Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

The Kulkus are dying. Sucks to be them, right? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this would be our attitude, but unfortunately this dying alien race has completely inconvenienced us, the good citizens of the Planet Earth, with their illness. Turns out our blood contains antigens to save their planet, and while I do think if they would’ve asked real nice like, proposed that every single one of the six or so billion of us pony up pint or two, but no… they decide to just level a few of our major metropolitan areas and then force each nation to offer up their citizenry, totaling eight million, so that these folks can be liquefied and the distillate from this liquefication can be sent back to their planet. We are under siege. By Aliens. Who don’t have eyebrows. The name of the movie is ‘Alien Siege’, and it started out life as a Sci-Fi original back in ’05 before making its way to my DVD player six years later, which means it should be terrible… but not so fast my friends.

The Action Film Name Generator has spit out Stephen Chase (Brad Johnson), a scientist of some kind who has just gotten the word that his daughter Heather (Erin Cross) has just hit the Lotto! Woohoo! Oh wait, this is the lotto that gives you the privilege of being liquefied by the Kulku. Not so good. Now Stephen is doing everything in his power to rescue his baby girl, despite her obstinance against being rescued, but it’s to no avail since our soldiers have captured her and carted her off to that long line of liquefication. I gotta admit, these people standing in this line, knowing full well what was going to happen, were damned peaceful about this whole thing.

A lot stuff is going on after Heather gets snatched up. For starters, apparently the U.S. is too slow in offers to the Kulku which has their brow beaten ground commander Kor (Nathan Anderson) working overtime to get more humans to liquefy, which means he has to brow beat beleaguered General Skyler (Apollo Creed) to get on his job and get him some humans. Then there’s Helen who happens to have a special anomaly in her blood that all by itself might save the Kulku’s, but to make this happen they would have to send her back to the Kulku Homeworld, but that can only happen with some

SEVERE consequences since the wormhole that got the Kulku here in the first place is one-way only. And let’s not forget the resistance led by Alex (Michael Cory Davis) and Blair (Lilas Lane) who are doing their part to make life on Earth miserable for Kulkus, and even more miserable for us humans in the long run with their shenanigans.

Eventually the Kulkus have had enough of this nonsense and just start taking humans by force, with an even more nefarious endgame in mind. Bad move alien scum. Five words… Roswell, shiny rock, big gun. It’s complicated, but we’re about to mess some stuff up because if nothing else, we humans can create a WMD baby. TO THE RESISTANCE! Of course the French didn’t do any of that. Delivered their quota on silver platters with a pate garnish and then hid. They didn’t say that in the movie, but I’m pretty sure that’s how that went down.

Directed by John Stadd, ‘Alien Siege’ is a little alien invasion movie that had some potential. Sure, alien invasion movies aren’t all that original, but this one offered up some political and philosophical fodder into the standard run and gun and hideout mix. Should the world sacrifice millions so that billions can live? Probably not. Should a benevolent race, such as the Kulkus were presented here, murder millions or even billions to save themselves? That water is a little more murky, but as we can see the Kulkus made their decision, helped along by the simple fact that the humans aren’t respected as equals. Plus for a seven year old Sci-Fi Channel original production, the special effects were better than what we are used to seeing, if still not something we would call good special effects, and Apollo Creed was in this movie.

That’s all good stuff but it was just a matter of time before ‘Alien Siege’ went all ‘Sci-Fi Original’ on us and devolved into total predictable lunacy. The Kulkus are pretty awesome. I mean they can travel through worm holes, make space ships, have fancy laser weapons and all kinds of awesomeness, but they might want to put some auto targeting on those fancy weapons of theirs since they couldn’t hit jack. They probably should’ve opted for some bullet proof vests as well, not that it would matter because apparently every single resistance fighter is a sharpshooter and hit them in the eye socket almost all of the time. Also there was this romance between our scientist and the hot resistance co-leader which was completely laughable. It went like ‘Sorry your leader is dead… he was a good guy. Hey, let’s make out’. It went just like that. We are also told there was a traitor in our midst… wonder who that could be? I know it’s not the skittish dude who discourages every single resistance action, then disappears for no reason for long stretches of time to make secret phone calls. Can’t be him. The best part is probably Doc Chase’s laser gun. Or laser canon. This thing must weigh close to 150 pounds and he’s dragging it around shooting mindless Kulku soldiers with it like it’s a Glock. I know it was quick notice, but the doc might’ve wanted to make some portable laser guns out of that laser canon of his. A canon that can put a small black hole in Kulku in one use, but then turn into a lethal a cosmic Planet Buster in another use. That’s awesome. And Doc Chase was born with Alien Spaceship Navigation Gene.

Nonetheless, we were entertained by ‘Alien Siege’, just like we are entertained to some degree by most of the Sci-Fi Channel’s nonsense. Will you be entertained? I make no promises.

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