Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So actor Luke Goss is ‘one of my guys’, right? His movies are littered all over this little site, and I’m told that he used to be some kind of pop star in a previous life though I wouldn’t know anything about that. Still, despite the fact that the man is one of my guys I can admit that as an actor he may have a few limitations. Meaning that you just can’t stick the man in any old role and expect him to succeed at it. Say like a medieval king in the movie ‘Witchville’ or a tatted up gang banger in this movie ‘Blood Out’. An underhanded government bureaucrat or a smooth hired killer… that’s my man Luke.

Action will be the order of the day in this movie as we observe top cop Michael Savion (Goss) lead a crew of his SWAT team members on an attack on a meth lab. Savion got those bastards, but he also got a little girl in the process. I don’t think the death of this little girl has anything to with anything in this movie since Savion wasn’t investigated or anything like that. Just another dead little girl to be sad about.

Then Savion is visited by his gangbanging brother. He doesn’t trust baby bro, but the boy says he’s getting married and wants out of the game. Yeah, right. Next thing you know little bro is surrounded by his gangland superiors which include top dog Elias (Tamer Hassan) and higher up dog Zed (Vinne Jones) who puts a couple slugs in the boys back. I thought Hassan and Jones hated each other? Maybe they had their row before they shot this movie.

First thing Savion needs to do is see how the investigation into his brother’s murder is going, and this leads to the investigation officer of the G-Unit, Detective Hardwick (Curtis Jackson). He’s not a nice guy. This is also one of Fiddy's two scenes in this movie which is why we will not be using the sanctioned but misleading cover art released by Lionsgate.

Savion soon realizes the only way to get justice for his brother’s murder is to become one of the hunted, and thus we have the tattoos, the wife beaters and the baggy jeans. First Savion… or I guess we should call him ‘Snake’ now… shows his worth by

beating up some rival gangbangers which makes fellow gangbanger Anthony (Ed Quinn) take notice. Didn’t really buy into Ed Quinn as a gang banger either, though I wouldn’t want to tangle with the dude. His homey Squat as played by actor Sam Medina? Yeah… no problem buying into that cat.

Eventually Snake’s exploits gain him favor with Elias to the point where Elias makes him his general and even gives him access to his number one dominatrix Anya (AnnaLynne McCord), who likes to use cotton swabs on dudes mouths after she finishes sexing them up to unconsciousness. I’m assuming she does this for DNA purposes, and while I hate to be crass, but considering she just had sex with the guy she probably already has access to more DNA than she knows what to do with.

Did we mention that Val Kilmer is in this movie? Well he is, playing another gang banger or gangster or something named Arturo. All I know is that Arturo’s best fighter and Elias’ best fighter will go mano-a-mano… dressed as gladiators (?) with the fate of the entire drug trade of the Americas, both North and South, on the line. And the pregnant crackhead. Forgot to mention the pregnant crackhead. Ah, don’t worry about it.

True enough, director Jason Hewitt’s action film ‘Blood Out’ has some challenges to overcome on the journey to becoming a good movie, challenges it wasn’t close to conquering, but there were some good things. For instance, it is clear to me that you cannot go wrong putting Tamer Hassan anywhere in your movie. And I’m not just saying that because I’m fearful he might find me and kick my ass because I’d give him all he could handle. In fact him and Vinnie Jones would be jeopardy, at the same time, if they decided they wanted some of this. But back on point, Tamer Hassan the actor can do almost every level of bad and is so menacing and can be so hostile that he’s almost always a joy to watch work. Now the concept of having his character being the head of street gang? No, not working. Let alone a street gang that has the potential of controlling the entire drug trade of the whole world? Seriously?

But Luke Goss as a gang banger? He looked plum silly with those fake tattoos and baggy jeans. Put my man in a suit, please. The fighting sequences were cool enough but the concepts behind them were completely ridiculous. And Val Kilmer… Come on Val, you’re killing me over here. For starters I think he made up his own lines for this movie since I can’t imagine anybody else writing the esoteric, incoherent, droning nonsense that he was spitting. Good luck understanding anything that was supposed to mean. And maybe a visit to Great Cuts is in order. The Gladiator battle? Goodness. The undercover FBI agent who takes the term ‘undercover’ to all new levels undercoverness? A story that doesn’t even make sense in the pretend world it exists in?

The car wreck was probably the best part though. Clearly cleaved from some bad CGI, this car carrying a pregnant chick and a bad guy, neither wearing seat belts, must have flipped sixteen times while going 80 miles an hour with the worst damage for anybody being a bloody lip. That’s awesome. And we also loved how the undercover agent was wearing whore clothes before the chase but knowing that lives were at stake, still found time to change into some more appropriate FBI clothes to do some FBI stuff at the chase end. That’s also awesome.

But the bottom line is that ‘Blood Out’, despite its glorious cast of B-Listers, might be even too stupid for me, and you know I’m the generous type.