Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
For those of us that follow this nonsense, we've known for years that the Sci-Fi channel has been buying their fair share of Asylum movies to show as their SyFy original films, but to our sadness, SyFy has all but abandoned their original film slate in place of bad reality shows and other junk we don't want to see.  So what's a hardworking, low budget movie studio to do?  Animal Planet?  Didn't expect that one.  So here we are, watching 'Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys' on Animal Planet.  I guess it makes sense… lampreys are animals and this movie takes place on a planet… sure, we'll go with that.  The comforting thing is that be it SyFy, Lifetime, VOD or Animal Planet… it is still an Asylum Movie and it is still terrible. 

Ahhh beautiful Michigan.  I'm from Michigan, this ain't Michigan.  Hell if I know where it is.  Anyway, some brother is trying to fix some pipe problem in some lake when a lamprey jumps on the back of his large bald head and drags him the water.  Dead Black Guy out of the way five minutes in.  That's a relief.

Now we meet our films star, hardworking Parks and Wildlife employee, on loan to the sewage department, Mike Parker (Jason Brooks) who knows just about everything possible there is to know about lamprey.  Seriously, if there's a college out there that offers a PhD in lamprey studies, this cat is the dean of that department.   The Parkers are your typical horror movie nuclear family that also has doting wife Cate (Shannen Doherty), disrespectful teenage daughter Nicole (Ciara Hannah) and Kyle (Yar Koosha), the precocious adolescent boy.

So the routine goes as you would expect.  Mike along with his tough partner Will (Zack Ward) see there is a lamprey problem with the lake, Mike thinks the lake should be shut down, but the scurrilous Mayor (Christopher Lloyd) refuses because it's going to interfere with some kind of summer fun event.  Local mayors hate anything that stops summer fun events, even if it means everybody must die… because the fun must go on. 
Back to the FCU
Let Chris know how Wrong He Is
Don't Be Square...
Like Totally Twisted Flix!

The problem is that the lamprey problem is way worse than Mike could've ever imagined.  Way worse.  These are special mutated lamprey, hell if we know how they came to be, not that this is neither here or there when one is attached to your face, but these things are off the chain.  They can live in your body, they don't really need water, and they come through pipes and enter your house though these pipes and the toilet and what not.  There are millions of these things, and quite honestly it looks like society as we know it is about to end.  Especially if they enter Lake Michigan, even though they are nowhere near Lake Michigan.  Hopefully Mr. Lamprey PhD over there can figure this out.

Of course 'Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys' is terrible, what else could it be?  It's a movie filled with suspect CGI lamprey, suspect acting, stupid characters, an erratic pace, and no real resolution to the pressing issue of Mutated Killer Lamprey.  As least as far as I could tell.  But let's work with the baseline that we knew going in that 'Blood Lake' was going to be terrible, even though I'm not sure the executives at Animal Planet knew how terrible it could actually be.  I wonder did the executives at Animal Planet even watch this movie before they chose to air it?  But Anyway, if we work under the baseline that we knew beforehand that 'Blood Lake' was going to be terrible, how is it now?  It's still terrible of course! But at least it's a terrible we can work with.

I don't know if you would count this as a positive or a negative, but 'Blood Lake' is awfully gory.  Eyeballs get eaten, an endless number of bodies get burrowed into in bloody fashion, lampreys exit mouths aplenty, and I think they even liquefied a dude.  Then, of course, there was the toilet scene and they didn't even shy away from that.  I wouldn't have minded if they did, but they did not.  If you want to see lamprey do horrible things to people, this would be your movie.  And if you are in a truck and lamprey are in the street, should one stop?  Probably not.  Probably should just drive over them I'm thinking.  And if you do stop, perhaps roll up your windows?  This incredibly stupid character was played the lovely Rachel True who we were really hoping would survive this film, much more so than every single member of the Parker family, all of whom we hated. 

The acting really wasn't so bad I guess.  Christopher Lloyd who I don't think I've ever seen in one of these types of movies, did that thing he does as the mayor, and to great effect.  Shannen D., who I see in movies like this all the time, seemed to be a little more engaged in this one as opposed to the last few we saw her in.  And Zack Ward, who I ONLY see in movies like this tends to give Shakespearean type effort almost all of the time.

But it was still pretty awful.  Despite the gore and the plethora of lamprey slaughter, it all got kind of repetitive after a while and thus was a little boring, and I'm not convinced the lamprey elimination plan really worked in the end.  Plus there was the slight issue of the lamprey eating humans because they ran out of food in the lake, but what about the cute ducks in the background that constantly populated the lake?  Why didn't the lamprey eat the ducks?  Ducks taste better than humans.  And did they ever stop the lamprey from entering Lake Michigan?  That one I think they succeeded at.  Because they are nowhere near Lake Michigan.
Don't Be Square... Like Totally Twisted Flix!
Real Time Web