Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

It’s not THAT bad, really.  It’s not good mind you, wayward Internet surfer, but it’s not THAT bad either.  For those of you follow the movie industry closer than you probably should, as I do, you are probably familiar with the works of German director Uwe Boll.  Mr. Boll has developed the unfortunate reputation as this generations Ed Wood with his film version of the Sega video game ‘House of the Dead’ considered the worst film of 2003 (IMDB bottom 100 rank #20).  He followed that up with what was considered the worst film of 2005, the film adaptation of the videogame ‘Alone in the Dark’ (IMDB bottom 100 rank #31).  I haven’t seen either of those two films, so can’t comment on their worthiness or lack thereof.  But I have seen Mr. Bolls latest film / video game adaptation, ‘BloodRayne’ and will comment on that. 

Terminator 3’s Kristanna Loken plays Rayne, a half vampire – half human damphir on the relentless quest to avenge the rape and murder of her mother by the king of the vampires, Kagen (Sir Ben Kingsley), who also happens to be her father.  Sounds like some gothic General Hospital action so far.  Problem is that Rayne is being held prisoner in a circus as a sideshow act.  The ringmaster likes to burn her with water (these vamps are allergic to all water, not just the holy kind), slice her up real good, then slit the throat of a sheep and feed it Rayne so we can see her heal.  Now THAT’s entertainment!  A trio of vampire hunters from the brimstone society, led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen) have heard of the existence of the Damphir, and believe bringing her to their team will finally destroy Kagen and his crew.  That’s as deep into the plot as I am willing to go as gets more convoluted as the film goes on with a large number of plot points not making a hell of a lot a sense.  Again, I didn’t say the movie was good.

You’ve gotta give Uwe Boll credit as dude can assemble some major talent to be in these suspect movies of his.  Academy Award winner Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Geraldine Chaplin to name a few.  And though Ms. Loken may not be an A-list talent as of yet, she certainly has an A-list set of breast.  Politically incorrect and sexist?  Perhaps.  But that don’t mean it ain’t true brother.  

Though a large chunk of the budget had to go to Mr. Kingsley, a considerable amount had to be allocated to the blood spray dude and his supplies as well.  This was one violent ass movie.  There were decapitations, eviscerations, forced limb removals, countless blood suckings and all accompanied with gallons upon gallons of unnecessary blood spray.  What good is gratuitous violence, I ask you, if it is not accompanied by gratuitous sex?  NO GOOD I say!  Ms. Loken blesses us with a completely unnecessary sex scene, and no less an icon than Meatloaf makes a cameo as hedonistic vampire swamped in an orgy of naked European women.  I wonder how much he had to pay Mr. Boll for that role?

So a lot of this stuff doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense.  Kristanna Loken is far to soft and ‘feminine’ to pull of the whole athletic badass vampire thing.  Michael Madsen stuck his performance on a postcard and mailed it in, and it still hasn’t reached its intended destination.  And it has probably the stupidest ending montage I’ve ever seen in a movie.  You think it’s over, but then Rayne apparently reflects in flashback for a good five minutes or so on every bloody thing we’ve seen up that point.  All that being said, however, the film is shot well, looks good, and is paced well, which is testament to the director.  It’s not good, but believe me when I tell you, I’ve seen much worse this year.  Line up ‘UltraViolet, Basic Instinct 2, Date Movie, When a Stranger Calls.  With and IMDB bottom 100 rank of #43, giving Uwe Boll the distinction of having three films on IMDB’s bottom 100, but BloodRayne probably doesn’t belong there.  ‘Leonard Part 6’ belongs, but not BloodRayne.  It’s simply bad, not horrible.  Makes me think there’s something personal going on here with Mr. Boll and the Internet users.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and rent ‘House of the Dead’ or Alone in the Dark’ anytime soon.

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