I tried to call it. After the truly
awful 'Shark Week' I said to myself… 'Chris, you will watch no
more low budget shark movies'. And at the time, I meant
it too! But who are we kidding? If we stop
watching low budget shark movies then that effectively removes
about 40% of the low budget horror / monster movies from our
movie watching equation, and we can't have that. Plus
there's a second Sharknado coming, so here we are. We've
seen sharks in Malibu, Venice… we've seen sharks fly, walk…
we've seen them in sand, we've seen them with two heads, we've
seen them with octopus tentacles, we've them as ghosts… but
today we get to see them in snow. Snow Sharks. Or
'Avalanche Sharks' as the title says. And it's
terrible. And I wish I had the stones to keep my own
promises to myself.
Some dude is on a mountain launching explosives for reason I
can't begin to tell you. He knocks over some Native
American totems, which result in sharks appearing in the snow
and eating a pair of snow boarders.
Moving along, we will now focus on two attractive young ladies
prepping for a trip to this mountain resort. Not quite
sure why we are focusing on them. You see, usually these
things introduce us to the final girl but these two are going
to be eaten, I think, so getting to know them was kind of
counterproductive. The reason I'm not sure they will be
eaten is because they cast a lot of thin, pale, but attractive
blondes in this movie, shot against white snow, so I kind of
had trouble discerning one from the other is all I'm
saying.
But I do recognize the Final Boy in this film in Wade the
Marine (Alexander Mendeluk) who is looking for his brother who
happens to be one of the dead snowboarders. He's looking
for his brother with his girlfriend who happens to be one of
the thin, pale blondes and as such I'm not sure what her real
name is. The town loon is running through this resort
telling everybody that the chibichuk, or whatever the hell he
named these sharks, is going to kill everybody, but does
anybody believe him? Of course not, because he's the
town loon. How come sane people never run around
spouting off this crazy stuff?
Eventually, Wade and his girl actually see
the Snow Sharks in action, so they tell the sheriff and his
pale, thin, blond wife who happens to know a thing about this
snow shark because they ate her parents when she was
kid. Plus she's a marine biologist. Who is
stationed on a snowy mountain nowhere near any kind of
water.
What needs to happen is that the people need to be warned and
evacuated, but of course since it's a shark movie the local
economy is FAR more important than saving lives so the Mayor
and the Resort Owner (Benjamin Easterday) keep the place open
while the chibichuk, a remnant of the Native American's
retribution against the WHITE MAN, rains hell on these
snowboarders. Never did figure out why the shaman
chose sharks as opposed to a beast that appears naturally in
these parts.
How does one defeat an Avalanche Shark? One doesn't
really. Just hope for some random obsessive compulsive
to wander about and fix what was knocked down I guess.
The easy thing to do would be to crap on this movie 'Avalanche
Sharks', but we're not going to do that, even though as we
mentioned earlier, the movie is pretty awful. No ma'am,
we are going to tell you what's good about this movie because
there's already enough negativity in this world.
While there's no nudity in this movie, there are lots of young
ladies who wear bikini's, which you would normally think
wouldn't happen in a movie that takes place in the snow.
If you find anybody in this movie annoying in any way, shape
or form… don't worry… chances are they will be eaten by a snow
shark. The pale blonde whose parents got eaten by the
snow sharks had a drawing she made of that horrific event as a
seven year old, in which she showed some real artistic
talent. Her current husband got eaten by the sharks in
this movie as well, which means this woman probably has a
serious cross to bear when it comes to snow sharks.
Let's see… what else… snow sharks are super violent and have
voracious appetites, and of the twenty or so shark attack
movies on this site, 'Avalanche Sharks' is better than at
least four of them. So while you might translate that
into meaning this is the fifth worst shark attack movie on
this site, we prefer to see it as the sixteenth best.
How about that for positivity… 'Avalanche Sharks' is the
sixteenth best bad shark attack movie, of the ones I've seen,
ever made! Somebody put that on a box cover.
