There is a significant gap in my efforts to
become a Seagal completist, these being the years between 2002
and 2004. Now I have seen the movies my man made during
this time, but I watched them before the FCU launched and as
such there are no reviews for them. That means I'd have
to watch them again. You understand now, don't
you? Nonetheless, eventually this has to be done because
I need my Seagalogy degree so I can put in on a resume.
Today we're starting with I think is the least offensive movie
Seagal made during this time period, 'Belly of the
Beast'. Another reason we chose this one is because one
of the stars is Sara Malukul Lane, who is showing up in a lot
of the other awful movies I've been watching recently.
Thirty year old Sara has grown a bit from the twenty year old
Sara in this movie, in a way that adult women usually don't
grow. 2003 Sara from this movie was a modest
A-cup. 2013 Sara is a heavy C, maybe a light D. Is
this information relevant to anything to do with this
movie? No it is not. Just letting you know I've
done the research.
Our film starts with Seagal and his partner Sunti, as played
by the awesome Byron Mann, on a CIA op. As we've stated,
since Steve doesn't play characters we don't use his
characters name, but he does have one. The op goes
wrong, the action is fierce and this is our first intro to the
true star of this film, Steve's skinny stuntman. That
dude kicks ass. Unfortunately, Sunti kills an innocent
woman in the fracas, and he's saddened forever. He
killed her because water was in his eye and he couldn't tell
if she was friend or foe. He could've easily wiped his
eyes, but whatever.
Fast forward ten years where Seagal,
now out of the CIA game, now just does side work for the
government. This is the movies best scene if only
because when it starts, we observe some super athletic guy
scaling walls, walking on planks, and doing double flips to
the ground and I was
curious who this ninja was, then director
Siu-Tung Ching cuts to a close up Seagal and I'm like
'Seriously? That's who that guy is supposed to
be?' That two minute sequence, all by itself, is a quick
primer on the entirety of Steve Seagal's post 2001 film
career.
Anyway Seagal makes it back home, gives his CIA handler the
thing he just stole, who then, basically in passing, tells
Seagal that his adult daughter Jessica (Lane) has been
Taken! Yup, almost a decade before Liam Neeson, as the
man with the special set of skills rescued his daughter from
crazies, Steven Seagal had been there and done that!
Anyway, this news upsets Seagal so bad, he now looks like he
has to take a shit. Oh wait, he looks like that all the
time. But I'm sure he's upset.
So Steve takes the redeye to Thailand and he's there all of
about fifteen minutes before his stuntman has to kick some
ass. Then he makes a quick trip to the Buddhist
Monastery where his old friend Sunti has been practicing peace
and spiritual reclamation with these two men lovingly holding
hands, and he tells him that his daughter has been kidnapped
and he doesn't want his help. That's crazy talk of
course because Sunti says "I really need to die at the end of
this movie in a glorious and sacrificial way, so I'm gonna
help you man! Besides, I've been looking forward to
fighting side by side with your stuntman." Sunti totally
said that.
So Sunti and Seagal are on the case. There's a hot chick
in the mix as well who is in crazy lust with Seagal.
They have a love scene in typical Steven Seagal fashion, he
being fully dressed and groping and her nearly naked.
This actress didn't sign the nudity waiver though. The other
one did however, the one with the secret message on her
titties. I'm thinking a Post-It would've worked just as
well, but I guess a naked woman with great breasts who has to
cascade herself with running water to reveal the message works
too.
We should also mention the bad guy, General Jantapan (Tom Wu),
who is cut from stone, moves like the wind, has mad skills and
even has evil voodoo on his side. Is that going to stop
him from getting his ass totally eviscerated by the Stunt
Man? No it is not. Action, action and more action
will ensue. Seriously.
You want action? Dude, 'Belly of the Beast' has more
action than you can shake a stick at. And if you get
into a fight with Seagal in this movie, try to make sure
there's nothing nearby that can shatter because you will be
flying into that shattering prop early and often. Sure,
the Stunt Man or Seagal's magical Sleight of Hand technique
could've thrown you into a wall, but why do that when there
are glass tables, glass cabinets, glass hanging lights and
other glass ornaments to toss you into.
Is 'Belly of the Beast' a good movie? Of course it's
not. Steve is still an awful actor, and there were times
when he said his lines that I really could've used some
subtitles. The narrative was choppy and nonsensical and
the Fat Steve / Skinny Stuntman transitions were
discombobulating. But when you remember we've seen
'Today You Die', 'Submerged', 'Attack Force' and others which
will come later… 'Belly of the Beast' is pure cinematic
genius. Plus it has Byron Mann in it, who will show up a
decade later in Seagal's 'A Dangerous Man' as his enemy, but
suffer the same fate that Byron Mann as his friend
experienced. The only difference being that Byron Mann
in this movie, when he held Seagal's had, actually landed
bigger blows against him than he did as his mortal
enemy.
The sad part is that 'Belly of the Beast' is over. Which
means 'The Foreigner' and 'Out for a Kill' are next.
Damn. Do I really need that degree that bad? Yes I
do my friends, yes I do.
