Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
I tried to call it.  After the truly awful 'Shark Week' I said to myself… 'Chris, you will watch no more low budget shark movies'.  And at the time, I meant it too!  But who are we kidding?  If we stop watching low budget shark movies then that effectively removes about 40% of the low budget horror / monster movies from our movie watching equation, and we can't have that.  Plus there's a second Sharknado coming, so here we are.  We've seen sharks in Malibu, Venice… we've seen sharks fly, walk… we've seen them in sand, we've seen them with two heads, we've seen them with octopus tentacles, we've them as ghosts… but today we get to see them in snow.  Snow Sharks.  Or 'Avalanche Sharks' as the title says.  And it's terrible.  And I wish I had the stones to keep my own promises to myself. 

Some dude is on a mountain launching explosives for reason I can't begin to tell you.  He knocks over some Native American totems, which result in sharks appearing in the snow and eating a pair of snow boarders. 

Moving along, we will now focus on two attractive young ladies prepping for a trip to this mountain resort.  Not quite sure why we are focusing on them.  You see, usually these things introduce us to the final girl but these two are going to be eaten, I think, so getting to know them was kind of counterproductive.  The reason I'm not sure they will be eaten is because they cast a lot of thin, pale, but attractive blondes in this movie, shot against white snow, so I kind of had trouble discerning one from the other is all I'm saying. 

But I do recognize the Final Boy in this film in Wade the Marine (Alexander Mendeluk) who is looking for his brother who happens to be one of the dead snowboarders.  He's looking for his brother with his girlfriend who happens to be one of the thin, pale blondes and as such I'm not sure what her real name is.  The town loon is running through this resort telling everybody that the chibichuk, or whatever the hell he named these sharks, is going to kill everybody, but does anybody believe him?  Of course not, because he's the town loon.  How come sane people never run around spouting off this crazy stuff?
Back to the FCU
Let Chris know how Wrong He Is
Don't Be Square...
Like Totally Twisted Flix!

Eventually, Wade and his girl actually see the Snow Sharks in action, so they tell the sheriff and his pale, thin, blond wife who happens to know a thing about this snow shark because they ate her parents when she was kid.  Plus she's a marine biologist.  Who is stationed on a snowy mountain nowhere near any kind of water. 

What needs to happen is that the people need to be warned and evacuated, but of course since it's a shark movie the local economy is FAR more important than saving lives so the Mayor and the Resort Owner (Benjamin Easterday) keep the place open while the chibichuk, a remnant of the Native American's retribution against the WHITE MAN, rains hell on these snowboarders.   Never did figure out why the shaman chose sharks as opposed to a beast that appears naturally in these parts. 

How does one defeat an Avalanche Shark?  One doesn't really.  Just hope for some random obsessive compulsive to wander about and fix what was knocked down I guess. 

The easy thing to do would be to crap on this movie 'Avalanche Sharks', but we're not going to do that, even though as we mentioned earlier, the movie is pretty awful.  No ma'am, we are going to tell you what's good about this movie because there's already enough negativity in this world.

While there's no nudity in this movie, there are lots of young ladies who wear bikini's, which you would normally think wouldn't happen in a movie that takes place in the snow.  If you find anybody in this movie annoying in any way, shape or form… don't worry… chances are they will be eaten by a snow shark.  The pale blonde whose parents got eaten by the snow sharks had a drawing she made of that horrific event as a seven year old, in which she showed some real artistic talent.  Her current husband got eaten by the sharks in this movie as well, which means this woman probably has a serious cross to bear when it comes to snow sharks.  Let's see… what else… snow sharks are super violent and have voracious appetites, and of the twenty or so shark attack movies on this site, 'Avalanche Sharks' is better than at least four of them.  So while you might translate that into meaning this is the fifth worst shark attack movie on this site, we prefer to see it as the sixteenth best.  How about that for positivity… 'Avalanche Sharks' is the sixteenth best bad shark attack movie, of the ones I've seen, ever made!  Somebody put that on a box cover.
Real Time Web