dirty senators.

So Mike and Alex continue their journey, but stop off at Mike’s mom’s house (Teresa Russell) to rest up. Oddly enough Mike and Mom look to be about the same age, but we’re rolling with that too. Mike tells his mom about the old guy from ‘Nam and since his dad died in ‘Nam he’s going to head to the Washington Memorial to see his dad’s

name. Mike’s mom told him she lied about that, and Mike runs out of the house crying, just like any hardcore biker would do. This has nothing to do with dirty senators.

But there is a dirty senator, a guy who got caught videotaping an info for cash transaction spearheaded by Mr. Steele (William Forsythe… worst movie he’s ever been in… I kid you not). The guys trying to blackmail the senator get caught by the bad guys and by chance one of these guys put the incriminating video in Alex’s bag. Simply by chance. Now ‘Born to Ride’ turns into a comic road movie as the two bumbling thugs hired to find Mike and Alex endure wacky shenanigan after wacky shenanigan on the journey to whack the two bikers.

A lot more stuff goes on, almost none of it having to do with bringing down dirty senators, as we watch Mike and Alex ride, the two thugs engage in wacky shenanigans, until they all meet up and this is where you will discover that somewhere along the line the producers behind ‘Born to Ride’ ran out of loot or something because they kind of forgot to finish their movie. At least I hope that’s what happened because I can’t envision a scenario where a screenwriter would actually write down what we ended up seeing, no matter how inept or incompetent that screenwriter might be.

Sure, ‘Born to Ride’ is awful but even amidst this morass of underfunded dookey I have had my life enhanced. Mr. Steele, when talking to his colleagues about the dirty deal, advises them that sometimes ‘You have to let your balls to the talking’. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I, but I know it’s awesome and I know I will using that term as often as humanly possible from this point on. Also, various characters in this movie often referred to others they were upset with as ‘Fucko’. I’ve never heard that conjugation of the word, and I hope to never hear it again, but it was nonetheless educational.

So… the word ‘Fucko’ and ‘Let your balls do the talking’. That’s what’s good about this movie and since I’ve already spoiled it for you, so there’s no reason for you to watch it. Unless, of course, you happen to be a Van Dien, Muldoon, Forsythe completist for some unknown reason, or you want to watch the worst biker movie ever made, or you’re into self-flagellating your eyeballs.

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