On June 29th of this year of 2013, the great
but enigmatic Jim Kelly passed away after a reported long
battle with cancer. Of the list of people I don't know
but cherish greatly, Jim Kelly is near the top of that
list. Right behind actress Kelly Hu. I think Jim
would understand. In honor of the late Mr. Kelly, it's
nigh time I finish off his filmography, most of which I've
seen, starting with this movie I've been avoiding for years…
'Black Samurai'. Why would I, a confessed Jim Kelly
slappy be avoiding Black Samurai? A choice made all the
more curious since I've read all of the late author Marc
Olden's Black Samurai paperbacks as a kid? Three words…
Al Freaking Adamson. We know if Uncle Al was behind the
camera, said movie has little choice except to be
gawdawful. If Al wasn't murdered by his handyman back in
'95, he'd be 80 years old still making horrible movies.
Guess what? We've seen 'Black Samurai' and to the
surprise of no one… it was gawdawful. But with respect
to the late Mr. Kelly, we gleefully stumbled through it.
The evil Chavez (Roberto Contreras) has kidnapped the fair
Toki (Essie Lin Chia) on behalf of the super evil Janicot
(Bill Roy). Why? That's a damn good
question. If I gleaned correctly from the information
given, Toki is the daughter of some important Asian dude, and
thus this is going to make it easier for Janicot and Chavez to
move drugs and prostitutes. I guess. The concept
doesn't make much sense but there it is.
It so happens that Toki is the consort
of D.R.A.G.O.N. super-agent Robert Sand (Kelly), code named
The Black Samurai. The MAN pays Sand a visit while he's
on vacation and goes through this long song and dance about
how evil Janicot is and how he's into evil voodoo and all
other stuff and how they need The Black Samurai to get on the
job.
FINALLY, they mention the bad dudes have
kidnapped his girlfriend and Sand accepts the job.
Could've saved us ten minutes of horrible dialog and bad
acting by just leading off with that.
Now The Black Samurai's mission begins. More or
less. Truth be told, he's really not much of a super
spy. Or a samurai for that matter since he rarely
touches a sword. This missions basically consists of
Sand riding around in his dope ride, to be honest with
you. He gets chased by racists who drive a car that
spontaneously combusts, he crashes a party and beats up some
midgets, he puts on a jet pack and flies around the woods, he
fights some leopard skin Zulu warriors… I mean he does do all
kinds of stuff, but as far as his mission, which I think is to
stealthily find his girlfriend, he kind of sucks at
that. The stealth thing is a bit marred by the bright
purple super sports car, his tendency to dress in bright
orange jump suits, and having the largest, roundest afro on
the planet Earth, so everybody already knows who he is, long
before he shows up.
Still, Toki needs saving. From what… we don't
know. And Janicot… The Warlock… needs to be
stopped. From doing what… we don't know. What we
do know is that poorly rendered action and the worlds worst
voice dubbing shall ensue. And Al Adamson got me again.
To think that Al Adamson made me long for Robert Clouse.
Clouse made a big name for himself directing 'Enter the
Dragon', but as time revealed, that movie was great largely to
the presence of Bruce Lee. Clouse went on to make other,
less awesome kung fu flicks such as Kelly's own Black Belt
Jones, China O'Brien and… oh dear… Gymakata. But at
least Clouse halfway knew what he was doing, even on his worst
day. 'Black Samurai' is darn near incomprehensible, made
palatable only by Jim Kelly doing what he does and the
bountiful, grossly underused Marilyn Joi as the character of
Synne. This movie does almost nothing right. Yes,
Jim Kelly has never been a great actor, even by his own
admission, but making sure every other actor in the movie was
worse probably wasn't the best approach to propping up my
man's skills. Sure, Jim Kelly is a great fighter and a
heckuva athlete, but Al skipped the class 'Kung Fu Fighting
101' when he went to that film school that he went to.
The scenes are poorly framed, overlit, badly edited… the movie
is a total mess.
But yes, there is still enjoyment to be had, despite all of
this. Did Sand really have to call a guy he just kicked
in the face a 'white faggot'? That was totally uncalled
for. Most superspies have a mini knife to cut themselves
out of tight situations. Sand has a mini flame
thrower. Now you would think the bad guys that had Sand
tied up would've noticed the smoke coming from the flaming
ropes behind his back, but these aren't the observant type bad
guys I guess. Another thing about this flame thrower which was
awesome, was that Sand was locked in a prison and he used the
flame thrower on the lock which amazingly opened the
door. I didn't know that was even possible. And
this was the first time I saw a midget with a bullwhip control
Zulu Warriors. Then fall to his death from a four foot
tree. Then there was the final battle between Sand and
Bone (Charles Grant) while some dude did the ADR, who I am
going to guess was a white guy trying to sound black, voiced
Jim Kelly and it was so incredibly insipid that it almost made
for the price of admission.
Rest in Peace Sir Kelly. We wish we could've seen you
more after the less gawdawful 'One Down, Two to Go' back in
'82, but we still have enough to carry us through the tough
times knowing that you are no longer here.
