Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

If you’ve seen this little low bud vampire flick ‘Bitten’ then you’ve heard the little ditty they play in this movie ‘Tidy up your Mess’. Dog… I tell you… if I hear that song one more time I’m gonna slap the sh*t out of somebody. I’ll do it to. I don’t care who it is.

Anyway, Jack (Jason Mewes) is a grave shift EMS driver working along side his completely inappropriate and politically incorrect older buddy Roger (Robert Fitzpatrick). Roger is upset with Jack because Jack is total bitch and refuses to get over his girlfriend Sherry (Jordan Madley) who left him for her yoga instructor. What Jack needs is a new woman and then on one fateful day Jack finds that woman in Danika (Erica Cox). Where did Jack meet Danica? Well Danica was covered in blood lying in the garbage bin right outside Jack’s rundown apartment complex with a pair of bite marks on her neck. He offers to take her to the hospital but she vehemently refuses this offer, so Jack carts her into his crib and decides to help get her well himself.

Just so you know Danica cleans up really, really well. She’s tall, slender, with unnaturally blue eyes and body that’s a mix of the handiwork of God’s natural skill and Man's mastery of cosmetic surgery. It doesn’t take long until Jack falls for her. Jack’s buddy Roger is happy that his boy has finally found somebody, even though he’s fairly convinced she’s a junkie, but he’s happy for him, at least to start. While Danica isn’t a junkie she still has a jones and not until Jack gets an unannounced visit from his ex-girlfriend would Jack find out exactly what she is jonesing for. Blood baby, blood. I’m sure you figured that one out.

Jack, who’s not the brightest bulb in the box, eventually figures out that his new girlfriend is a vampire. He’s not happy about this but she is hot. But she needs to be fed on the regular and live kitty cats and stolen blood bank blood just ain’t working, so Jack has to find her something else to feed on. This often leads Jack having dead bloody bodies on his living room floor, coupled with him cleaning these bodies to that cursed tune ‘Tidy Up your Mess’. Roger can tell something isn’t right with his buddy since

he’s missing work, and on the days he does show up he looks like total ass. This is what they tell us because the truth of the matter is that Jack looked like total ass before he met Danika. Roger knows seconds after meeting Danica that something’s up because she is way too hot be with somebody like Jack. He figures Jack’s getting her drugs. He’s going to get to the bottom of this.

Hot as she may be Jack realizes that he’s lost control of this situation as the dead bodies start to mount. He has to do the unthinkable and take his girl out. She is not going to like this.

Just what the doctor ordered, another low budget vampire flick of suspect quality. Thanks ‘Twilight’ and ‘True Blood’ for keeping this unnecessary practice going. But to be fair, ‘Bitten’ it really isn’t all that bad. True enough it’s classified as a horror / comedy with the horror part undercooked and the comedy also coming up short featuring Robert Fitzpatrick spewing the most disgusting things ever out of the mouth of an old man and Jason Mewes abusing the word ‘fuck’ which comedy doesn’t necessarily make. But there are some things in this movie, directed by Harvey Glazer, which at least manage to make ‘Bitten’ tolerable.

Not the least of these tolerable elements is actress Erica Cox spending the majority of this movie naked or next to naked. Really can’t put a price on that. In fact if you have a list of things that you would like to see in your movies with the top three in this list being nudity, sex and bloody gore with fourth place belonging to profanity… then you will probably be able to easily overlook the fact that this film is paced far to slowly, that Jason Mewes would have difficulty acting if some evil bastard took the various conjugations of the word ‘fuck’ out his vocabulary and that Erica Cox the actress isn’t nearly as impressive as Erica Cox the physical phenomena. But like I always say, given a choice between being hot or knowing how to act, I’d choose hot. I can always take an acting class.

So while ‘Bitten’ admittedly has its challenges as a horror / comedy it completely succeeds as a showcase for Erica Cox’s figure and Jason Mewes and Robert Fitzpatrick’s filthy mouths. I don’t know if that counts as a solid recommendation but it is what I got.