Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Before MegaShark went toe to toe with Giant Octopus, before Dinocroc and Supergator did battle, before Super Crab met Crabantula… oh wait, that movie hasn't been made yet… contact me if you want the low down on that one…  back in 2004 Boa met Python in a battle for all the marbles.  In hindsight they should've called it Giant Boa vs. Mega Python… but that's hindsight for you.  And to the surprise of no one, Boa vs. Python is terrible… terribly awesome!  Just playing… it's just awful.  Awfully great! 

Broddick (Adamo Palladino) is a jerk of a casino owner who likes hunting big game, like really big pythons.  I thought googling Python Hunting would turn up nothing, but I'd be wrong because apparently Python hunting is really big in Florida.  Go figure.  Broddick also has a really hot girlfriend in Eve (Angel Boris) and right now Eve is on Broddic's giant jet about to take a bath, even though Eve looked pretty darned clean before she started soaping them up.  You may think this was a gratuitous attempt to squeeze some nudity into this film, but you would be mistaken because Broddick lets one of his pet snakes terrorize Eve while she was soaping up, with Eve telling us how much she hates snakes.  That's plot critical info right there.  Plus Eve has a snake tattoo going down her back, and while that might sound stupid considering she's afraid of snakes, we know that director David Flores is propping that up as a symbol of the oppressiveness that Broddick maintains over this poor woman, in a sense decrying third world feminine oppression.  That's what I read into that.

Anyway, this Python that Broddick was going to hunt with his crew of hired hunters has escaped, and is running around loose in Philadelphia.  Even though the vast majority of these Philadelphians have Eastern European accents.  Investigating the case of the Missing Python is hardcore FBI agent Mr. Sharpe (Kirk Woller) and he has a plan to catch this thing.  First, round up the brilliant 24 year old blonde premier expert in her field of sonar detection, Dr. Monica (Jamie Bergman), then track down Boa expert Dr. Emmett (David Hewlett), have Monica put her Sonar Tech on Dr. Emmett's beloved Giant Boa, then release the boa into Philadelphia so it can find this Python so Agent Sharpe's men can kill it.  In the history of stupid plans for hunting giant monsters in cinema, and there have been a lot of them, this could be the worst one ever.
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So on one side we have Sharpe, Dr. Monica and Dr. Emmitt tracking this snake through the Philly sewers, and the other side we have Broddick, and his crew hunting this snake.  Now about the hunters, other than they are terrible at hunting, most notable is Eve's hunting gear which is HIGHLY inappropriate, and the inclusion of two FCU favorites in Griff  Furst playing the sniveling son of one of the hunters, and Bulgarian actor Atanas Srebrev as a pretty boy sniper, who is the FCU's most favorite actor in the whole wide world.  This was 2004.  In 2014 a slightly more rotund Atanas doesn't play pretty boy's anymore, but he's still our favorite.

So this movie is almost over, and what haven't we talked about?  The Boa fighting the Python.  Finally it happens.  Roll credits.

Sure, while director David Flores film 'Boa vs. Python' drops the ball in the one thing that anybody picking up this movie might want to see, this being a giant boa vs. a mega python, but there are other things in this film which make it oddly tolerable.  Say like Actress Angel Boris and her unique talent of being able to take a bath, and sell me on the fact that she's taking a bath.  Not everybody can do that.  And say you're a woman or a gay dude who doesn't find Angel Boris taking a bath remotely interesting, Adomo Palladino spends way more time shirtless in this movie than Angel Boris does topless.  I mean this is a cat that could seriously be on that soap opera the Bold and the Beautiful if he was a better actor.   There was a scene where the Python ate some lovers, with the Python apparently going down on the woman.  Now that's pretty shocking, but more shocking was the headline blaring out 'TWO MISSING TEENS', when this woman seemed to be clearly into her mid-forties.  And if I'm a hunter, and I know I'm out hunting something, and I'm holding a high powered rifle, when I see this something should I just start screaming?  I'm no hunter but I think I would shoot first then scream after I'd run out of bullets.  While the Python was certainly the bad guy in the movie, when it tried to rape the Boa… that was probably crossing the line.  Plus it tried to rape a Boa that was already pregnant.  Of course we could ask what impregnated a 75ft Boa that was genetically bred and raised in complete captivity, we are not going to ask that. 

There's other stuff in Boa vs. Python, that doesn't include a Boa vs. a Python, that make it slightly above its other Bulgarian based Sci-Fi original brethren, but we have no time for that.  If you have to watch a movie that's called Boa vs. Python, lacking Boas vs. Pythons, but filled with other stuff… here it is.
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