Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
The President (John Savage) is on Air Force One, flying over the Bermuda Triangle about to get a haircut.  Where's Air Force One is coming from and where it is going is neither here nor there, because they will never tell us, but what is important is that he's about to get a haircut, because right now the President looks like a Woodstock hippie reject.  Apparently John Savage doesn't cut his hair for low budget crap movies.  This haircut won't happen because there's a frightful storm which takes out the plane, but one of The Prez's ace Secret Service men was able to get him in the Escape Pod before it was too late.  Does
Air Force One really have an escape pod?  I need to research this.  Now the President needs to be retrieved and that's what's gonna happen in this film 'Bermuda Tentacles', but not without some complications.

On the scene is hardcore Marine / Army / Navy / Coast Guard Sergeant Trip Oliver (Trevor Donovan).  I'm not sure which branch of the service Trip works for, but they do say Oorah a lot, so they could be marines.   Or is it Hooah which would make them army.  Or Hooyah which would be navy and coast guard.  That's neither here nor there either in the grand scheme
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of things.  What is important is that the strapping, Old Navy model Sgt. Oliver and his crazy hardcore team of soldiers have been assigned to a Navy Destroyer to get the president back, complicated by the fact that he and the Admiral of this ship with the perpetual mad-on, Jane Hansen (Linda Hamilton), have a checkered history.  Uh… that nonsense is going to have to wait because for absolutely no reason we can discern, a bunch of evil tentacles have surrounded this entire fleet of ships and have started to indiscriminately stab seamen in the chest.  Not cool.
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What are these things?  For that we need to talk to worm scientist Dr. Zimmen, played by Jamie Kennedy.  Mr. Kennedy looked like he seriously rolled out of bed mere minutes before his set call, after an incredibly difficult evening, just to be in this movie.  Get some rest brother.  He says they are alien flat worms.  That what he said.  Why is there a worm scientist on this Navy Destroyer?  Again, neither here nor there.

What about The President?  We will get there eventually, using the experimental Prometheus ship designed by Lt. Simmons (pop star Mya), which can make it to the depths that The President is submerged.  The Prez should seriously be dead at seven fathoms, but whatever.  Still, we are waiting to launch because The Angry Admiral says 'no'.  And the tentacles have attacked again.  Sgt. Oliver doesn't play by the rules so the team launches anyway.  The Admiral is pissed off.  As usual.  And the tentacles have attacked again.

Eventually, after a lot of super suspect undersea CGI action, our team makes it to the president… inside an underwater canyon with topside atmosphere, seven fathoms beneath the sea.  I know, right?  This just means our crew can leave the sub pod and the one black guy on the team can finally get to the business of dying.  Took him long enough.  There are more tentacles to deal with down here too.  This is a film that doesn't short change you on delivering on its title.

Yay!  We've save The Prez!  Not so fast my friends because those tentacles, which have attacked again, are attached to what only can be termed an Extinction Level Event.  Why it has chosen this moment in time to kill us all when it's been under the sea for eons?   Guess what… that's neither here nor there.  All you need to know is that one strong chinned Coast Guard Sgt. and his bazooka are going to save us all.  Or most of us. 

Oh… how I miss these movies.  Ever since SyFy 'changed direction' and have stopped giving us these awful movies twice a month, with 'Bermuda Tentacles being, what I believe, their first original picture in this year of 2014, there has been a void in my life.  Another issue is that my well-constructed tolerance level has also dropped a bit.  You see… bad CGI, terrible acting, repetitive action and nonsensical nonsense was something I had built up a tolerance for, but because of the layoff, these things are now front and center and mask all of the good that this movie has to offer.

The good?  Linda Hamilton being pissed off all the time.  For this she came out of retirement.  I guess she was retired.  Or the actors in the sub pretending to be bounced around like an old episode of Star Trek, or the incredibly detailed science talk that I couldn't make heads or tails of, or the world's most adorable ensign played by some actress named Angelique Cinelu.  That girl has a future.  More goodness includes Mya simultaneously being super cute while also showing the complete inability to act.  Same for Trevor Donovan who looks like he'd be more at home being quarterback of the New England Patriots than shooting bazookas at alien flat worms.  Or the fact that this movie was almost non-stop action, repetitive as it may have been.  Or The President taking charge and IMMEDIATELY ordering for the nuke option.  That's awesome right there. 

But alas all that goodness was almost lost on me because my SyFy Original Movie resistance meter has atrophied.  Now bad acting, bad CGI and total nonsense is what it is… and that makes me terribly sad. 
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