Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Okay… so… apparently some aliens have a massive fleet of ships floating just above our beloved Earth and they are poised to attack.  If I heard the Female Voice (Patty Lema) correctly, this invasion is coming because we invaded them first.  Even though we don’t have spaceships and stuff.  Whatever.  But before these aliens attack, aliens who are all female and whose planet doesn’t believe in clothes, they need energy.  How they are powering a fleet this large, and how they made the trip from Planet Wherever without this energy is beyond me, but they need energy.  Sexual Energy.  Because it powers their ships or something.  Thus the plot is laid for ‘Alien Sex Files 3’, Aliens Gone Wild’.  Don’t ask me what happened to Alien Sex Files I & II since I believe this is the first one.

Our Alien has landed on earth, after being shot down by a pair F-15’s in a pretty decent dog fighting sequence, at least for a Cinemax styled softcore hump fest.  She survives this crash with only her boots and happens upon some campers who are having some sexual issues.  The alien fixes all of that.  Apparently, among her vast array of powers, one of them can… sigh… make a man’s member grow.  You would think the average wife would be slightly concerned about her husband increasing that way, in such a dramatic fashion, but I guess one shouldn’t look gift horses in the mouth.  I guess.  And the next time your woman tells you size doesn’t matter, based on what I’ve seen here, she’s lying.  While this momentous occasion seems great for this couple, but now they are under her spell and they’ve transferred their sexual energy to her which she then downloads back to the mother ship by… sigh… masturbating while wearing DEVO glasses. 

Well we CANNOT have aliens going around seducing people and downloading energy, so General Sounders (Robert Donovan) is on the case.  He has assembled a crack team of experts who are monitoring the situation.  And that’s all they are doing, quite honestly.  You see we need to gather information about this alien before we can form an attack strategy.  You feel me?  Fortunately this crack team has invented invisible cameras and placed them all over the earth so we can see what this alien is doing and

how she’s doing it.  In addition to making the occasional member grow, she can also shape shift into any female form she wants and she can psychically teleport to anywhere.  So when the blonde alien seduces the dude in Prague, our invisible cameras are collecting intel, or when the brunette alien, who is the same alien, was extracting energy from the chick in Venice, our invisible cameras are collecting intel.  You will not BELIEVE the amount of intel these guys have amassed. 

General Sounders, while managing his team of observers, is also dealing with a personal tragedy as his daughter was stolen from him by these aliens some fifteen years ago.  The ‘Chosen One’ they kept calling her, and she will lead them.  Oh wait… it’s time to collect some more intel.  By now these professionals should’ve figured out the routine, but no, more intel needs to be gathered.  I would like to tell you that they stopped the invasion, but that conclusion is another five movies down the line.  That’s right…  I said five. 

What can we honestly tell you about ‘Aliens Gone Wild’?  We can tell you that there is probably a good twenty five minutes worth of movie in this film with the other sixty five or so minutes consisting of people having fake sex with each other or having fake sex all by themselves and as such to attempt to ‘review’ a movie such as ‘Alien Sex Files 3’ is kind of pointless and maybe even a little silly, but we’re going to do it anyway. 

The story, as it were, was perfunctory in setting up the reasons that we had to watch all these people engage in fake sex though the acting, aside from Robert Donovan who was hamming it up as only Robert Donovan can, was a little on the putrid side.  To be kind.  The special effects on the other hand, though obviously not of Industrial Light and Magic quality, were about as good as can be expected from a movie such as this.  I mean I’ve seen my fair share of low budget alien space attack movies, and the effects in this one were almost uniformly better than the effects in those movies. 

But it is the fake sex that I imagine is this films selling point and as far as I can tell I guess it was pretty good.  As far as fake sex goes.  Since fake sex movies aren’t really my thing, I probably fast forwarded through most of those scenes, especially since they went on forever, but I can tell you that even at 200 frames per second that most of the women in the movie were very beautiful, and I think they captured the true essence of downloading data to the mother ship.  But then what do I know since I don’t watch a lot of fake sex Cinemax movies.

Of course this begs the question as to why I was watching this one.  Well, we had an Alien motif going on, spending the last couple of weeks watching any movie with the word ‘Alien’ in the title and we needed some kind exploitation film and this one drew the short straw.  Most exploitation films, however, integrate the exploitation in the middle of some crazy story where this was just the opposite, sex primary… story stuff on occasion.  That being said, chances are we are not going to hunt down the rest of the series, since I have a pretty solid idea what we are going to get, but nonetheless my hat goes off to director Milos Twilight, who also created this series, writes this series, does the visual effects for this series and more than likely signs off on the naked women who will be in this series.  A man who is now my new personal hero.

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