Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

People sure can take the strangest things personal. While doing my little research on this zombie flick ‘Automaton Transfusion’, a title that I have yet to figure the meaning of, I run across various Internet forums in which people discuss this low bud horror movie. Passionate would a word to describe these persons feelings. I’m almost afraid to tell you that I didn’t care for the movie all that much because the people that luuuuuvvvv this movie might find out where I live and burn my house down, and the people who haaaaaaate this movie, upset that I didn’t dislike it nearly enough, will burn down my detached garage since the Automaton lovers have already torched my home.

We have an issue with this movie from like the very first scene. Some intern is cleaning up at the morgue of one Dr. Swartz (Kevin J. O’neil) and from one of those metal slab doors that they pack the stiffs in, this clown hears some knocking. We’ve established on numerous occasions that I’m not the smartest cat in the world but if I hear rustling from a place where I KNOW somebody’s supposed to be dead, I’m not opening that door. Perhaps we could assume that it was a mistake and dude’s not really dead, but considering we just saw my man all f’d up with holes in his head, it’s a given that he shouldn’t be making noises in his slab. Allow me to reiterate, I’m not opening the door. We could actually discuss the logic of this lunacy during the entire length of this little article. Dead folks ain’t supposed to be knocking on doors. Regardless, my man opens the door and what usually befalls people who open doors that encase active dead people befalls this dude in the worst way.

Over the horizon we see high school kids, which in horror movies is a euphemism for death and unprotected sex. Yet another issue pops up as a school teacher wheels some zombie infected teen into the infirmary amidst a growing crowd of teenagers. The teacher then is quickly wheeled out of the infirmary with blood gushing from his neck,

screaming like a bitch as our kiddies eyes follow where he is being wheeled. Children, the concern is not where he’s going but where he came from because whatever chewed his neck up is… Yeah, coming out of the infirmary. Now despite the fact that a crazed maniacal blood thirsty zombie just ran out of the nurses office after killing the history teacher, life goes on as this is apparently a fairly normal occurrence in this little town as our randy teens are getting ready for a blow out house party later that evening. I should also mention that it’s MONDAY, so you gotta love kids who throw booze infused sex laden house parties on school nights.

Anyway our characters of interest are hero boy Christopher (Garret Jones), his cheerleader girlfriend Jackie (Juliet Reeves), Scott the Black Guy (William Howard Bowman) and pudgy funny guy Tim (Rowan Bousaid) who also gets to be the ‘WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE’ guy in this movie. Eventually the whole town is overrun by these zombies who are half human flesh eaters and half Carl Lewis, leaving our last remaining teenagers to get to the bottom of this mess… but wait… there is reason for this horrific event and it can be summed up in two words. Gub. Ment. Will our hero boy and final girl make it? Because we can pretty much bank on the Black Guy and the ‘WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE’ guy being zombie vittles. Well, you’re going to have to wait for that answer. Seriously. You’re going to have to wait a real long time to find the answer out to that one.

It’s a zombie movie so what else is there to know? One more issue though. Chris and his girl Jackie are getting ready to screw in his car, right before Social Studies no less, and Chris has gotten her cheerleader costume and brassiere off and is palming her ass when he all of the sudden stops to discuss what their plans are for the evening. Is there a seventeen year old boy in the history of the earth that would actually do something like that? Is there a 70 year old man in the history of the earth that would actually do something like that? You would think dinner plans could wait. Anyway, ‘Automaton Transfusion’, whatever the hell that means, isn’t so bad where it’s unwatchable but the shakiness of the camera did tend to get on a nerve and though I try to avoid talking to the TV when watching movies, I found myself and my television having some intense conversations almost through the entire length of this thing due the intense stupidity of the various zombie fodder in this movie.

Word is writer / director Stephen C. Miller shot this thing in nine days for 30g, which is admirable, but ultimately nobody cares what it cost and how long it took to shoot, just if they saw a good movie or not and ‘Automaton Transfusion’, whatever that means, just isn’t all that good. It simply doesn’t move fast enough for you ignore that silliness of it all, like kiddies who get their limbs chewed off only through zombie magic to have their arms and legs grow back to chase down the living. And who taught those zombies how to eat ‘cause they sure did leave a lot meat on those bones. We’re not even going to talk about the ending. If you like zombie movies then by all means, pick it up. Still wondering what kind of man stops sex with a hot cheerleader to discuss dinner plans. Still wondering.