Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
I've been threatening to do it for the better part of a decade, but one day I'm gonna do it… I'm going to launch the FCU Straight to DVD / VOD Awards Spectacular!  We'd have all kinds of awesome categories too, not just the common ones, but stuff like Most Gratuitous Nude Scene in a DTV movie, or the Hottest Guy a Straight Dude would think about dating if he was gay for a day… nonsense like that.  I mention the awards because this movie 'Asteroid vs. Earth' would easily be in the running for most Scientific Talkity-Talk in a pseudo Scientific Movie.  From the time this movie starts, to the time it ends, this movie… which is awful of course… just wanted to get that out of the way… spouts the mumbo jumbo fast and furious and incessantly.  Just as a side note, this is not an award you really want your movie to win.

Evan the Junior Astronomer (Charles Byun) has just observed a big old asteroid heading straight for the Earth.  He calls his boss… she does nothing… but no worries because the NSA is heading up the stairs of this observatory carrying guns ready to set it off.  Personally, automatic rifles to get into an observatory seems a bit overkill, but if 'Asteroid vs. Earth' has taught me anything, it's that the armed services doesn't do anything unless they have their rifles out. 

Case in point, General Masterson (Robert Davi) is at home minding his own business when he notices a storm.  The asteroid is causing this by the way.  His assistant Major Sera (Malik McCall) is on his way to secure the General to take control of the situation.  He could've called, but no, Major Sera kicks down the generals door and pulls out his gun.  Again… probably unnecessary.

Then we travel to the local bar where Commander Chase (Jason Brooks) is putting the moves on the sexy hydrologist Dr. Knox (Tia Carrere), where they talk fancy science talk, which leads to someone looking like they might get lucky this evening, but alas the commander and the doctor are needed for this oncoming event.  Did the marines politely ask the Doctor and the commander to come along?  No they didn't, they pulled their rifles on them.  Jeez. 
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The situation is that the meteor, when it hits, is going to end life on earth as we know it.  We could nuke it, but we know that never works, mainly because the junior astronomer said it wouldn't.  But he has a better use for the nukes.  Place these nukes in certain crevices, blow them up, which will move the earth off its orbit, out of harms way.  Sure… why the hell not.

So our heroes jump on the submarine of one Captain Rogers (Tim Russ) to try to find a nice crevice to drop some nukes.  Our sexy hydrologist is apparently a deep sea crevice expert and hell if I know why Commander Chase is on board.  On the surface all hell is breaking loose as meteor fragments are causing a ruckus, and quite honestly, looking at the amazingly incompetent, albeit fancy talking sub crew it looks like the Earth will be lost.  It will eventually be up to gay Lt. Rudy (Wade F. Wilson) to make the ultimate sacrifice to save us all.  Even though I don't think this ultimate sacrifice was completely necessary.  And yes, Rudy is gay.  They kept telling us this.  We didn't ask, but they told us anyway. 

Directed by Christopher Ray, 'Asteroid vs. Earth' is about typical for these Asylum disaster movies we see, which ultimately means its terrible, but when weighed against their competition… which consists of other Asylum movies… it's about average.  Yes the science is ridiculous, but it's SO ridiculous that it really didn't need to make sense.  So, getting the Earth of it's orbit will kill half the planet… cool, we're over populated anyway.  The fact enemy subs are trying to blow up the one sub that's trying to save the planet… cool, a nations defense shouldn't go to sleep just because of extinction.  Carrying nukes in the back of a Jeep Liberty, hoping they don't bounce around and explode… cool, because where you thought nukes needed triggers, all they really need is good bounce and some heat.  And when you get to a scene were our heroes have to blow up the sub in order to save the sub, again, why the hell not.  

The performances are actually better than average too, Tia Carrere bringing the ancient sexy and the majority of the fake talk, Robert Davi might look like death warmed over but Tim Russ was bringing his trademark earnest seriousness.  I wonder has this cat ever been in a comedy.  I need to search that out.  But most of the solid acting was delivered by the young cast of unknowns like Charles Byun and Wade Wilson.  I would say they might get lucky and become Asylum regulars, but I'm sure they have higher goals than that.

But alas, as we have seen in most of Christopher Ray's films… my man just isn't much of a film director.  Scenes drag on too long, pacing is off kilter, there doesn't seem to be any order to anything going on before us, and despite the plethora of action we still ended up nodding off every once in a while.  We do appreciate, however, as Mr. Ray is an armed services vet, that he does take care to make sure that the army people wear the right kind of uniforms and insignia.  Thanks for that at least.

Look, if you don't regularly watch this type of junk, 'Earth vs. Asteroid' isn't going to bring you into the fold.  If you do, it's about par for the course.  Acceptable terribleness.  Tell me that's not a box cover quotable statement.
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