I’m about to make a powerful, declarative statement here people, so listen to what I’m about to say.  ‘Attack Force’ is Steven Seagal’s worst movie ever.  I know, I know…  How can I make such a bold statement, you must be asking yourself.  This would be akin to saying that Ho Ho’s are the best confection ever, leaving the Twinkie and Little Debbie crowd in an uproar.  Or saying the ’85 Bears are the greatest Superbowl team ever, leaving ’72 Dolphin fans and ’78 Steeler fans seeing red.  By saying that ‘Attack Force’ is the worst Steven Seagal movie ever, that would actually mean that this film is worse than ‘Shadow Man’, ‘Submerged’, ‘Today You Die’, ‘The Foreigner’ ‘Half Past Dead’ or ‘On Deadly Ground’.  Yup, that’s would be what that statement would mean.  You think to yourself, knowing that you hated ‘Submerged’ so much that it made you shake in disgust, ‘It can’t be worse than that!’  Sadly friend, and you can take this to the bank, it’s worse than ‘Submerged’.  I will even go so far as to say not only is ‘Attack Force’ the worst movie that Steven Seagal has ever made, it’s also the worst movie he will EVER make.  Mind you, dude has another four movies just waiting in the wings to assault us with, including one tentatively titled ‘Prince of Pistols’ which Seagal will also direct, and I’m saying that THAT movie will be better than ‘Attack Force’.

Seagal plays Marshall Lawson, and we will not refer to the character anymore because Seagal doesn’t do characters, he does Seagal.  Even the worst actors, say like Van Damme, show subtle differences from one character to the next, though they may be imperceptible to the untrained eye, they are there.  Not Seagal. He does Seagal, and nothing else.  One character is no happier than the next, fights no better than the next, emotes no more than the next, because they are all the same.  The movie

starts with some bad guys attacking a lab or something.  There is a shootout, a chase scene, and a lame hand to hand combat scene in which Seagal waves his arms around in slow mo closeups and then the guy falls down.  Next we meet a crack team of Seagals recruits.  There is some big operation going on, but they want to get their party on first.  Seagal and his right hand man Dwayne (Darryl Kennedy) tell them to have a good time, because they don’t know what they are in for.  Nobody knows actually, even the screenwriters.  These cats go to some French strip club and pick up some French chick who’s high on this drug called CBT or something, I can’t rightly remember.  CBT makes you feel good, but it also turns you into a killing machine with eyes that blink sideways (seriously) and blades that magically appear from your arms.  The French Chick slaughters these three recruits in their hotel room.  When Seagal and Dwayne come back to the hotel room, they see bloody footprints, blood splatter all over the walls and three dudes gutted on the floor prompting Seagal to say ‘something bad happened here.’  You THINK?  I’d like to know what he’s basing that on.

The ‘story’ then introduces us to Seagal’s girlfriend / slash biochemist Tia, a smarmy british biochemist named Rupert, or something, I can’t rightly remember anymore.  There is a guvment coverup, CBT infested citizens, A Russian femme fatale, a dirty French cop, and more.  None of it ever begins to mesh or make any sense.

This flick takes stupid to an all new level.  When our heroes arrest the smarmy British scientist named Rupert or something, they quiz him on what CBT is.  He tells Sgt. Dwayne, quite clearly, it’s a super drug that gives people super strength, makes them crazy, and causes them to kill indiscriminately.  So Sgt. Dwayne holds up a bottle and sneers ‘what would happen if I gave it to you, huh?’   Well Dwayne, it will probably give him super strength, make him crazy and make him kill everybody.  But that’s just me thinking out loud.  He shoots him up with the junk, thus giving Rupert, or something, super strength, making him crazy and he ends up killing almost everyone.  And his eyes blink sideways (seriously).

Ah but Master Seagal.  I was telling a buddy about ‘Attack Force’ and he asked ‘Seagal is still making movies?  Ain’t he about 90?’  I corrected him of course, he’s not close to 90.  He looks 90 and moves like he’s 90 but he’s actually in his mid sixties.  Problems with Seagal start with his weight.  He’s ballooned up to a good 280 I’d say, which is cool if you’re a defensive tackle for the Packers.  Otherwise, not so cool.  As such, he wears black.  A lot of black.  Steve, black can only slim you down so much.  Since he’s bloated up, he can barely move.  I’m serious when I say this as there was scene where he had to rise from a chair. First we get a close up of Seagal making the motion to rise, but then they cut away to a shot cutting of the head of the guy who actually got out of the chair.  Steve can’t even get out a chair without help.  And then there are the fight scenes.  Lots of slow-Mo, lots of close ups of Steve who is sporting fashionable double chins, lots of waving arms and lots of black.   It sucks, but damn if it ain’t funny. 

I don’t know who Michael Kuesh is and why he gets to direct all of these awful films by Mr. Seagal (a total of six of them) but he’s not good. Trust me when I tell you that this confusing mess is the worst Seagal has even done and he has finally hit the bottom of the barrel.  If he does make a movie worst than this, then that would mean that there is a number lower than absolute zero, and THAT would mean the end of the world.  So for the sake of humanity Mr. Seagal, please don’t do it.