I’ve seen episodes of ‘Deadwood’ that were funnier than this. It actually pains me to write a detailed review of this movie, and I’m not being figurative here as my knee actually hurts and I think ‘Blonde and Blonder’ is to blame. But alas writing reviews of bad DTV movies is what I’m not paid to do so I will do my best and trudge through it.
Dame Pamela Anderson, who also served as this films executive producer, plays Dee. Dee is a blonde and as such she is densely stupid. She has made the decision to become a pilot, despite the fact that flight lessons are prohibitively expensive and Dee has no viable means of income. At the flight school Dee meets Dawn (Denise Richards) who is also blonde and identical to Dee in dress, personality and intellect. Somehow both women get into an airplane, each of the notion that the other is the instructor and take flight along the Canadian landscape (this is a Canadian movie by the way). Eventually they discover that neither of them knows how to fly and nosedive the plane into a golf course, an accident they not only walk away from scratch free but it doesn’t even mess up their hair. Turns out Dee and Dawn are neighbors with Dawn living in her condo for nine months and Dee living in hers not nearly as long, for about a year. I pulled that joke from the movie so…
Now fast friends, Dawn and
have decided to become big time stage dancers and answer
an ad at place
called the Beaver Patch Club. This is where the film
actually starts as
the owner of the club is a mob snitch in the witness
who uses his real name in the advertisement. This
obviously gets the
attention of the big mob dude who hires the mysterious
assassin known as ‘The Cat’ (Emmanuelle Vaugier) to take
him out. The
Cat has an apprentice known as The Kit (Meghan Ory) who
she is training
to take over the business as she eases into retirement.
The mobster has
pair of super dense henchmen in Swan and Leo (brothers
John and Kevin
P. Farley) who want to find out the secret identity of
The Cat, and after
The Cat eliminates the
snitch at the club, the duo mistakenly thinks that Dawn and Dee are the pair of assassins, and as such offer the dumb blondes to take out’ noted gangster and casino owner Mr. Wong (Bryon Mann). Can you feel the laughter building? Naturally, in case you haven’t guessed, ‘take out’ means something completely different to our disgustingly daffy duo. Also on the trail are a pair dense, but not blonde, FBI agents in Agent Campbell (Joey Aresco) and Agent Gardenia (Gary Chalk) who also are under the impression of that Dawn and Dee are the international assassins. The Cat also gets wind of some assassin attempting to horn in on her good name and travels to the location of the hit to eliminate her competition. As you can plainly see, when all these disparate elements meet in this central location, the theory is that wackiness and mayhem should ensue which will ultimately lead to side splitting hilarity. That was the theory at least.
One thing I’ve learned is that bad comedies have nothing to fall back on. Every once in a while I’ll see some awfully bad horror movie or thriller, the movie ‘Ice Queen’ comes to mind, and it’s so godawful that it ended up being hilarious and as such I had a good time watching it. But a bad comedy? If a comedy was so bad that it ended up being hilarious, then it wouldn’t be a bad comedy would it? And I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a comedy that was so bad that it ultimately ended up being considered seriously thought provoking and dramatic. No sir, a bad comedy is just a bad comedy. ‘Blonde and Blonder’ is a bad comedy. So poor was the funny stuff in this flick, with one lone exception, that none of the jokes worked on any level. I’ve already passed a law (Assuming Bush doesn’t veto it) that more than two instances of flatulence jokes in a movie is now a punishable crime, and this one had six fart jokes. All done by a plastic turtle. Unfortunately since this movie is Canadian I believe they are out of my jurisdiction, but the minute the filmmakers cross the border, they’re finished. Sure the whole character misunderstanding plot device worked well for Jack, Crissy and Janet back in the day, but ‘Three’s company’ was only a half hour long with commercials. I doubt it very seriously that classic comedy could have a carried an entire movie on that shaky premise and this kind of proves it couldn’t. Now I’m not going crap on Pam and Denise since both of these nice women appear to be good mothers and have their own issues to deal with other than having some anonymous film critic shat on their movie, but Pam might me getting a little too long in the tooth to be doing these kinds of roles and Denise doesn’t do stupid well. Which is kind of a compliment when you think about it.
Ultimately the main problem with this movie is that it was too damn long. 95 minutes, normally speaking isn’t a long time for a movie, unless it’s an unfunny comedy. I have an edit bay at home that I use for this TV show I do and could easily hook these dudes up and shave fifteen minutes off this thing and thus make it more palatable. The scene that detailed our wacky team of individuals driving to Niagra Falls? On the cutting room floor. The scene where Dawn and Dee are driving around in circles and drive through a movie set? On the cutting room floor since we’ve already established the fact Dawn and Dee are stupid. There’s more, but the challenge would be in keeping enough scenes in to keep it over 75 minutes.
The worst is that apparently there’s a sequel that’s been greenlit already. Give me a call guys and I’ll cut if for you. For Free. And these knives are sharp.