I've been threatening to do it for the better
part of a decade, but one day I'm gonna do it… I'm going to
launch the FCU Straight to DVD / VOD Awards Spectacular!
We'd have all kinds of awesome categories too, not just the
common ones, but stuff like Most Gratuitous Nude Scene in a
DTV movie, or the Hottest Guy a Straight Dude would think
about dating if he was gay for a day… nonsense like
that. I mention the awards because this movie 'Asteroid
vs. Earth' would easily be in the running for most Scientific
Talkity-Talk in a pseudo Scientific Movie. From the time
this movie starts, to the time it ends, this movie… which is
awful of course… just wanted to get that out of the way…
spouts the mumbo jumbo fast and furious and incessantly.
Just as a side note, this is not an award you really want your
movie to win.
Evan the Junior Astronomer (Charles Byun) has just observed a
big old asteroid heading straight for the Earth. He
calls his boss… she does nothing… but no worries because the
NSA is heading up the stairs of this observatory carrying guns
ready to set it off. Personally, automatic rifles to get
into an observatory seems a bit overkill, but if 'Asteroid vs.
Earth' has taught me anything, it's that the armed services
doesn't do anything unless they have their rifles out.
Case in point, General Masterson (Robert Davi) is at home
minding his own business when he notices a storm. The
asteroid is causing this by the way. His assistant Major
Sera (Malik McCall) is on his way to secure the General to
take control of the situation. He could've called, but
no, Major Sera kicks down the generals door and pulls out his
gun. Again… probably unnecessary.
Then we travel to the local bar where Commander Chase (Jason
Brooks) is putting the moves on the sexy hydrologist Dr. Knox
(Tia Carrere), where they talk fancy science talk, which leads
to someone looking like they might get lucky this evening, but
alas the commander and the doctor are needed for this oncoming
event. Did the marines politely ask the Doctor and the
commander to come along? No they didn't, they pulled
their rifles on them. Jeez.
The situation is that the meteor, when it
hits, is going to end life on earth as we know it. We
could nuke it, but we know that never works, mainly because
the junior astronomer said it wouldn't. But he has a
better use for the nukes. Place these nukes in certain
crevices, blow them up, which will move the earth off its
orbit, out of harms way. Sure… why the hell not.
So our heroes jump on the submarine of one Captain Rogers (Tim
Russ) to try to find a nice crevice to drop some nukes.
Our sexy hydrologist is apparently a deep sea crevice expert
and hell if I know why Commander Chase is on board. On
the surface all hell is breaking loose as meteor fragments are
causing a ruckus, and quite honestly, looking at the amazingly
incompetent, albeit fancy talking sub crew it looks like the
Earth will be lost. It will eventually be up to gay Lt.
Rudy (Wade F. Wilson) to make the ultimate sacrifice to save
us all. Even though I don't think this ultimate
sacrifice was completely necessary. And yes, Rudy is
gay. They kept telling us this. We didn't ask, but
they told us anyway.
Directed by Christopher Ray, 'Asteroid vs. Earth' is about
typical for these Asylum disaster movies we see, which
ultimately means its terrible, but when weighed against their
competition… which consists of other Asylum movies… it's about
average. Yes the science is ridiculous, but it's SO
ridiculous that it really didn't need to make sense. So,
getting the Earth of it's orbit will kill half the planet…
cool, we're over populated anyway. The fact enemy subs
are trying to blow up the one sub that's trying to save the
planet… cool, a nations defense shouldn't go to sleep just
because of extinction. Carrying nukes in the back of a
Jeep Liberty, hoping they don't bounce around and explode…
cool, because where you thought nukes needed triggers, all
they really need is good bounce and some heat. And when
you get to a scene were our heroes have to blow up the sub in
order to save the sub, again, why the hell not.
The performances are actually better than average too, Tia
Carrere bringing the ancient sexy and the majority of the fake
talk, Robert Davi might look like death warmed over but Tim
Russ was bringing his trademark earnest seriousness. I
wonder has this cat ever been in a comedy. I need to
search that out. But most of the solid acting was
delivered by the young cast of unknowns like Charles Byun and
Wade Wilson. I would say they might get lucky and become
Asylum regulars, but I'm sure they have higher goals than
that.
But alas, as we have seen in most of Christopher Ray's films…
my man just isn't much of a film director. Scenes drag
on too long, pacing is off kilter, there doesn't seem to be
any order to anything going on before us, and despite the
plethora of action we still ended up nodding off every once in
a while. We do appreciate, however, as Mr. Ray is an
armed services vet, that he does take care to make sure that
the army people wear the right kind of uniforms and
insignia. Thanks for that at least.
Look, if you don't regularly watch this type of junk, 'Earth
vs. Asteroid' isn't going to bring you into the fold. If
you do, it's about par for the course. Acceptable
terribleness. Tell me that's not a box cover quotable
statement.
