The President (John Savage) is on Air Force
One, flying over the Bermuda Triangle about to get a
haircut. Where's Air Force One is coming from and where
it is going is neither here nor there, because they will never
tell us, but what is important is that he's about to get a
haircut, because right now the President looks like a
Woodstock hippie reject. Apparently John Savage doesn't
cut his hair for low budget crap movies. This haircut
won't happen because there's a frightful storm which takes out
the plane, but one of The Prez's ace Secret Service men was
able to get him in the Escape Pod before it was too
Air Force One really have an escape
pod? I need to research this. Now the President
needs to be retrieved and that's what's gonna happen in this
film 'Bermuda Tentacles', but not without some complications.
On the scene is hardcore Marine / Army
/ Navy / Coast Guard Sergeant Trip Oliver (Trevor
Donovan). I'm not sure which branch of the service Trip
works for, but they do say Oorah a lot, so they could be
marines. Or is it Hooah which would make them
army. Or Hooyah which would be navy and coast
guard. That's neither here nor there either in the grand
of things. What is important is that
the strapping, Old Navy model Sgt. Oliver and his crazy
hardcore team of soldiers have been assigned to a Navy
Destroyer to get the president back, complicated by the fact
that he and the Admiral of this ship with the perpetual
mad-on, Jane Hansen (Linda Hamilton), have a checkered
history. Uh… that nonsense is going to have to wait
because for absolutely no reason we can discern, a bunch of
evil tentacles have surrounded this entire fleet of ships and
have started to indiscriminately stab seamen in the
chest. Not cool.
What are these things? For that we need
to talk to worm scientist Dr. Zimmen, played by Jamie
Kennedy. Mr. Kennedy looked like he seriously rolled out
of bed mere minutes before his set call, after an incredibly
difficult evening, just to be in this movie. Get some
rest brother. He says they are alien flat worms.
That what he said. Why is there a worm scientist on this
Navy Destroyer? Again, neither here nor there.
What about The President? We will get there eventually,
using the experimental Prometheus ship designed by Lt. Simmons
(pop star Mya), which can make it to the depths that The
President is submerged. The Prez should seriously be
dead at seven fathoms, but whatever. Still, we are
waiting to launch because The Angry Admiral says 'no'.
And the tentacles have attacked again. Sgt. Oliver
doesn't play by the rules so the team launches anyway.
The Admiral is pissed off. As usual. And the
tentacles have attacked again.
Eventually, after a lot of super suspect undersea CGI action,
our team makes it to the president… inside an underwater
canyon with topside atmosphere, seven fathoms beneath the
sea. I know, right? This just means our crew can
leave the sub pod and the one black guy on the team can
finally get to the business of dying. Took him long
enough. There are more tentacles to deal with down here
too. This is a film that doesn't short change you on
delivering on its title.
Yay! We've save The Prez! Not so fast my friends
because those tentacles, which have attacked again, are
attached to what only can be termed an Extinction Level
Event. Why it has chosen this moment in time to kill us
all when it's been under the sea for eons? Guess
what… that's neither here nor there. All you need to
know is that one strong chinned Coast Guard Sgt. and his
bazooka are going to save us all. Or most of us.
Oh… how I miss these movies. Ever since SyFy 'changed
direction' and have stopped giving us these awful movies twice
a month, with 'Bermuda Tentacles being, what I believe, their
first original picture in this year of 2014, there has been a
void in my life. Another issue is that my
well-constructed tolerance level has also dropped a bit.
You see… bad CGI, terrible acting, repetitive action and
nonsensical nonsense was something I had built up a tolerance
for, but because of the layoff, these things are now front and
center and mask all of the good that this movie has to offer.
The good? Linda Hamilton being pissed off all the
time. For this she came out of retirement. I guess
she was retired. Or the actors in the sub pretending to
be bounced around like an old episode of Star Trek, or the
incredibly detailed science talk that I couldn't make heads or
tails of, or the world's most adorable ensign played by some
actress named Angelique Cinelu. That girl has a
future. More goodness includes Mya simultaneously being
super cute while also showing the complete inability to
act. Same for Trevor Donovan who looks like he'd be more
at home being quarterback of the New England Patriots than
shooting bazookas at alien flat worms. Or the fact that
this movie was almost non-stop action, repetitive as it may
have been. Or The President taking charge and
IMMEDIATELY ordering for the nuke option. That's awesome
But alas all that goodness was almost lost on me because my
SyFy Original Movie resistance meter has atrophied. Now
bad acting, bad CGI and total nonsense is what it is… and that
makes me terribly sad.