Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Since my current project is to watch every Sci-Fi channel original that the channel has ever aired, invariably the subset of this goal is to watch every movie that film Canadian filmmaker Paul Ziller has ever made, at least in the last six or seven years since Mr. Ziller apparently owns stock in the Sci-Fi network considering how often they lean on my man to deliver product.  Admittedly a more constructive goal would be cleaning out the garage or finishing the restoration of that old 80286 PC I've been working on, but here we are pursuing this pointless goal since SyFy and Mr. Ziller make movies more frequently than I have the ability to watch.  Which is impressive.  What is less impressive and almost stupid is that today's Sci-Fi original 'Beyond Loch Ness' makes 134 Sci-Fi originals, this being the twelfth Ziller, with a120 more Sci-Fi's to go.  Like Sisyphus trapped in hell pushing that rock up the mountain, we soldier on.

Back in '76 some scientists have made the most awesome discovery, that being a pleistasaur or a palenatosaur of something-o-saur.  I can't remember.  It's the Loch Ness monster.  Actually the monster found these scientists after one of the scientists found one of Nessie's eggs.  I mean when Nessie emerged from the sea looking all angry and stuff they tried to give it back but we will learn that while Nessie might be a good mom, she's kind of a dick and she eats these guys, while the young son of one of these scientists hides away in fear like a bitch ass sissy.  Note that one of these decimated scientists was played by actor David Lewis who dies so often in these low budget horror movies that we have bequeathed the title of Honorary Black Guy upon him.  Wear it with pride, David. 
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Fast forward to the present day where we meet young Josh Riley (Naill Matter), a young loser running a boat shop who routinely gets picked on by his ex-girlfriends rich boyfriend.  Chances are the rich boyfriend is going to get eaten.  One day Josh gets a mysterious visitor, the strange cryptozoologist Dr. James Murphy (Brian Krause).  We must question Dr. Murphy's credentials if only because Cryptozoology is the study of 'hidden animals', or basically stuff that doesn't exist, which means he's the doctor of nothing, and not too many accredited institutions that I'm aware of issue degrees based on nothing, but we will roll with it for the sake of this movie.  Dr. Murphy is looking for something… that something being the Loch Ness monster… though he's being all secretive and stuff about it.  It won't be a secret long because Nessie is busy eating folks like Josh's uncle, the Chief of Police's sister, the hottie that's on that show Breakout Kings, the asshole rich boyfriends best friend who is a real Black guy and we won't even get into the folks Nessie's kids are eating.

In case you haven't guessed, our Dr. of Nothing is the little bitch ass sissy that was hiding away all those years ago and he's come to seek his vengeance!  To make this happen he has a boat load of James Bond type weaponry, he's got Josh, he's got Josh's mom (Carrie Genzel) whose a cop and has a gun, he's got the Chief (the late Don S. Davis) whose already upset that Nessie ate his sister and also has a gun, not that he and his sister will be apart long, and he has Josh's ex-girlfriend who is really good at being motionless.  This might be the reason Josh broke up with her in the first place.  Don't concern yourself about the asshole rich boyfriend.  Nessie and her spoiled kids don't stand a chance going up against that kind of crew.

In my most humble opinion, 'Beyond Loch Ness' is the blueprint of what most of these generally awful SyFy Channel original monster movies should aspire to be.  No, it's not a great movie and we probably can't even call it a good movie with a completely clean conscious all things considered, but this was a movie that extracted the most out of the little it had to work with, it slid along at a nice pace, it was ridiculous, it was delightfully stupid and ultimately delightfully entertaining. 

The key to any decent monster movie is the monster and Nessie over here was a decent one.  She wasn't animated too badly, integrated well into the surroundings, and seemed only to exist to eat Canadians.  The lesson being, keep your monster simple and focused on the task at hand.  Since Brian Krause is the lead, we're good there because Mr. Krause is about as solid a B-Movie actor as they come.  He's not Albert Pujols, to use a baseball analogy, but he is like the sixth hitter in your line-up, bats .280, gets you 75 RBI's, and rarely strikes out in the clutch.  I decided to eschew the usual football analogies as I'm trying to grow as a person. 

Some of the more delightfully stupid stuff included the Indiana Jones-esque Cryptozoologists microwave ray gun which cooked stuff from the inside out and was so awesome that we have to wonder why he didn't use it all the time.  Basically he only used it boil water.  We also dug how the asshole boyfriend eventually got eaten, which should've made the girlfriend sad, but then she and her ex-boyfriend were locking lips when the danger had ended, noting that her current boyfriend had been dead all of ten minutes.  I'm all for a sister moving on, but maybe a 24-hour mourning period is in order here.  And while the Chief was a real solid dude, again, nobody seemed to care that he died saving everybody else's ass.  In fact, I'm not even sure he's dead, just injured and in need of assistance.  Somebody check on the Chief, or at least how about a moment of silence for the man, even though I suspect he's still alive. 

Not a great movie 'Beyond Loch Ness', but certainly an enjoyable one, especially when taken in consideration where it spawned from.
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