Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

The IMDB cracks me up sometimes.  I mean you peruse a forum for some movie or another and you invariably run across a user who claims that X movie is the ‘worst movie ever made’.  Do you have any idea how bad a movie has to be to be the ‘worst movie ever made’?  We’re talking all movies now, not just the occasional Hollywood stinker like ‘Gigli’ or ‘Johnny Mnemonic’ or something.  Check some of the stuff shot on old VHS camcorders that York Entertainment was releasing in the late 90’s or early 2000’s.  They could still be releasing that crap now but I haven’t seen a York joint in a while.  Or peep some of the ‘films’ that The Asylum is dumping out today.  If you’re going to call a movie ‘The worst movie ever made’ then make sure you’ve seen ‘The DaVinci Treasure’ or ‘Supercroc’ first.  It would be more accurate to say that it’s the ‘worst movie I’ve ever seen’ since I’m pretty sure no one has seen every movie ever made, plus it would save you much internet flaming.  As this relates to ‘Bloodlines’, I’m not saying that anybody involved in the creation of this film is going to be heading home with any golden statuettes anytime soon, but it certainly isn’t the ‘worst movie ever made’ as some internet posters have claimed.  Hell, it even had its good points.

In the backwoods of Kentucky… and you know if it’s the backwoods of Kentucky there’s gotta be some inbreeding and people who look like that haven’t been immersed been in water since they were in their mothers’ amniotic sac.  Now I’ve been to Kentucky a few times, and though it was mainly urban type areas, all of the people I saw were quite clean and none of them had two heads.  Anyway Babygirl Amber Strickland (Grace Johnston) as she is called by her older brother Brody (Douglas Tait) is on her way to college, the first of the Strickland clan to go this route.  Amber is hesitant because she doesn’t want to leave her clan alone, particularly her mute younger brother Bear (Dorian Kinji), but Brody tells Babygirl to get along a get her some

education.  If Amber was paying attention while she was on the phone she would have noticed that the old geezer putting gas in her car was screwing it up so it would stop a mile or so down the road and next thing you know Amber is snatched up and spirited away to the backer woods of Kentucky.

When Amber comes to she sees that she’s locked away with two other women in some log cabin.  This house is run by one Billy Bob Hackford who spends his days kidnapping women, hosting death cage matches between the ladies, and having sex with his sister – note, I have a sister and that was difficult as hell to type.  But Billy Bob is screwing his sister only for recreation and not procreation as Billy doesn’t want no inbred bastards running around.  Hell, they got enough of those already in the house with cousin Squirm and Royce.  Nope, Billy Bob kidnaps women to carry on the Hackford name and then have them cage match it to the death so that only the strongest can survive to breed.  That may be a fight I’d just have to throw.  Billy Bob just screwed up though because he just nabbed a Strickland.  You see the Strickland’s deal in death, and boy business is good!  Big brother Brody grabs baby bro Bear and they’re armed and off to find their missing sister, who also ain’t no joke, and kill up some sons of bitches.  So sit back and watch some inbred backwoods hicks die horrible deaths.

Worst movie ever… please.  ‘Bloodlines’, originally titled ‘Welcome to Stickville’ was actually pretty decent.  I’m thinking ‘Southern Comfort’ meets ‘Caged Fury’ meets ‘Missing in Action’ with actress Grace Johnston being a little bit hotter than Chuck Norris.  There wasn’t a lot of horror in this horror movie and I wouldn’t even have placed it in that genre, other than the horror of having sex with your sister, but ‘Bloodlines’ is much more of an action picture with plenty of fight scenes, chase scenes, lots of robust violence with arrows and knives penetrating skulls, battling babes and even a bit of gratuitous nudity.  Director Stephen Duhram keeps the film moving at reasonably brisk pace and though the film is low of budget, he keeps the print looking clean and professional. 

The place where ‘Bloodlines’ struggles the most in the acting as most of the actors were stiff and came off as if they were really trying hard to remember their lines instead of actually acting.  Acting may look easy but it’s truly a difficult skill get halfway proficient at much less master.  Believe me, I tried it once.

Other than the acting, which is no minor quibble mind you since all movies pretty much rely on acting, ‘Boodlines’ isn’t such a bad way to waste away 85 minutes.  ‘Worst Movie Ever…’  Watch ‘Tyrannosaurus Wrecks’ then get back to me.

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