American Horror House

earlier was killed by her dead music teacher Miss Pena (Isabel Cueva). It is possible that Miss Pena killed Marylynn because she didn't come close to effectively fake playing the violin, but that's just a guess. There's the dead Girl Scout, the dead handyman, the dead family and worst still is that when these dead people kill somebody, the dead people come right back to kill more live people. Not cool. More on Marylynn, her family has dispatched the most awesome private eye, Detective Hammond (Gralen Bryant Banks), to find her. What makes Detective Hammond awesome is not his detective skills, which to be honest are kind of lousy... but his attire. With his skinny tie, faux Members Only jacket with the rolled up sleeves and cream colored double pleated Hagar's… man… it was like 1982 all over again when folks could walk outside looking like that and not be embarrassed. Too bad this was the year 2012.

Somehow Miss Margot is behind all of this, though we don't know why. Yes we do. I think this was supposed to be a mystery or something, but we totally know why Miss Margot is doing all of this. Plus the college fun event is coming to Alpha Beta Zeta and Miss Morgan hates college kids an awful lot. It's going to be up to the saucy Daria to save these college kids. Not that anybody's going to miss them if and when they do keel over because nobody really missed the dead handyman, music teacher, Girl Scout, the dead real estate agent or any of the litany of dead people that's disappeared at or around this house.

We're kind of in a quandary about 'American Horror House'. Yes, it is fairly awful, this almost goes without saying, but it wasn't completely devoid of some entertainment value. But the quandary is that this movie didn't feel like a SyFy Original, like it just didn't belong on the Most Dangerous Night on Television. On one hand it felt like Hallmark or The Lifetime Channel attempting horror considering how brightly lit everything is and all of the pretty girls bonding in a female way, but in another world this could've been Cinemax's answer to a horror movie with the majority of the fit young women in this movie just a stitch or two away from being completely naked. Ultimately it was nobody doing horror because it wasn't all that scary or suspenseful, but at least there was some good gore for those of you who like that kind of thing. Does anybody know why I'm allowed to witness a coke bottle get brutally jammed into somebody's eye socket on regular TV but I'm not allowed to see a titty? Anybody?

It's pretty clear that there was a fun factor that went into 'American Horror House' considering Detective Hammond's attire, Morgan Fairchild chewing scenery like juicy fruit and a murderous stuffed mascot, and we also appreciated the old school low budget special effects the director went for as opposed to cheesy CGI which is never recommended and all of this added to this film being… if not completely entertaining… but at least tolerable.

No doubt, the movie was oddly paced and did tend to drag, the story is erratic at best, often feeling like it's making itself up as it goes along, the acting was a little suspect but the director made it a point to show somebody in their underwear early and often to keep us from focusing on that other stuff. There were also all kinds of oddities in this movie that, if taken seriously, would cause one to question ones sanity. If I pull out your tongue, all of your internal organs probably shouldn't spill out on the floor. I'm thinking that shouldn't happen. And if the punch is poisoned, dump the punch. Don't ask drunk people not to drink the alcoholic infused poison punch. That's just me though. And missing people in Louisiana are obviously as common as missing crawfish.

Hey, It's a SyFy original, it's fairly awful and some unknown force makes us watches these things so we make the best of it. What are you going to do?