Oh holy hell. One day my friends I’m gonna stop watching this stuff. I don’t know when that day is going to come… I mean I’m in my forties now and I’ve been sneaking movies like ‘Beast in Space’ to watch since I was twelve but one day… one day…
Welcome to The Federation. I think. Severin films who had the nuts to release ‘Beast in Space’ to the public has given us a movie that just might have the most suspect subtitling and voice dub I’ve ever seen. On more than one occasion characters mouths were moving, yet we could hear nothing, much less see the subtitles of these empty moving mouths. Those missing words could’ve been critical to the plot development of this film! Anyway, Federation Captain Larry Madison (Vassili Karis) is at the local pub to down a pint of his favorite beverage, that being Uranus Milk… seriously… when he sees the pretty woman sitting alone. Larry goes to get his pint of Uranus Milk when the lady is joined by the scurrilous Juan Cardoso (Vanantino Venantini). Larry Madison proceeds to kick Juan’s ass for no other reason than he sat down next to a woman that neither of them knew at the time. Mind you this didn’t seem like an offense that warranted an ass kicking but spending time with Larry Madison, we will learn that he has some anger management issues.
Regardless, Larry and this woman Sondra (Sirpa Lane) head on up to the room for some inspired coupling culminating with Sondra having a nightmare. She tells Larry of this nightmare, a tale that puts Larry… and me for that matter… to sleep.
Moving on, Captain Larry is dispatched to outer space by the Federation Honks to find Alantium. This is an awesome material that can power everything ever made and would make some killer weapons of mass destruction in the process. Captain Larry meets his crew, one of which happens to be Officer Sondra which makes Larry very, very happy. Oh if you could only see the costumes of the crew… priceless.
Off our crew goes into deep space when they run into the scurrilous Juan Cordoso once again who shoots his laser and disables the ship. Our crew tried to fight back but the lasers on their ship were not immediately available. In fact it took the machinations of an entire crew working in unison about three minutes, complete with a countdown, before they could even fire one lousy laser blast. Worst Spaceship Ever.
Our crew lands on this planet with part of the crew doing some exploring while two others stay back and work on repairs. Just so you know the explorers consisted of Larry, three hot chicks, and some dude. First our crew is attacked by a goofy robot. Then our crew is horrified by two horses having sex. They watched this forever. Sondra notices her surroundings are the same as her stupid ass nightmare. Captain Larry requests that Sondra shut the fuck up. Eventually they make it to some castle / maze, are drugged, reacquire consciousness wearing funny clothes, meet a weird dude in glorious robe (nightmare again) and engage in an orgy. He explains the planet is run by a crazy, ancient, broken down computer and this computer is hording the Alantium. Juan Cordoso is on the planet as well. We don’t know why.
About that nightmare, it only becomes a nightmare during the orgy portion of the dream and Sondra doesn’t really know why since she knows she likes to screw as much as anybody ever. Well, know she knows. The weird dude is actually half Minotaur or something and is possession of a three foot prosthetic penis and he’s horny as hell. For no reason other than the filmmakers are Italian and this what they did back then, hardcore sex inserts involving nobody in the cast are stuck in. Except for the three foot prosthetic penis, that was an actual cast member used in the hardcore inserts.
Anyway, Juan convinces Larry they are being drugged, they then proceed to un-drug the rest of the crew, except for Sondra. No, they decide that Sondra is doing a fine job keeping the weird half horse dude distracted, so they allow him to keep raping her while they find a way off the planet. A glorious shootout will occur with flashlights, Larry will engage an inspired light saber battle with some gold covered Partridge Family rejects and I think Sonja goes from getting raped by a horse-man to getting raped by a robot. Poor Sondra. Observe that at no point during the escape did Larry even think about going back to try to rescue Sondra. Who was being raped by the half horse man with a three foot penis and a robot. Roll credits.
Who am I kidding? I could never stop watching glorious cinema like that presented to us in ‘Beast in Space’. There is absolutely nothing socially redeeming in this film, the sets and costumes are hilarious and it is sleazy beyond all recognized social and moral parameters. Uranus Milk? Seriously? There’s really nothing more to say really except to mention that there were deleted scenes.
My hands were shaking as I held the remote and I knew I shouldn’t click on the deleted scenes option because what could they have possibly deleted that they didn’t show already? Well my friends, if you ever wanted to see a money shot from a prosthetic penis, here you go. Lesson learned… don’t click on the ‘deleted scenes’ option of sleazy Italian sex romp DVD’s. Outstanding.