The movie is called ‘Alien vs. Ninja’. And would you believe that this is what this movie is about, plain and simple, aliens engaged in fisticuffs with ninja. And also, to be honest with you, this is a film that really doesn’t go much deeper than that. For a simple man with simple needs, this was enough for me.
Our film opens in feudal Japan where super tough ninja warriors Yamata (Masanori Mimoto), Jinnae (Shuji Kashiwabara) and cowardly comic relief ninja Neuzumi (Donpei Tsuchihira) have just come back from an explosive mission and have some rival ninja hot on their heels. Yamata, the badass in residence, sends his colleagues away while he handles his ninja business in spectacular fashion. Then he sees the flaming comet streaking in the sky.
On the other side of the woods fellow ninja Rin (Mika Hijii) and her crew are coming back from a more mundane mission when they too see the streaking comet in the sky which lands on the ground and shakes the earth. What in the world is in this comet?
Duh… it’s an alien. No sooner than our three ninja return from their previous mission does their sensei send them right back out to investigate the disturbance. They eventually meet up with Rin and her crew and after some inappropriate sexual innuendo is tossed Rin’s way from Yamata the Pig, our ninja our attacked! They are attacked from beneath the earth, from the trees, from the left and from the right. So ruthless and brutal and bloody is this attack that our surviving ninja have no choice but the run, a prospect which turns Yamata’s stomach. Did we mention that he is the badass in residence?
Now in full retreat mode, our heroes recognize that they are dealing with a monster, a creature that possess all of their skill to the tenth degree, and as they will soon learn, possesses the added ability to reattach dismembered limbs. That sucks. But these are ninja and they are tough and they lay a trap for these aliens which results in some
serious alien ass kicking. There were more losses during the melee, such as my man getting ripped clean in two and then getting his skull stomped on like a watermelon into the dirt. Even though he was dead and didn’t feel any of that, but it was still plenty gruesome.
However there’s still one alien left and it’s the mother all aliens. There’s only one ninja who has a remote chance of even coming close to defeating this alien. It’s not Jinnae because Jinnae wears a diamond studded earring. In feudal Japan. Go figure. It’s not Rin because she’s entirely too hot to be in a final battle with an alien and it can’t be Neuzumi the coward because… well... it’s not him. It’s Yamata silly! And as far as Alien vs. Ninja final battles go, you will be hard pressed to find a better one than this one.
Wow. I mean… wow. I really don’t have much to add here. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie of single minded of purpose as ‘Alien vs. Ninja’. A guy at worked asked me if I’ve seen the movie ‘Alien vs. Ninja’, I of course said yes, he followed that up with ‘what is it about’. I told him that it’s about aliens fighting ninja and then turned my back on him. That’s it.
I guess if this cat wanted to talk to the back of my head he could’ve asked me ‘Is it a good movie?’ I would’ve had to tell him ‘yeah, sure it is. I mean it’s about aliens fighting ninja. How bad could it be when one is as focused on that simple premise as director Seiji Chiba was focused on in this movie’. That’s what I would’ve told that guy.
Now there is comedy in this movie. But the comedy sucked. But then again maybe not because it could be a cultural thing. It could be that my Japanese brothers and sisters might actually find a cowardly ninja running through the woods falling down over and over again to be very funny. Conceivably my brothers and sisters in the pacific might find gay ninja housekeepers sporting eye patches to be in possession of a gaggle of laughs. Personally I didn’t find none of that to be funny. What I did find amusing was actress Mika Hijii’s amazing flexibility. Amazing. Miss Hijii was in the American based movie ‘Ninja’ but oddly enough I didn’t recognize her right away. I think it’s because in ‘Ninja’ she was smaller than everybody, considerably so. But in this movie she was the same size as everybody. Hmmm….
But what makes this movie entertaining, a low budget, shot in the woods, shot on digital alien versus ninja movie is that the alien and ninja battles are great. They are fast, choreographed to the tee, violent, bloody, over the top, and stupidly ridiculous just like an alien / ninja fight should be. Character development is almost zero, the humor as already noted is suspect and scenes not involving ass kicking were a bit painful to sit through at times but we would’ve been watching ‘Kramer vs. Kramer’ if we were in the mood for some character development.
That’s it. If the thought of Aliens and Ninja doing battle doesn’t appeal to you then by all means watch something else because that’s all that this movie is about. That and bad humor and Mika Hijii doing the splits. A lot.