Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Two secret agents are on a mountain somewhere in beautiful British Columbia trying to isolate the singularity event within the shifting tectonic fissures of this mountain. Did that sound scientifical enough for you? Cool. One of these agents is kind of hot (Martha Regis), she’s Black and soon she’s attacked by an evil burst of CO2 steam. Now she’s dead. Sometimes when watching these kinds of movies it becomes nerve wracking waiting for the black person to die, but this movie had the common decency to get that out of the way in the first thirty seconds which put our minds at ease. The other secret agent attempts flee from the evil bursts of steam shooting up from the possessed mountain, but fleeing from evil steam is not all that easy and this agent is crushed by some rocks which the evil steam coerced into falling on his ass. The case he’s carrying goes flying off somewhere. The case is very, very important. The movie is called ‘Behemoth’, it’s from our friends at RHI and Cinetel who are responsible for their ‘Man-eater’ series of movies and it’s also a Sci-Fi Channel original. Doomed from conception? Not from us my friends because we allow these things to develop organically at the quantum level.

Also tracking the mountain activity is beautiful scientist Dr. Emily (Pascale Hutton). The fissure points have been elevated to subatomic levels which everybody knows is a bad thing. She needs to investigate the commonalty of this event and so it’s back home to the great northwest and Ascension Point. There she runs into her ex-boyfriend Thomas (Ed Quinn). Thomas takes the term ‘rugged’ to the next level. Think The Marlboro Man only ten times ruggeder. Thomas is way taller than everybody else in this movie, has rugged razor stubble, wears a weather beaten sheepskin jacket with matching weather beaten Lugz and he looks serious all the damn time. Thomas is sad because he lost a friend on the mountain during an excavation job. Even Thomas’ job is rugged. This cat shouldn’t have died considering it was just a fractured leg. Evil CO2 Steam at work again! Oh, and Thomas is an ex-army Ranger, Green Beret, retired badass. Rugged.

Thomas’ nutjob of a father (William B. Davis) firmly believes the earth is striking back against all the bad we’ve done to it, and a monster will arise to bring back some

equilibrium. Hey, that’s what this loon believes. Thomas’ sister (Cindy Busby) thinks her old man is a nutjob, wishes like hell he’d stop talking to her and is going camping with her boyfriend. Another secret agent (Ty Olsson) is in town to retrieve the case and stop the singularity event. Also on board is the world’s most adorable diner waitress (Jessica Parker Kennedy) who will be freaking out early and often.

What is this singularity event? Apparently it’s a big monster in the mountain. Just so you know this is not a singularity event in the true definition a singularity event, considering I am well versed in the field of quantum theoretical futurism, this is nothing but a big monster on top of a mountain. But what does this monster want? Not much really, it just sits on top of the mountain and yells a lot. Singularity event my ass.

Of course ‘Behemoth’ isn’t a very good movie, mainly because there is way too much melodrama in this monster movie and the monster doesn’t really do anything except, as we mentioned, sit on top of the mountain and yell a lot which makes this one dull, slow moving monster movie. In fact the evil Carbon Dioxide gasses were far more oppressive than The Behemoth in this movie but when approaching these Saturday Night Specials our focus tends to be a little different. Yes, it would be fantastic if these movies were actually good, but since that’s relatively rare we look for nuggets of gold, or Easter Eggs as it were cleverly placed within these flawed narratives.

For instance the sister, who freaks out throughout the whole movie, and her boyfriend see an eight foot eyeball looking at them through the mountain. A normal person runs from the eight foot eyeball, but these wacky kids walk towards the eight foot eyeball and not until the eyeball tries to stomp them to death did they eventually flee in terror. We are told that this singularity event will change the course of history as we know it and theoretically end the world at the quantum level. Maybe we should send more than one out of shape soldier to deal with this. And the solution to deal with this singularity is to shoot it with a pimped out bazooka? And shouldn’t this government have another singularity dispatching rocket in inventory on the off chance that it gets lost or somebody misses the target? The monster is here in response to global warming and stuff like that. Translation? Global Warming can be cured by shooting it with a bazooka! Hell yeah.

Baby sister is upset at herself for ignoring her old man’s sage advice. This advice, before anybody knew that the Behemoth existed, was something like ‘dive in the mouth of the beast and strike like Ulysses to split its heart in two’. And he was looking like a complete whackjob when he was saying it. I forgive you for ignoring him baby sister. The super cute diner waitress chastises the whackjob old man for spouting off more of his monster tales. She says ‘You’re starting to freak me out!’ Note that before she utters this statement the little cutie has fainted, collapsed, screamed, convulsed, choked on her tongue and hyperventilated about six times. NOW she’s about to freak out.

It’s a Sci-Fi Original via RHI. Organically speaking ‘Behemoth’ is terrible. Absolutely terrible. But if you go lower, say at the quantum level, there is entertainment value here to be had. No sir, one shouldn’t have to search, dig and excavate for entertainment value in their movies, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.

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